Intro: I think its time I share my story (TTC for 4+ years) ( loss mentioned)

tripplek1988

Hi everyone, I'm 27 years old and was lucky enough to marry my high school sweetheart, we have been together for 10 years and TTC for 4+, and I have never been pregnant.

Here's my story, about a year ago I was diagnosis with PCOS and about  2 weeks ago I did a Hsg and found out that I have one tube that's partially blocked. My RE gave me a 5% chance of conceiving naturally and a 40% chance with medication such has clomid, In vitro etc. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life the thought of me not being able to conceive on my own was overwhelming, It felt like someone took a knife and stabbed me in my chest. After 4yrs you would think that I should have considered the thought that there was something obviously wrong, but i was always optimistic and kept telling my self it will happen don't worry, its just not your time yet. I think reality finally hit when my RE confirmed everything I didn't want to accept and the thought of never being a mother turned my world upside down.

To make matters even worst my sister miscarriage her first child at 26 weeks a year ago and today we found out that she miscarried again at 13 weeks due to possible chromosomal abnormality. both times I was by her side since her husband was away in a different country.This experience was very heart wrenching for me but I had to be strong for her even when I could hardly be strong for my self. Over the last year I have been trying to justify an understand why these things happen to good people that want to have a family that have a stable life, but yet still cant have a child of there own. Its especially hard to see all these children out here in the world being mistreated when people like me will give anything to get pregnant. I'm sorry if I sound bitter but this is the first time I've actually express my feelings out loud and it hurts to even write this. my only hope is that one day I will soon find happiness and peace and in the mean time I anxiously wait to start my first cycle of clomid this month.

However now I'm feeling awful  that I am still thinking about trying to have a baby when my sister just lost hers;( so im thinking maybe i should just wait until she is pregnant again.Anyways Thanks for listening and I hope  to  become a active member and help others in anyway i can:)

KidShrink

Sorry to hear it's been so rough for you lately. I've had absolutely the same thoughts as you do...they do sound awful at times, but it's hard to shake off how unfair life is sometimes. Don't feel bad for feeling this way.

I say do whatever you have to do to be happy. People won't wait for you to get pregnant to start trying. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey (and FX it's as short as possible...I know how painful the wait is).

GoldenKeys

I'm going to welcome you with a huge hug... you definitely have been put through the ringer.  Your feelings are a completely normal and common reaction to the 'walking grieving' that a lot of us who have long term infertility experience.   I am so sorry for your sisters' losses and I'm glad that she has a sister like you who can be there for her!

I belong to a support group for infertility called RESOLVE that you might want to check out.   It's not good to be in this kind of emotional pain without some kind of support to help you work through your feelings.   The most important part of the long term IF journey is to learn to stop judging yourself so harshly and blaming yourself for your feelings.

A 40% chance of success with treatment are excellent odds! This would be a great time to take as good care of yourself as you are obviously taking of other people.   There is a book called "what to expect when she's not expecting" that will show you and your DH that many thousands of women have experience the same feelings that you are.  It s a part of the process...   please stay and join our 3T board.

tripplek1988

Awe @GoldenKeys thank you very much it's good to know I'm not alone I will definately check out that group and look into buying that book as well.

tripplek1988

@KidShrink I really appreciate the encouraging words your definately right about not delaying my happiness to please others. Its especially hard when people I love is going through it has well. Tomorrow I have to prepare my self to go with my sister for a D&C and quite honestly I'm still emotionally scar from the first one she had a yr ago but I putting my big girl panties on and try my best to hide the tears