I need some advice...

mdilemme

I'm 38 weeks today. This might be a little tmi, but my hubby and I have always bad a very active and healthy sex life. Even during this pregnancy. I know he is kind of getting bored since we can't do certain things, but it's almost over. Porn has never been an issue for me. I just hate when he watches it while I'm home because I feel like im missing out for one, and two im perfectly capable of satisfying him. I went to bed around 11, only to wake up at 1230 to look out our bedroom door to see him masturbating to porn. I tried several times today to spark a "moment" but he didn't go for it. Then he goes and watches porn, with me in the other room. It has just pushed me over the edge and now I'm really pissed. How can I handle this, so he won't do it again?

mollymargaret1

Tell him it's inappropriate to do while you're home. Or if it's not really the porn that bothers you - have you suggested watching it together? At least then you're involved.

kbbtah

Flame me for this if you will, but it's my opinion that porn is not healthy and certainly doesn't belong in a marriage. I'd encourage you to talk with him and remove it. Think you'll be happier overall. Good luck!

dmh1687

I think it's really thoughtless of him to do this, period. 

Frogger5

kbbtah said:

Flame me for this if you will, but it's my opinion that porn is not healthy and certainly doesn't belong in a marriage. I'd encourage you to talk with him and remove it. Think you'll be happier overall. Good luck!

FLAME. I don't have energy to explain more, but I don't agree. It's probably in your marriage whether you like it or not, but good on your H for pretending.

Frogger5

mdilemme said:

I'm 38 weeks today. This might be a little tmi, but my hubby and I have always bad a very active and healthy sex life. Even during this pregnancy. I know he is kind of getting bored since we can't do certain things, but it's almost over. Porn has never been an issue for me. I just hate when he watches it while I'm home because I feel like im missing out for one, and two im perfectly capable of satisfying him. I went to bed around 11, only to wake up at 1230 to look out our bedroom door to see him masturbating to porn. I tried several times today to spark a "moment" but he didn't go for it. Then he goes and watches porn, with me in the other room. It has just pushed me over the edge and now I'm really pissed. How can I handle this, so he won't do it again?

Just remember that sex with a partner and porn are not the same thing. Maybe he's creeped out by how big you are, or is freaking out about being a dad, or just didn't feel like it with you. Don't even think of it like he's bored, it's just not in the cards right now. I totally agree it's not cool for him to be masturbating where you can see if you'd tried to get it on earlier in the day, but it was after you'd gone to bed. Just open your mouth and TALK TO HIM. Tell him how you were hurt, and maybe lay down some rules/guidelines for the post partum period. None of us are meant to be having penetrative sex for 6 weeks or so after the baby's born, so it would be realistic to make sure you are both happy during that time, with clear expectations and the knowledge that it won't be like this forever.

kaila8

^^ this exactly.

rsalata2015

Punch him in the face. That's probably what I would do at this point. But I also am sex deprived so that's why I'd be so angry.

enigmaticjj

I'd be upset too.  I think upset/rejected/hurt that he was doing that after you made it clear at different points you were offering it up for him.  Also upset that he didn't take proper measures to ensure I wouldn't find out (I mean, the least he could do is make sure you wouldn't have been able to find out).

I'm sure because this happened while pregnant I'd be even more upset (I think hurt would be more appropriate) as it would probably make me feel un-sexy (if that's a word) even if I didn't before and big/awkward (with the pregnant belly) than I already feel.  Even if that had nothing to do with what he did, it would still claw its way in my mind and get stuck there.

But really, you know you'll have to talk to him about it to understand.  Try your best to stay calm and non-judgy to hopefully help him open up about it.  Maybe it really meant nothing.  Maybe he just wanted a quickie on his own.  Maybe it is related to pregnancy (either being un-sexy or even worried about you physically).  Maybe this is something he's done sometimes even before pregnancy.  And regardless of the "why," if you were trying to initiate earlier because you wanted some for yourself (not just an effort to keep him satisfied), definitely make sure he understands that because you have needs too.

About the porn part...if the porn ends up being part of the reason he did this (maybe he felt he needed it or whatever), I agree about suggesting you be involved too (since you mentioned you don't have an issue with it).  

About what @kbbta and @Frogger5 said about porn, let's just say you weren't fine with porn (which many people aren't), then that's fine too, I'd then just make sure he knows how you feel about it...and like any good partner, he would then say he'd stop using it and you would continue on thinking he stopped and he'd continue on making sure you wouldn't find out he used it.  Porn isn't my thing, but I wouldn't go as far as saying no one should use it (assuming they don't end up neglecting their partner because of it).

Both the masturbating alone after the other partner has tried initiating and the porn thing has been brought up a few times in the Savage Love advice column.  I think Dan Savage had some good tips/advice.  Not sure how easy it would be to try to search for those topics in his column.

rrcameron21

Sometimes my fiancé will do that when he can't sleep. Not because he doesn't want me or anything. I don't think you should take it personally...

Just as long as you guys are open and honest about it, you shouldn't worry or be upset (in my opinion).

Your husband is super lucky that you have such an amazing sex drive at this point in pregnancy though! I have like zero and I am actually relieved when my fiancé takes care of himself. I'm the worst

OnWayto3

Something about this caught my attention in a different way. That is, it seems all you had to do is look up and see him masturbating; in other words, he wasn't trying to hide it. In fact, I'm wondering if he WANTED you to 'catch him.' Might that be part of the thrill? Perhaps there's an exhibitionist aspect to this whole thing. 

If not, like others have said, I think it's important for you to just lay it out there. Props to you for not shaming yourself in this process (it seems), nor shaming him. Although I would be hurt by the same thing, in particular after you spent time trying to get things going earlier in the day without a positive response, try not to take it personally. Easier said than done. If we're honest, I think all soon-to-be-parents/new parents go through a bit of a freak out. Moms, too. Using porn is an un-emotional way to get release; even if us moms don't act on it, I'm going to go out on a limb and say we fantasize about such things, too (ex-boyfriends, strangers who find us desirable, and so on). Becoming a parent is so overwhelming and daunting and feels like a restriction on our freedom that I think it's natural to want to rebel a little against those restraints. 

Just my two cents. 

Know that you're beautiful, sexy, and a pretty damn awesome wife imho. After all, you're seemingly keeping up with a sex drive that many others struggle to maintain this late in pregnancy. 

klkonwi

I have to say that porn is NOT in my marriage and I don't think it's cool that you have to wake up to that beside you. My two cents.
This post weirds me out. I'm even more weirded out that it may be mud and the OP has not come back to take her advice.
Now were all just giving porn advice to something that is possibly fake lol

OnWayto3

klkonwi said:

I have to say that porn is NOT in my marriage and I don't think it's cool that you have to wake up to that beside you. My two cents. This post weirds me out. I'm even more weirded out that it may be mud and the OP has not come back to take her advice. Now were all just giving porn advice to something that is possibly fake lol

@klkonwi Wow, you're probably spot on with thinking this is mud; hadn't even crossed my mind till I looked at her (non-existent) background. *sigh* I was duped.

NotISaidtheCat

You know how sometimes you just need to take care of things yourself, and If hubby tried to get in on the action it would just be awkward/unsatisfying for him or both of you? He has those moments, too. Sometimes it's just a mechanical thing. If you don't want porn in your marriage, tell him. Just realize he will never not masturbate.

mvargas12

klkonwi said:

I have to say that porn is NOT in my marriage and I don't think it's cool that you have to wake up to that beside you. My two cents

Agree and agree.

btm013

klkonwi said:

This post weirds me out.

THIS. I really don't know what I would do if I caught my husband "taking care of business" let alone to a porn. That would really bother me. I would understand the masturbation part given I hadn't been in the mood much towards the end of the pregnancy. but porn takes it to a different - more dirty level.

Ya know...I think I'm more of a prude than I originally thought. I've never even watched a porn! haha. BUCKET LIST!

devyns2nd

It would hurt my feelings if my husband watched porn without me. It would hurt me even more if he was doing his own thing. Then again we have had a great sex life and he knows I'm here if he needs me. Even though vaginal sex isn't always an option. I try to encourage...me helping even if he doesn't mention it just because I know it keeps things exciting for him. Maybe try being more forward with you just helping and letting him know it's just for him? Pregnant sex makes DH nervous. Maybe he is afraid of hurting you?? Let him know your happy to help.

Just a thought. My ex was a porn addict and had some sex issues so I know every man is different. Sometimes there's no stopping it. I hope it works out for you guys.