Struggling. What is "normal" or "okay" to do

jesssaying

I have been a step parent for a year now and does it ever get easier? Is it normal to just get so annoyed with these children that I sometimes don't want them around? Is it normal that BM and my fiancé send pictures of the kids back and forth to each other talking about how cute they are and how much they both love them (in my opinion it's not okay, and I've asked fiancé to stop and to tell BM to stop and I caught them doing it again), is it normal for BM and my fiancé to talk EVERY SINGLE day? Morning, day, and night? How much resentment towards these kids is normal? I honestly just wish that my fiancé had no contact with BM whatsoever but I will never get my wish.

cole2144

Their relationship sounds inappropriate for two people who are not together, especially when you and BD are engaged. I would not put up with that.

NEENT10

It is normal to get super annoyed. It is normal to dread them coming. Kids are annoying sometimes and the fact that they arent our Bio kids makes it easier to fet annoyed. I get those feelings too. As far as communication with BM, the only chatter between the two of them should be limited to issues or plans about the kids and making arrangements between them. The small talk really isn't necessary.
I can understand pictures back and forth and I think it's a good thing. My husband enjoys getting pics. The 1 BM in my situation does send pics and the other BM does not and will not. We sometimes wish that she would because we miss things. It's nice to get along with BM but your situation sounds like he's a little too comfy with her. There have to be boundaries. We had to work on boundaries in our relationship with BM. Things are much better now.

kmcc14

No, your fiance talking to BM multiple times a day is not normal.  MH only talks to BM to discuss pick up times/locations or issues with the kids.  The situation you've described throws up a ton of red flags.  The fact that you have told your fiance that you are not comfortable with him texting pics to BM and he has continued to do so is not ok.  Blended families are not easy even when BD has very good boundaries with BM.  I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your fiance.  If he is not willing to set up some boundaries with BM and be respectful of his relationship with you, then you really need to consider calling things off.  Marriage will not fix anything.

cerafina205

It's normal to get annoyed with the kids. All kids are annoying. The fact that you are going through this makes it even worse. I agree that communicating with BM multiple times a day about "non essential" topics is inaapropiate. I have a feeling if/when you get this small talk issue solved you'll have a lot less resentful feelings towards the kids.

I would get to the bottom of this asap. Find out why your fiance feels it necessary to have this small talk with his ex. Have you actually explained your feelings to your fiance and how it hurts you. Maybe give him a scenario where the situation is reversed...what if you were constantly chatting with your ex, how would be feel? I get that he loves his children and his ex is probably the only other person that has the mutual adoration towards the kids which is probably why he does this with her.

SimpleJane

I don't see a problem at all with sending pictures back and forth of the kids. If they are chatting like "how is you day", or some kind of small talk not related to the kids then that would be something i would consider bothersome.

momof2buggs

The answer is yes. It does get easier, but only when you make the choice to love them like they're you're own. I honestly don't see that happening, based on the feel I get from you, after reading through the majority of your posts on this site. As far as your man communicating with his ex? They have children together, so it's sort of a requirement. She was in his life long before you, so I suggest making peace with it, because it isn't going to end, no matter how much you want her to go away. I think you're really bitter and controlling, and I genuinely feel bad for your step kids and your fiance. You seem to think it's ok to blame your bitchiness on your pregnancy, and hormones, and whatever else sounds good at the time, but that shit won't cut it in the long run. I'd suggest you put your big girl pants on and deal with it,or you won't make it down the aisle, and you'll be a single mom.

fletcherj1

Yes children can get under your skin. Them talking several times a day is a but much the pictures well if you choose that can be let go. How about you send her pics of the kids. But i agree with @momof2buggs you have to love them and accept them as your own. You don't seem to have a good nor healthy relationship with the kids and if I was the father that would be concerning to me. Maybe counseling might help.

lpstl

Holy sht dude... do you want to be the evil stepmother? 

Because this is how you become the evil stepmother.

WildMagelet

jesssaying said:

I have been a step parent for a year now and does it ever get easier? Is it normal to just get so annoyed with these children that I sometimes don't want them around? Is it normal that BM and my fiancé send pictures of the kids back and forth to each other talking about how cute they are and how much they both love them (in my opinion it's not okay, and I've asked fiancé to stop and to tell BM to stop and I caught them doing it again), is it normal for BM and my fiancé to talk EVERY SINGLE day? Morning, day, and night? How much resentment towards these kids is normal? I honestly just wish that my fiancé had no contact with BM whatsoever but I will never get my wish.

@jesssaying- Yes, it gets easier. 

Your FI has children with someone else.  BM will always be a part of their lives.  He will have regular communication with her at LEAST until the kids are out of high school and even they grow into adults its likely that they'll see each other at large family functions.  If you can't handle that, I suggest you get out now.  It's only going to continue.  What did your FI say when you asked him to stop?  My first reaction would be - he is not a child and you do not get to dictate who he talks to, how, and when - ESPECIALLY when its involving his children.  If he told you that he'd stop and wouldn't, though, that's a you + FI issue, not a FI + BM issue.  You guys need to sit down and talk about it like adults.  Tell him what behavior he is engaging in and how it makes you feel.  You're going to need to pinpoint what you're feeling and why it makes you feel that way and then the two of you can work out some sort of compromise.  

All kids can be annoying *sometimes*.  They're kids.  The "I don't want them around" and "resentment" part concerns me though.  These are your FI's kids.  If you get so annoyed you don't want them around - leave.  Find a sanctuary in your house where you can go and relax, take a nap, do a puzzle, read a book, etc. on your own.  Plan a girls night or a shopping trip where you can get out of the house for a few hours while they're there.  Just because your FI is spending time with his kids doesn't mean that you have to if you don't want to.  Personally, I like giving H alone time with his kids sometimes because I remember how much I used to adore those moments when I could steal them away with my dad.  If your FI is like my H, he went from seeing them every day all day to a night or two a week and EOW.  He misses them.  Spending time with them, talking to them, seeing pictures of them and talking about them makes him happy.  It's not a void you can fill, so don't try to.

DCandy1128

I have the same issue. I've been with my Df for 3 years and SD is 5 years old. He and BM would actually have "family" time where just the 3 of them would go out. This was right after I lost our first son. It has since stopped. It doesn't get easier. DF and BM text and talk more than he talks and texts me... that's even with a newborn at home. We actually got into a fight and he screenshot my texts and sent them to BM... it had nothing to do with her or SD. I AM SO HURT AND PISSED! All I can say is good luck and if you figure out a way to nip this in the butt please let me know.

benicode

I read your post with my jaw on the floor.  Your resentment towards these children is UNFAIR and NOT THEIR FAULT.  You should leave this relationship, but not for your benefit, for theirs.  They don't deserve a stepmother that gets so annoyed you don't want them around.  And it's clear that comes from your dislike of the relationship he has with the mother of his children.  Why does it bother you?  Do you not trust him? Do you wish he didn't have the kids period? 

I am a stepparent.  My SD lives with me and MH full time, spends summers and breaks with her mother across the country.  I love my child to death. I don't have a great relationship with her mother, but we make it work. It's not easy to co-parent but it's not about me, MH, his ex or her husband.  It's about THE CHILD.  Which is what you seem to be acting like.

 " I honestly just wish that my fiancé had no contact with BM whatsoever but I will never get my wish." 

You clearly don't love these children, because if you did, that thought would never even cross your mind.  

 Thank God you will never get your wish.  Thank God you aren't these kids' stepparent YET.  And hopefully your fiance wises up and realizes what a selfish person you are and leaves you before you emotionally damage his kids.

cmcweeney

Well I think the two of them speaking and sending pictures is a good sign. He is involved with his children and he will have communication with the mother of his children. That sounds normal to me. I guess when you say they talk all day and night, that might be concerning depending on what they talk about. Remember, even though they are not together, they're raising children together, which requires communication and a lot of it. So the question to ask yourself is do you trust him? If not, maybe that is something you will want to sit down and talk with him about. Telling him to not talk to his kids mother seems unreasonable in my opinion. As far as the kids issue, yes kids get annoying! Even my own. Sometimes you need to get away from them. But is the resentment constant? If you are constantly feeling resentment and like you don't want them around then that isn't normal and you should probably consider what you want long term. The kids and their mother will always be around. Good luck!

eam125

I have a 4 yr old ss of my own. There's been times that I have so many negative feelings about him that it gets kind of scary. It is normal though and as long as you keep working toward a better relationship with your ss, it's going to be ok. You can't stop working at the relationship though. It's not normal for your fiancé to talk to his ex all day and night. Yes, you'll have to deal with her being in the picture for forever, but your fiance needs to realize how uncomfortable he's making you and he needs to figure out how to fix it. A relationship takes two people who communicate well and then compromise.. it takes even more communication and compromise to make a relationship work where an ex is still in the picture. Believe me, I know. My ss's bm is extremely difficult to deal with. Shes made it clear that she's still in love with my fiance even 3 years after they split. Because of that, she can't talk to my fiance without jumping straight to anger. She respects me normally though, so I'm the one who always ends up talking to her about issues that need dealt with. It's stressful and the situation is forever changing. If you love your man, it's worth all the work.. never forget though, always put those babies first.

mhwood

To be honest, I would much rather have open and easy communication with my ex instead of ignoring each other for 361 days a year.

Bigboobsmcgee

This post is sad. A lot of these from stepmom's about their step kids are incredibly sad.

dmndsr4eva

I have been in your situation and I can tell you that getting upset about it is only going to push him and the kids away.  You need to focus on the positive and on being positive.  BM is in your life to stay so the best thing you can do is try to get on board with helping the coparenting.  It is normal for them to discuss issues with the kids that will arise on a weekly or so basis.  Grades, sleepovers, health issues, sports.  I think that anything regarding the kids is fine.  To say how frequently they should talk?  I think it depends on what is going on.  Probably not more than a couple times a week?  If you are having a kid with him and getting married you need to get on board with his kids and try to create a good relationship with them.  Kids are annoying sometimes even when they are you bio kids.