Intro and feeling disconnected

heddy79

Hi! I recently had my 2nd child and he's 5 weeks old today and in the NICU. He's not a preemie, but I didn't know where else to post. He was born at 37w4d and is struggling to breathe. We've had tons of testing done and have no answers. I'm feeling so disconnected from him and I hate how I'm feeling. Any advice on how to bond with him? I think I'm also afraid of getting too attached because of the unknown. Sigh. This feels like it will never end.

blairdavis99

I am so, so sorry to hear that your little guy is not doing well. Definite thoughts and prayers headed your way! I don't think it is unusual to feel a bit disconnected while they are in the NICU. Your time and access to him is limited and his primary caregivers are nurses, not you. My nurses really encouraged me to do as many feedings, baths, diaper changes, etc so I could bond more. It helped, but to be honest, I think we took a huge step in bonding when my twins came home. I really hope that happens to you soon. And know that you aren't alone in the feeling of disconnect. Keep pushing through and do what you can when you can for your LO. I hope you are able to get some good ideas for bonding in the meantime on here. Hang in there!

emaddock

I am in your boat. DS born at 37 weeks but in nicu for TTN. I don't feel very connected because of the NIcU and csection so I totally relate. Since I am starting to feel better we are able to spend greater amounts of time together and doing skin to skin. But right now not a lot of advice but I can relate and empathize.

KutiePebbles

I am a mom of an ex-29 wker who spent 10 wks and 5 days in the nicu. The disconnected feeling, although sad to say, is completely normal. I started to feel more connected as time went on and I kangarooed more. Also the more I cared for him (diapers, temperature, feedings), the more like a mom I felt. Just keep spending time with him and ask a lot of questions. Decorate his crib, bring in pictures for him, dress him in regular clothes if you can. Also take photos of him. You might not want to recall his nicu time because it is not ideal but it will be helpful as a healing process for you and him to have pictures. Trust me you will appreciate them feel free to ask questions if you need to talk.

Hanniez89

Hi! I haven't really posted on this board before, but I had 34 week twin girls and while we were in the NICU I had those same feelings... I felt like I needed permission to be with my own babies and that made me feel very disconnected! I totally understand! I will say, the longer we were there the more settled and connected I felt, and then taking them home bonding felt so much more natural. I agree with the other suggestions, participating at as many feeds, diaper changes, baths, etc. and skin to skin if possible all helped me!

mhulsey002

My son was born at 30 weeks and has been in the NICU for 15 weeks (and counting...) so I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Like everyone is saying, I felt a lot better once I could start doing his daily care (temp, diaper, clothing change, medicines, holding, etc). My husband and I make sure we are there for every bath night so that we can give it and then we read him his books after until he falls asleep (his favorite is "The Bear Snores On" - it has a great rhythm to it and always puts my son in a very relaxed state). That ritual really helped us to increase our bond and feel involved. It's so easy to feel powerless in the NICU, especially when they don't have any answers to help your baby (we are experiencing the same frustration with our son on that front). Hug your little boy tight and we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers!

sailorgal

Aw I'm so sorry he's struggling. I hope you get answers soon.

My little guy was born one week ago at 31 weeks. I have felt disconnected too. I said to DH a couple days ago I had a fear that if he was in a group of babies, I wouldn't even recognize which was mine. I'm starting to move past that part a little but still feeling distant.

So basically I have no advice but just letting you know that you are not alone.

TrishRingley

Oh, Heddy79... I'm so sorry. This is a really hard ordeal you're going through. Since you specifically mention bonding, can I suggest this book I put together for bonding in the NICU? It's called Connected, and it has loads of ideas you might try. It's free, nothing spam or anything when you sign up, just a download you can start reading right away.  Hope it helps...

In truth, time and only time will bring you the answers you're looking for. But I will say you will never go wrong for bonding with your little one. No matter the outcome, this time you have - right now - is what you've got, so embrace it. I recommend giving your whole heart over to your little one. Be there, do kangaroo care, take pictures, sing and talk and share your love with your little one. Ask questions, never be shy about asking questions.

Hang in there.