Community› The Bump Message Boards› Stay at Home Moms
Stay at Home Moms
New Discussion

Separated and need biblical advice (long)

txbutterflytxbutterfly member
in Stay at Home Moms
My DH have been separated for over 6 months. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years. Called me a stupid idiot if I did something wrong, if he came home and there was a mess he would call me a slob and say 'what do you do all day?' I'm a stay at home mom of 2 young kids but I also have a home based business and he doesn't help around the house at all. He also doesn't help with the kids at all, even when he was with us he wouldn't help with the kids except maybe reading them a book at bedtime a couple times a week. My daughter would even say 'I miss Daddy' when he was here because he would work late then just go back to the bedroom and ignore us for days sometimes. Then he would be nice and act like a happy family sometimes and show up to soccer games to save face. We had no relationship for years and he didn't act attracted to me. He got addicted to day trading which is like gambling and lost several thousand dollars and hid the debt then he agreed to stop doing it but he never stopped and even lied several times to my face saying that he wasn't trading anymore. I feel like after all the years of abuse and neglect I now also feel like I can't trust him much. On the other hand he says he loves me, wants to come home, says he will change and stop calling me names. The first 4 months of the separation he actually got more abusive verbally and called me every name in the book because he was mad that I asked him to leave on day when I was literally fearing for my safety because his anger was so out of control. He left without even asking to try to stay and work it out, almost like he was relieved that he could go, yet he's mad and wants to come back?! He didn't do anything for my birthday or Valentines Day which are within a couple weeks of each other and I didn't even see him for 3 weeks around that time. He started taking a new antidepressant a couple months ago because supposedly the anger and withdrawal and sleeping a lot is from depression. It seems to have helped him not be withdrawn and to see us once a week and call most days and it also  has helped him control his anger and name calling/cussing me out in front of the kids. However I still see the negative attitude which is the root of the abuse. Like last weekend he said the house was a pig sty. I am taking care of the kids and house by myself and working and he has the nerve to complain! My mom came over later that day and said my house looked beautiful and clean, I don't even know what he was talking about. Then he went with us to the store and I got this gourmet jelly which was only like $1 more than the regular stuff and he went off and said that I am insane and I spend too much money on crap! My daughter started crying because she loves that jelly. So even though he has improved he has not totally changed like he says he has. Also I told him even if he has changed we would have to rebuild our relationship and date because I feel like I don't even know him anymore. Well he asked me to lunch after I said that 6 weeks ago and he has not asked me to anything since then! He just comes over to see the kids and I once or twice a week for a few hours. I feel like he is not making any effort to reconnect, not that I think I want to, but it just goes to show he doesn't want to be with me really. He used to say he was done with me and basically turned his back on me emotionally but I think hes trying to make me the bad guy. When I asked him why it doesn't make sense that he says he loves me and wants to come home but doesn't ever act like he wants to see me much. I think its for selfish reasons like not being lonely, someone to cook and clean for him and so people don't judge him for being divorced or something. I don't know how long I should wait to see if he is going to change. There is always part of me that wants to keep my family together for the kids and because he can be nice some days and I made a vow before God. It seems like the bible only allows for divorce when there's adultery which who knows if there's been any of that if he lied about the finances. We are still going to counseling and I try to be amicable when he's here but I feel like we are just stuck in a stand still. I guess another reason that makes it hard is I don't make enough to support me and my kids even with child support and I would have to get a full time job instead of just my home based business. I just want to make sure I'm doing God's will too. Please let me know your thoughts, I'm so confused. Thank you.
Report Reply to Post

Re: Separated and need biblical advice (long)

  • NoSugarCoatingNoSugarCoating member
    Dude. Paragraphs. 
    DS1: BFP 04/03/11 | EDD 12/02/11 | born 11/21/11 
    DS2: BFP 02/09/13 | EDD 10/26/13 | said goodbye 06/02/13
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • gkrenzelgkrenzel member
    edited June 2015
    .
    Report Reply
  • NoSugarCoatingNoSugarCoating member
    txbutterfly said:
    Seriously? I'm going through hell and your concern is paragraphs.
    If you want people to read and respond to your post, make it easy to read. 
    DS1: BFP 04/03/11 | EDD 12/02/11 | born 11/21/11 
    DS2: BFP 02/09/13 | EDD 10/26/13 | said goodbye 06/02/13
    Report Reply
  • spekelspekel member
    I'm so sorry to hear the struggle and pain you are experiencing. We all do the best we can and I can tell you are a great mom and a hard worker. You are doing a great job.

    Are you involved in a church? I have found that a good healthy church can be life changing---women's study or small group brings women together to be able to share and encourage one another.

    It sounds like your husband needs to make some changes. Have you done Christian counseling? Is that something he would do? There are times when men need to hear hard truth from other men to humble them. I'll be praying for you and this journey you are on. Keep doing what you're doing - you're a great mom and your kids are blessed to have you!
    Report Reply
  • arwestover3arwestover3 member
    I am so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Prayers for you and your family. Definitely devote some prayer and thought to this. If you decide to take him back, there needs to be counseling involved, preferably of a religious nature, and you both need to stick with that counseling.

    That being said, it sounds like an extremely toxic environment for both you and your children, and the Bible definitely doesn't say that you need to stay with an abusive spouse. If you do decide to take the divorce route, I am a firm believer that a marriage based on God only works if both partners are fully committed to each other and to God. There would be people who judge you, but it's absolutely not their place. Make the decision with a lot of time and prayer.

    And if you don't belong to a church, I'm LDS (or Mormon), and when I was going through post-partum depression, my bishop (leader of our congregation), after counseling me himself, helped me get a counselor who was LDS, because I wanted a faith-based approach. There might not be a counselor like that in your area, but if you want to check it out, you can go to LDS.org and find the bishop that's over the congregation in your area.
    Report Reply
  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    Ahhhh Biblical grounds for divorce.  Please know that this is a complicated issue that theologians have argued about for centuries.  Some say " No, no divorce except for maybe adultery" while others say that goes against a loving and gracious God.  Now, I am not a theologian, but when my friend was going through something similar, I found some thought provoking articles.  What I have found that if you look at Exodus 21:10 alongside with 1 Corinthians 7, you will see that there is some grounds for divorce when if comes to abandonment / neglect and what is abuse if not an extreme form of neglect ?

    Pretty much he has broken his marriage vows to love and honor and you have just as much right to get out of a marriage contract when it is broken as anyone else that has entered into a contract that was broken.  

    That being said, I too am a Christian and if my husband treated me in the same manner that your husband has treated you, I would be gone.  
    Report Reply
  • cedixon2cedixon2 member
    Lakewood church based out of Houston Tx had a great marriage surmon about 2 weeks ago. Perhaps you could google it and and have a go at that?
    Personally, from what you told us, I think your DH is a twatwaffle and doesn't deserve you or any more chances unless he makes some major personality changes. Maybe give him a list of things you want him to do to gain another chance? These are things like mowing the lawn once week or taking out the garbage... Loading the dishwasher, or even counceling for a period of time.
    Report Reply
  • armywife8289armywife8289 member
    I'm sorry for what you are going through! I've been through something similar! I cutt him out entirely. He is your husband he is responsible for the home, n kids. He was abusive so in separation and divorce he should maintain that. But I'd say you know what I'm done. Your not changing. I'm not going to allow my children to see that. Your daughter should not get the picture of this is how men treat women! Or son if you have one. Its a hard reality! Been there!!!! I would tell him Its over. He treats you like you don't matter give it to him. No more calls, no more texts, dates. I would go to counseling. If he shows fine, if not fine. Say nothing. He can't cutt you off remember that's. He is responsible for you n kids financially!!!!! I moved my 9 yards out I took beds, blankets, food, couch, everything but the kitchen table, and his clothes!! No toilet paper, towels, nothing! I took our kitchen!!!!! House was empty! I basically showed him life with out me. He was empty. I ignored him for days!!!!!!!! He asked about our son. I said fine back. Nothing else. I let him sweat!!!!!!!! 5 days he sent me chocolates, and stuff he was sorry. He became devastated!!!! My husband was not verbally abusive! He was in some ways but not like yours!!! I just prayed everytime he called, I prayed for days, hell I was months prior to leaving, our friends prayed, and so on. I wanted the exact same thing as you! Wanted my family together! We been back together for 5-7 months Idk I got pregnant right after I gave him the chance to show me he changed... (Like 4 weeks after) but to me that's soon! Any how!! Now he's 110% different! Way better!!!! Best of luck! Men are non emotional. You kinda have to be drastic with the very stubborn. I'll be praying. Let me know if u need to talk! Just message me!
    Report Reply
  • melanier26melanier26 member
    Think of your children first. I wouldn't want mine to grow up in that environment and would be gone. I am a religious person and I believe that God is merciful and compassionate and would be forgiving if you divorced as you are looking out for the safety of yourself and your children, and you are all God's children. Good luck.
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"