Stay at Home Moms
txbutterfly
member
Options
Separated and need biblical advice (long)
txbutterfly
member
My DH have been separated for over 6 months. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years. Called me a stupid idiot if I did something wrong, if he came home and there was a mess he would call me a slob and say 'what do you do all day?' I'm a stay at home mom of 2 young kids but I also have a home based business and he doesn't help around the house at all. He also doesn't help with the kids at all, even when he was with us he wouldn't help with the kids except maybe reading them a book at bedtime a couple times a week. My daughter would even say 'I miss Daddy' when he was here because he would work late then just go back to the bedroom and ignore us for days sometimes. Then he would be nice and act like a happy family sometimes and show up to soccer games to save face. We had no relationship for years and he didn't act attracted to me. He got addicted to day trading which is like gambling and lost several thousand dollars and hid the debt then he agreed to stop doing it but he never stopped and even lied several times to my face saying that he wasn't trading anymore. I feel like after all the years of abuse and neglect I now also feel like I can't trust him much. On the other hand he says he loves me, wants to come home, says he will change and stop calling me names. The first 4 months of the separation he actually got more abusive verbally and called me every name in the book because he was mad that I asked him to leave on day when I was literally fearing for my safety because his anger was so out of control. He left without even asking to try to stay and work it out, almost like he was relieved that he could go, yet he's mad and wants to come back?! He didn't do anything for my birthday or Valentines Day which are within a couple weeks of each other and I didn't even see him for 3 weeks around that time. He started taking a new antidepressant a couple months ago because supposedly the anger and withdrawal and sleeping a lot is from depression. It seems to have helped him not be withdrawn and to see us once a week and call most days and it also has helped him control his anger and name calling/cussing me out in front of the kids. However I still see the negative attitude which is the root of the abuse. Like last weekend he said the house was a pig sty. I am taking care of the kids and house by myself and working and he has the nerve to complain! My mom came over later that day and said my house looked beautiful and clean, I don't even know what he was talking about. Then he went with us to the store and I got this gourmet jelly which was only like $1 more than the regular stuff and he went off and said that I am insane and I spend too much money on crap! My daughter started crying because she loves that jelly. So even though he has improved he has not totally changed like he says he has. Also I told him even if he has changed we would have to rebuild our relationship and date because I feel like I don't even know him anymore. Well he asked me to lunch after I said that 6 weeks ago and he has not asked me to anything since then! He just comes over to see the kids and I once or twice a week for a few hours. I feel like he is not making any effort to reconnect, not that I think I want to, but it just goes to show he doesn't want to be with me really. He used to say he was done with me and basically turned his back on me emotionally but I think hes trying to make me the bad guy. When I asked him why it doesn't make sense that he says he loves me and wants to come home but doesn't ever act like he wants to see me much. I think its for selfish reasons like not being lonely, someone to cook and clean for him and so people don't judge him for being divorced or something. I don't know how long I should wait to see if he is going to change. There is always part of me that wants to keep my family together for the kids and because he can be nice some days and I made a vow before God. It seems like the bible only allows for divorce when there's adultery which who knows if there's been any of that if he lied about the finances. We are still going to counseling and I try to be amicable when he's here but I feel like we are just stuck in a stand still. I guess another reason that makes it hard is I don't make enough to support me and my kids even with child support and I would have to get a full time job instead of just my home based business. I just want to make sure I'm doing God's will too. Please let me know your thoughts, I'm so confused. Thank you.
Re: Separated and need biblical advice (long)
I would honestly say that you should use this season of life and waiting time to press in and seek the Lord --- get in His word, pray and seek Him, worship Him, find sermons online that feed your Spirit and I promise you WILL hear from Him!
Rest in the knowledge that no matter what you decide He will NEVER stop loving you ... When you are following His ways and seeking after Him whole heartedly you will NEVER be out of His will.
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NLT)
‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3 NKJV)
Also I would encourage you to go to elevationchurch.org or download the Elevation Church app ... Go to the sermons archive and watch the series "God's Will Is Whatever" -- it's much more than what the title is but I think it would really help you.
In all of this magnify the Lord to your problem and He is ALWAYS bigger, stronger, mightier and He knows your end before you beginning ... He is so much more sovereignly in control than we realize and he is already working behind the scenes in your situation I promise you this!!
I am praying for you and your family.
If you need anything please feel free to reach out! I can't wait to see, how no matter what, somehow God works all of this for the good !!
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28 NKJV)
He has an intended end for your life and be encouraged that even though you're enduring this hardship and living nightmare He will pull you through!
Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord—that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful. (James 5:11 NKJV)
I am believing that this season of your life will be so rich in His presence that you will experience His peace that surpasses all our understand of what is going on around us. Build your foundation because the foundation of the Lord can NEVER be shaken.
Are you involved in a church? I have found that a good healthy church can be life changing---women's study or small group brings women together to be able to share and encourage one another.
It sounds like your husband needs to make some changes. Have you done Christian counseling? Is that something he would do? There are times when men need to hear hard truth from other men to humble them. I'll be praying for you and this journey you are on. Keep doing what you're doing - you're a great mom and your kids are blessed to have you!
That being said, it sounds like an extremely toxic environment for both you and your children, and the Bible definitely doesn't say that you need to stay with an abusive spouse. If you do decide to take the divorce route, I am a firm believer that a marriage based on God only works if both partners are fully committed to each other and to God. There would be people who judge you, but it's absolutely not their place. Make the decision with a lot of time and prayer.
And if you don't belong to a church, I'm LDS (or Mormon), and when I was going through post-partum depression, my bishop (leader of our congregation), after counseling me himself, helped me get a counselor who was LDS, because I wanted a faith-based approach. There might not be a counselor like that in your area, but if you want to check it out, you can go to LDS.org and find the bishop that's over the congregation in your area.
Personally, from what you told us, I think your DH is a twatwaffle and doesn't deserve you or any more chances unless he makes some major personality changes. Maybe give him a list of things you want him to do to gain another chance? These are things like mowing the lawn once week or taking out the garbage... Loading the dishwasher, or even counceling for a period of time.