Grandma wants other grandparents out of the picture as much as possible

DH and I are newlyweds and a military family. For a lot of our time dating we were long distance so I relied on my family, as we are really close. Even though his mom is in the same city, she has been very judgmental towards my family and me and is very much into our business, trying to figure out “what is best”.  DH can’t understand it either and simply dismisses it as, “well that’s just mom” and decides to ignore it. Now, several years later we are married and expecting our first and the first grandchild for both sides. The bad news is that DH has orders overseas and cannot have us come along. We have decided that I would move in with my parents during that time or buy a house near them so that we can have their support while I finish my master’s and I can help them too.

As we mentioned this plan to his mom she seemed very excited soon after she began to email me multiple times a day about other homes 45 min away from my parents and an hour and fifteen from any doctor. Anyway, several days of multiple emails and texts into it I decided to just go along with her idea and see the community. She just thought it was perfect because I could work at the coffee shop (the only business in town) and just be a stay at home mom (which we cannot afford). As this happened I was honest about my feelings and told her I thought it was too far from anyone but that I would discuss it with DH as this was a decision we would make together when he came back from training. The texts and emails continued, with more listings of condos this time in another area that would be perfect for us financially, according to her, however she does not know our finances.  As soon as she figured she wasn’t getting anywhere she shifted gears and started telling me that I needed to convince him to take us with him and that she couldn’t imagine her son being alone for two years. Things just got so out of control with her that I texted DH to talk to her and I stopped responding as I was not sure what I would say and did not want to regret anything later.

When DH got back from training he talked with her and she basically flat out told him he was being selfish by doing the same thing his father did by leaving before he was born and not coming back. She had expressed to me before that in her opinion he was trying to get out of father duties by leaving us here and that she was afraid that our baby would not know his/her father. This was hurtful to me, since as a military spouse I consider keeping the bond between our baby and DH strong a duty and a privilege. No matter how many times we explain that we didn’t have the option to go, she still didn’t quite get it. We went ahead and put an offer on the house next to my parents, as DH is very excited to have our family together and have my sister, the baby’s only aunt help out. DH, immediately after signing the paperwork went to his mother and told her that this was the decision we had made and she needed to back off. I was not there but based on what he told me she was very saddened as she is very afraid as to how my parents would influence our child, and possibly not allow our baby to know of his/her father. This supports other statements she said to me about wanting us to move with him or move us completely away from anything we know. To me her thinking is outrageous considering DH has never had a relationship with his father because she did just that and lived with her parents while raising her son. That’s neither here, nor there, as people do what they have to do, but DH actually considers my father his own and enjoys spending time with my family.

Now she wants our child, who is not born yet to come sleep over with her when he/she is born. She has already prepared a room and a nursery for our baby in her home. I have told DH that I would not have our baby sleep in anyone else’s home, not hers, not my parents, not anyone’s until they are older. He agrees but still wants me to take the baby over there once a week so that she can watch him/her while I run errands. This would be all great but now I’m skeptical, as I really don’t know what the reasoning is behind it or if she would try to turn my child against me. This is supposed to be such a happy time where families come together and I really don’t see it happening.

The day after DH talked to her she calls me, as if nothing happened, to see how I was doing. The day after that she texted me to invite me and the rest of the family to her church for 4th of July, which now I feel that it’s purely hypocritical and sick considering she wants our baby to stay away from them as much as possible. I have no desire to talk to her, much less spend time with her. How would our child have a relationship with her if she is constantly against me? 

Re: Grandma wants other grandparents out of the picture as much as possible

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    LC122LC122 member
    edited June 2015
    Seems like maybe you just needed to get that off your chest.
    Bottom Line: don't leave your child with anyone you don't trust, family or not.
    I'm sure a lot will change between now and when your baby is born. If your MIL wants a relationship with her grandchild, she'll need to work on her relationship with you. And she has no say in the relationship between your parents and their grandchild.
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    She seems like one of those people that you have to be very blunt and direct with.  If you knew you didn't want to live in that community, then you should have said so from the beginning, not said you would talk to your husband about it.  For all you know,  she was under the impression that you wanted to move there but after talking to your husband he said " No."   Just saying maybe she thought she was on your side :: shrugs ::

    As far as her watching the baby, do whatever you are comfortable with and start out small like her watching the baby at your house while you shower or nap.  Then slowly build up your trust and remember to be direct with her when it comes to your expectations.
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    Frankly, that would tick me off to no end!! Multiple reasons. First of all, being in the military is far different from skipping out on your parental duties!! That's just ridiculous. She should have nothing but respect for his service. And yours! Being a military spouse is not easy. Especially with kids. I watched my BFF have both of her kids while her hubby was deployed.

    Secondly, no one should presume to know anyone's finances! That's just none of her business!!

    Don't even get me started on the expectation that your newborn baby will stay with her. No. Way. In. Hell.

    My MIL is tolerable but incredibly annoying. She's not quite that blatant but she does purposely say things to my mom about the kids. We have three. Our newest is not quite two weeks old. Our oldest is 6. Middle is 2. She will say things like well when they spent the night at our house or Olivia tell grandma ( my mom) what we played when I came over the other day? Just always trying to make it seem like she spends so much time with our kids. Truth is my mom spends more time with them then any of the grandparents. She's the ONLY one who truly makes an effort to see them often and to special things with them.

    Ugh. Good luck with all of that. I would have trouble keeping my mouth shut and being nice about it!!
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