No, I am not okay!

EmpaulBrew

Over the last 6 months whilst trying for our first child, my husband and I have suffered through 2 ectopic pregnancies with a miscarriage in the middle. People keep asking how we are. We go through the usual responses of "yeah we are fine!" I usually make the joke "it takes more then a full holes to keep me down!" I have heard repeatedly "well, at least you don't have any problems getting pregnant" to which I respond "it's just getting it to stick that is the problem" I am fed up of the front! I just want to scream at them, "NO I AM NOT OKAY! I cry most evenings. Pampers adverts make me sad, I throw things at 'one born'. I am jealous, so jealous of every single pregnant person & I am dreading going back to work as one of my work mates has the same due date as me, but you know, hers is actually going to happen!

Rant over my apologies

bntfroggie

First off, don't appologize, honestly I don't think any of us are 'okay'.  I hear the well at least you know you can get pregnant line all the time and I'm like well a lot of good that did me, do you see a pregnant belly because I don't.  My sister-in-law is driving me nuts she is 4 wks ahead of where I was supposed to be so a walking reminder of where I would be next and she isn't taking care of her body which is pissing me the hell off because I followed the rules and regs, but lost my child that we had been trying for, but she can sit there and drink wine and coffee and even go on amusement park rides with her little 'accident', no where in my books is that okay,  anyway your rant made me rant a little.  Hang in there with time it will get better, but I don't think we are going to be completely okay.

MamaBish

I know what you mean. I see a pregnant woman and I think to myself, " I hate you and your belly" then I laugh about how ridiculous it is because it's obviously not true. It helps keep me sane. 

I do want to add that even though you may see another pregnant woman and be jealous (which is completely normal), you don't always know the whole story. That woman may have had trouble getting pregannt. She may have lost a pregnancy or a child before. She may still be worrying about making it to the end with a healthy baby. I had a baby belly. I made it to 7 months along, but I lost her. I try to remind myself of these things when I see a pregnant woman and find myself angry. I don't know her story, and even if I did, it wouldn't really make a difference in my situation.

((hugs))

rachrobertson

I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't had anyone give me the 'well at least you know you can get pregnant' but I think i would punch someone in the throat if they said that to me. I have had the 'you will get pregnant again and everything will be fine'. After a first loss I think we all hope that and want to believe that but nobody knows that for sure! I hope you get your rainbow baby when you are ready to try again. I told DH I am also wanting to ttc right away like him this time, but if it happens again the next time, I think I would have to take a mental break. Everyone is different, but for you to have gone through this all within 6 months, I feel like you are a stronger lady than me! I think people mean well, but having to keep a front up all the time is exhausting.

twointow83

I understand how you feel. Playing devil's advocate, they are just concerned and want to say the right thing but don't know what that is. However, it IS grating to the nerves. I quit saying "fine" and started saying "I'm surviving" because I am NOT "fine" but taking it a day at a time I AM surviving. The thing people like to say that REALLY grates my nerves is "at least it happened now instead of later when you were REALLY attached". They said this with both my late loss and my recent one and it ticks me off. I could have known I was pregnant for 30 seconds and been REALLY attached but I had her for weeks and him for months. I was already making plans, buying baby stuff, etc. I was REALLY attached! It urks me to no end. I feel like screaming everything I just said at them. Since this recent loss I pretty much stay home all the time, except to go visit me "safe zones" (people who don't say stupid crap like that, people who understand what it's like to have something you want more than the air you breath to slip from your grasp), to avoid these questions and comments and to avoid the babies and bellies. (((HUGS)))

GypsyHippie

Hi all- Had a D&C on Friday- I was 12 weeks, but according the U/S baby stopped growing not long after my 8 Week U/S. My bestfriend told me last night it was probably for the best. WTF. For the best? If you don't know what to say just say- I'm SORRY! 

ivfmommy1228

Since most people know I did IVF I get "well at least you have more frozen. When are you going to put more in?" WTF?!? Yeah, that was just the test run. I'm going to go pick up a couple more tomorrow. They act like its no different than buying eggs from the grocery store...

whit3183

Your post looks like something I could have written, having had 2 miscarriages myself.  I've felt all those same emotions, and I've heard "at least you can get pregnant" so many times as well. This whole experience has made me a lot snarkier than I used to be, so when someone says that to me now, I usually say something like, "Unfortunately being able to get pregnant isn't much of a consolation when your a frequent flyer in the D&C room at the women's outpatient center."   When people say "it's for the best" or "everything happens for a reasons," I usually say, "Wow, it's really easy for you to justify other peoples' personal tragedies."  Maybe I'm being rude, but I feel like if people make insensitive/hurtful statements, they deserve to be called out on it. 

WinchestertoPittsburgh

I had a co-worker today, who knows about my ongoing miscarriage, that told me "Oh, life isn't THAT bad! Stop moping around." I honestly wanted to turn around and punch her in the face. Not that bad? Really?? I just had an ultrasound last night that showed the gestational sac is STILL inside me. That the miscarriage I thought was over a few days ago, actually didn't do it's job and I have to have a procedure done to finish what my own body hasn't done. So YES, life IS that bad for me right now. 

I need wine. 

EmpaulBrew

Ladies! although I do not know you, I love you all! I was in a pretty bad place earlier and you have all made me and my husband laugh. I am so glad I am not alone in this... Thank you! Xxx

KristenAndCody

I'm sorry for all of you ladies having to go through this. I just found out today after an emergency ultrasound that I had miscarried... I'm absolutely devastated. The thing I can't really wrap my head around is... why me? I hear on the news, and newspapers of all these women killing there children, throwing them away in trash bags, or even giving them away because they don't want them... I wanted my baby so bad, and I lose her/him... I just don't understand. All the pain and emotion I'm going through right now... I can't even discribe it... I go in for a D&C Tuesday.... I'm not ready for this...

MrsGargoyle

It is 100% okay to answer 'How are you' with "I am grieving the loss of my child/ren, so I am sad." You don't have to make jokes to make the conversation less awkward, or to save their feelings of helplessness or discomfort. If you lost a parent, they would expect you to be sad, and this shouldn't be any different. Grief ebbs and flows with its own rhythm for each person, if you are having a bad day, allow yourself to be sad. If you are having a good day, allow yourself to be happy.

ChristinaMichelucci

I feel the same way. I feel like I have to say fine bc honestly most ppl who know about my miscarriage never had one and sometimes I just don't want to explain myself...

But what I really feel like screaming to everyone is I AM NOT OK

ivfmommy1228

I finally said "crappy" to one of my co-workers on Friday. I try so hard not to make people feel awkward, but I get so tired of faking it. One particular co-worker gives me a cheerful "good morning" every...single...day. She also ask "how's it going?" a couple of times a day. Not in a concerned way, but in a general conversational manner. She talks about her kids constantly. On Friday I had had enough. After the "good morning!" I resisted the urge to say "it's not good." But, when I got the "how's it going?" I just said "crappy" and kept staring at my phone.

As a side note, I'm a dental hygienist. So every time I bring a patient into my room I have to go through the "how's it going?" routine...10-12 times a day. I swear I'm going to lose my sh*t on the next person that tells me how horribly uncomfortable X-rays are. I actually said to one patient that would not stop complaining about every detail of the appointment "well, we all have medical procedures we have to go through that aren't so fun, right?" Her response "no, this is the worse!"

Lemonpig1

After my loss, I took to answering "how are you?" with "I am here." I felt like the implication was "I am not fine and I can't share all of my pain with you, but I'm showing up for life and I'll keep showing up until I can give you a more traditional answer." Sometimes it's amazing how such a simple question can bring up your grief all over again. 

jdubs0891

I completely understand... It's a rough road and i do feel obligated to tell people I'm fine when I'm just so upset inside about everything that has happened. I'm there with you sister.

vmcmkb1

Don't worry about hating pregnant women and crying or yelling at baby comercials. I just suffered my 3rd loss and I still feel all those things. It's not fair, it sucks that there is no rhyme or reason why this happens to some women and not others. I avoid grocery isles where there is a pregnant woman or small children. I avoid all family activities because several of them are pregnant or recently had a baby. I have even gone so far as to contemplate suicide after my first loss. You are not alone. I have a pregnancy journal that I write to all my angel babies in and that seems to be the most comforting. My Dh tries to be there for me but I often find it hard to explain how I feel to him. That's when u come on here. Somehow hearing about other women going through the same thing makes me feel like I can go on another day. I cry as I read everyone's story and over time it helps me heal a little. Good luck, love, and prayers and baby dust to you.

themattawedding

This was my first pregnancy and today it was officially signed off. I'm so sorry to see so many ladies going through this, but it's comforting to know that what feels like outrageous feelings are felt by others too.


It's been really hard since husband's 4 year old daughter is in town and today has been really hard to be around her. I have her 8 more weeks so I need to suck it up. I love her, and normally I love her being around - but right now she makes me sad and angry and all sorts of mixed emotions. I don't know what to do. I mean I'll be be her mom and take care of her, but I don't want to feel like way.

jarchbol

Seriously needed to find this group! Thank you for the posts. My first pregnancy ended this week (11weeks) and it has been such an emotional roller coaster. Hugs to all of you! We are so much stronger than we know ❤️

valleric

OnE of my coworkers is 15 w pregnant, 5d behind what I should have been. I try to avoid her, but this afternoon I couldn't. Had to see her stupid baby bump and it makes me so sad. Totally cried once I got home in the shower

spatter1

I am not ok either and am so sick of trying to put on a happy face. I'm sick of feeling crappy but I can't force it to go away. And no one who has not been through this can understand how it feels. No one can understand the pain of seeing pregnancy and birth announcements when we had our own dreams of how we would do it or what it would feel like. And while I know my husband is sad too I know it's not the same as I feel.

Does anyone lee feel weird referring to "when I was pregnant"? I have so many friends and coworkers who are pregnant there are so many times I want to relate for example "oh yeah when I was pregnant I always craved cucumber covered in salt and lemon". But it feels so weird to say that... Like I don't deserve to refer to that time because it didn't result in a baby like it has for so many others. And if I bring it up I have to explain that I was pregnant but now I'm not and no I don't have a baby... It's just so hard and even 6 weeks post D&C I'm still trying to come to terms with what happened. I'm so sorry for all of your losses and pray every night that we all get out rainbow babies. Xoxo

misslissa32

It sucks to feel this way I know. I have many pregnant friends and have to attend my SIL baby shower just days after my d&c. Seeing all of the babies and bellies makes me cringe at first, but then it does make me realize that most pregnancies result in children and it will happen for us too! Also, when I see friends obsess over wanting a boy or girl or terrified of each pregnancy symptom and even labor and delivery, I feel like if I get the chance I will be so grateful and have less fears and complaints. I am also mad bc I was so sick with MS for two months and basically hibernated in my house (all for nothing) that I cannot sit home and mope I want to be out and busy and eating sushi and drinking wine and soft cheese and hotdogs and every other pregnancy no-no. Ha. I am also taking anti- anxiety Meds as needed and I would recommend anyone else feeling extreme sadness or anxiety to get help either with Meds or therapy. There's no need to suffer through this any more than we have already. Hormones dropping mixed with loss and trauma are a recipe for disaster. I'm so sorry for all suffering through this and I'm praying for all of you girls.

Liz622

Can I ask what anti-anxiety meds you are taking for this?  I completely relate to everything you wrote.

misslissa32

I'm taking ativan. I've taken it before for anxiety and I feel a low dose just takes the edge off. I have tried xanex but for me it just seemed to make me feel down, which is not good right now. Everyone is different though! I hope you can get some relief.

CaissieBaby

I hear you loud and clear @EmpaulBrew! We recently miscarried, this week, and sitting in the ER at midnight watching 11 (I may have counted) pregnant women come in in labour or Braxton hicks was infuriating. I don't hate them, I wish them well but to see them shortly before one of the happiest moments of their lives while I was experiencing that, I was understandably bitter. I think perhaps that's healthy really.
I'm so very sorry for your loss
We all want this so badly and while we wish nothing but the best for expectant mothers, it's hard to express it through our grief.

BabyStewartsMommy

Ladies, thank you for validating feelings that I've been having. I work in a children's ER, so I am constantly seeing neonates and pregnant teenagers. Worse still, I have 5 pregnant co-worker, all of whom seemed to work the same days as me this week. I just had my D&C on Friday, June 5. I don't want to be bitter or the one people feel awkward around, but it is so hard. More than once this week at work I had to escape to a supply closet to cry when a pregnant co-worker complained about being pregnant and then when another was showing off her bump and letting people feel it. I feel like I have been kicked out of this special pregnant ladies club, one I was so excited to be a part of. Those of you who have experienced this more than once, I admire you for being able to keep going each day. We will make it through this ladies. (((Hugs to all)))

LinCarter

Thank you to all of you who make me feel not so alone with this. In the past year I've had one ectopic, a miscarriage, and found out yesterday at my 8 week u/s that the baby isn't developing and it's just a matter of time before I miscarriage again. I'm trying to be positive and hopeful that things will work out, but looking at pregnant ladies is rough. I'm not in the club and desperately want to have my own family. I also hate how the positive test isn't even fun for me and my husband because we've had so many bad experiences now we know not to get our hopes up. Wishing you all the best. Hopefully we all get what we want and dream for!

queenklau

Thank you so much for sharing these feelings. I had a MMC at almost 11W, and found out on Monday, d&c wednesday. I thought I was in the "safer" time period but again you never know...I am going back to work today and I am dreading facing my coworkers (that know) for the first time. Thankfully is only a few. Also my bff is 4 weeks ahead of me, I want to be happy for her but right now I don't want to talk to her. We were so excited together talking about pregnancy and such, I'll miss that too.

newfie69

I know how you feel. I had a D&c at 12 weeks too, that was 4 weeks ago today. I had 3 friends tell me this week they are pregnant. It really sucks and it's so hard tone happy for them.

Mamagator82

We discovered our mmc this past Thursday at 9w. Baby looked great the week before and had a strong heartbeat. We found out the baby died right after that ultrasound. I had. A D&C Friday.The doctors I work for told me to take all the time I need...but I think I am going back tomorrow. I am stressing about my job duties and the stack of paperwork that will be waiting for me. But to get through the day I asked the doctor to please let the staff know not to mention anything to me. (They all knew about my pregnancy bc we went through IVF and everyone was super supportive). I asked her to tell them to not even ask me how I am doing. I am not ready for that. She was amazing and told me she would definitely let them know and respect my wishes. I think that will definitely help tomorrow if I can just be a robot and get through my desk work without coworkers asking questions.

vintagevice

I was feeling so alone in my feelings until I read this thread. 3 days ago I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks 4 days. I went to work yesterday and completely lost it. I thought I was stronger than this, but I'm overcome with grief and extreme sadness. I just want to be a hermit at home with only my husband. I feel like experiencing this loss has changed me forever. I have to remind myself that I'm not okay and I don't need to be Wonder Woman right now.

Taking time to heal is the most important thing we can do for ourselves.

Big hugs to all of you. Xo

AL_TwinCities

I hate the "are you okay" "how are you doing" comments. What would be better though? I really don't know. Maybe "I am thinking of you" or just a hug and no words. MC is the worst.

Aquarius923

I am just finding this thread, but I agree with so much that has been said.

I get people are trying to be helpful, but sometimes it is best to just not say anything.

My daycare provider asked me as I dropped off my 15 month od "When are you going to have more kids? Now would be a great time you know." I burst into tears and had to explain to her I had a loss 2 weeks ago, I didn't want her to ask me anymore.

JWSquared+1

Thank you all for sharing...I was supposed to be 9weeks and was showing only 7.5 weeks when I found out (a missed mc). It was rough going through the mc process and ever since then I feel like I've been waiting to feel normal and for my body to get back to normal.
I just found out my hcg is at zero and I think I'm having the start of my AF. So, after all this waiting and wanting it I should feel happy my body is finally sorting itself out and getting back to normal, but I only feel sad that I am really not pregnant anymore..."No, I am not okay!" I get that and me too...and thanks again for sharing - made me feel better to know I'm not alone.

amandalsmiley

I don't blame you for how you feel.  It is hard, and no one will have the right thing to say.  I felt that way also after my miscarriage.  I hated when people would say, "God has a plan." or "You'll get pregnant again."  or "Don't worry."  People don't understand that your pain isn't permanent but it hurts now and nothing they say is going to help.  Especially not clichés like, "time heals."  Sometimes it feels like they are dismissing what happened as a small, meaningless event that happened when to you, this was your world even if for a small amount of time.  You need a shoulder to cry on and for someone just to listen with compassion. 

I hope you get your earth baby soon.  For now, I wish you solace and peace. 

westerngirl87

I'm pretty sure I'm having a miscarriage. This will be my third, and my second one since February. The doctor's office keeps telling me that it's good that I can get pregnant. That statement seems to be some sort of way the doctor's office says they're sorry. I also feel angry and jealous when I see pregnant people. For some reason today as I saw a pregnant coworker waddling into to work I just thought, "I'll never be that pregnant". It was weird.

Right now I just feel numb. I didn't even let myself get excited about this pregnancy. I didn't want to be sad when it ended, but even though I tried to prepare myself I know the tears will come.

AmadorRose

The only somewhat helpful thing I've heard at all came from my mom, who passed on what her mother told her after a miscarriage; I'm still a mom, my baby just made it to heaven more quickly than some others. I'm not religious but it's nice to think that maybe my little guy or girl is watching out for me.

BGleckler

I know how you feel. I've had three losses and I'm only 24, so all of the people that know what I'm going through love to say 'at least you can get pregnant' and 'you have plenty of time' but I get so angry whenever I hear these things. I know they mean well, but it's like they all had a meeting to go over an approved script that wouldn't sound so negative. Everyone always says the same few things! It's exhausting hearing this over and over and all I want to do is cry all the time. This is slowly tearing me apart, but it's encouraging to know that although I may feel completely alone there are people going through the same thing. Keep on fighting for your dream, and never say never. We are not alone, and that can make a huge difference at the end of the day.