New poster needing advise — The Bump
Trouble TTC

New poster needing advise

I NEED HELP! I have been ttc for about two years now without any support from my family who say I need to "be in a better place in life." I am 21 have been married since I was 18 and I have a full time job. I just found out this morning that my younger sister who is only 19 years old unmarried and jobless is pregnant by a man she barley knows and my family is thrilled! I have had a lot of hard times going though the whole ttc process and I can usually find comfort in reading though past posts on here and come back to reality but this in not one of those times! What should I do! What do I say to her! What do I say to my family! I NEED ADVISE!

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE GRAMMAR ERRORS. I'm typing this on a phone and its very difficult.

Re: New poster needing advise

  • If your sister knows your struggle and depending on how close you are you can let her know that while you're happy for her, for now you're a little hurt and that you'll talk about it when you're ready. And the way I feel about family is that they'll love you no matter what(depending on your relationships with them). If they're happy for her they'll be happy for you. Maybe they're saying that to make you a little less discourage because they don't know what else to say to you. Just keep on trying with hubby and worry about you , him and the baby making. Don't worry about what anyone else has to say. They're not the ones trying right? Maybe go see a reproductive endocrinologist about what's going on if you haven't already. Maybe they can give you some insight as to what's going on down there in baby making land. I wish you nothing but the best. Good luck!
  • KLake42KLake42 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'm sorry you're not getting support.  

    I've experienced a lack of family support, though not for the same reason.  My mom told me ages ago that she didn't think it was okay for me to be a parent (since I'm gay).  That's part of the reason I waited so long to start trying-- I'm 38, and of course, facing some challenges because of it.  

    And of course, now she's happy about me TTC.  That just took time.  

    And maybe we have totally different situations and different families, but I recommend finding some way to sort of see your family as people who, though you love them, are human and flawed.  If you can lower your expectations, you can maybe find a way to meet them where they are, without feeling all the pain around the fact that they aren't providing the support and affirmation that loving family should provide.  I mean, it doesn't stop hurting, but it can hurt less.

    And you're at the place in your life where it's not really about them.  It's about you.  You deserve your attention and energy.  They are just the peanut gallery, and they don't get to make choices for you any more.

    My advice is actually to do something good for yourself, and maybe give yourself some time before you figure out what exactly you want to say to them.  
    Me- 39 (turning 40 in April), TTC for the first time ever (since Jan 2015), low ovarian reserve
    Married 3/14/14 to my wonderful wife, but her sperm count is rather low
    TTC with frozen donor sperm and science

    7 IUIs, 7 BFNs.
    2 IVF attempts, both cancelled and converted to IUI, both BFNs.
    Decided that my tired old ovaries are ready to retire.
    Next step- reciprocal IVF, using my wife's eggs, my uterus!  
    fresh 5 day transfer (2 embryos) 4/17/17- BFP! 
    Identical twins "due" 1/2/17 (but anticipated arrival sometime December)

  • I'm sorry you're not getting support. I too suffered from infertility except I tried for a lot longer than two years. I feel like your family has a right to be happy and welcome a new life. The truth is most people do not have to try to get pregnant, and probably at least half of pregnancies are unplanned.

    Your sister may not be in the same position as you are but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve her baby and can't be a good parent.. I know a lot of people that suffer from infertility feel like innocent things that people say and do are done intentionally to hurt them, but that's just not the case. People are just kind of ignorant when it comes to infertility and don't realize what they are saying is hurtful. But the world doesn't stop spinning no matter how many people suffer, be it from infertility, cancer, poverty. So u would try to let it goso it doesn't hurt you.

    Your family has no right to tell you that you need to be in a better place before you have children. Most people are not fully prepared even if they plan their babies, I could see how you would be hurt that they say this to you, and I see why you are surprised at the happiness they are showing for your sister. I think since her baby already exists they aren't going to say things that could be taken offensively. A lot of times people tend to forget about the circumstances and are just happy a new baby is on the way,
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • TarraBTarraB member
    Tenth Anniversary First Comment Photogenic
    Sorry all of you are having trouble ttc. I had that problem to but I did IVF and thank god after 5 years of trying we did it and I am well was 39 at the time don't give up. But I know how you feel , I don't know how well you get along with your sister but just tell her you wish her luck because I didn't have any family back up as a matter a fact they kinda made fun of me wanting to try but I just kept positive and told them I am doing this so if you don't have my back you don't have an opinion on what I am doing now I have my one month old baby boy good luck to you all and if your in Philadelphia I know a good Dr that has awesome price for IVF wishing you all lots of baby dust
  • I know the feeling all too well. All my girlfriends and cousins and siblings are announcing their pregnancies left and right and I've been trying for almost 6 months now, not nearly as long as you...but it can still be very hurtful. Know that the universe has a plan for you, and it will happen when it is supposed to. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, be happy for your sister as best as you can...know that it will be very hard for her because she is not in the most ready of positions. She is going to need the extra support and your family probably understands this and may be hiding their true feelings because of this. Everything will work itself out, be happy because no matter what you're about to be an aunt! Good luck on you're journey!
  • I just want to thank all of you! It was hard getting back on and reading this. Just remembering the pain and desperation I was feeling as I wrote this but I am glad I did! I was feeling pretty down today and the kind words and support strangers have shown me has really made me rethink my situation. I see now that it's not my sisters fault nor is it her baby's and who am I to be upset with her for what's going on. Same for my family! I was reading those comments and it made me realize that even if they don't mean it or even if they do, this is not a time for my sister to be shamed she needs support and I understand that now. I only wish it didn't take me this long to realize that. My family only want the best for us but I know that it is not their decision whether I get pregnant or not and even without their support my hubby will be beside me along with his family and my church. I am hopeful for the future now that I have, what I feel was a burden, lifted off my shoulders.

    May everyone going through this, whether the struggle be short lived or a long road coming, be loved and supported in a time I know is hard. May you never feel alone and always have someone ;) to look forward to!
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