Parenting Advice... HELP!

stormyyautumn

Is anyone interested in a child? - He's kind of mouthy, hasn't been acting very good in school and I got a call this morning that he took $110.00 to school behind my back after knowing he's not allowed to take money to school. **Free to good home** Please PM me for more details. 

LOL - just kidding but on a serious note... WTF. Is anyone else having issues with their 1st - 2nd grade boys right now?? I don't know what the hell is going on but I'm literally going CRAZY. Hockey started TWO weeks ago and he hasn't been able to go because of how he's been behaving in school. I'm literally at my whits end.. he's missed out on trips and sports and he spends more time in his room in the afternoon during the week than doing anything else because he can't seem to act right. I can't even remember the last time he was able to play video games! UUGGGHHH!!! What do I do?!?! Taking stuff from him does NOT seem to be working. It's like he has no respect for other adults or rules and he doesn't care about the consequences and not being able to do anything. He doesn't act like this at home, he always does what he's told to do and he's not mouthy with me or my DH. 

I am 8 months pregnant with a little girl, I'm due in July and I haven't quite figured out if this is his problem or not. I don't think it is considering we were having these issues before he even found out he was going to be a big brother. ANY advice is helpful at this point! I'm literally going to rip my hair out in frustration. 

rrr222

Ok I feel like I was exactly like this with my 5yo son a short time ago. I couldn't take him to the grocery store without him intentionally knocking an aisle over within the first 30 seconds - he loved showing everyone else how much control he had over me. I was sick with morning sickness for weeks and I think he was acting out because he was afraid I couldn't take care of him.

Are there any activities you used to do together that you have recently stopped? Sounds like a cry for attention.

My first goal would be to switch the negative affirmation (reacting when he is bad - punishment/taking things away) to positive affirmation (acknowledge amazing schoolwork, simple good behavior like putting shoes on without being asked, etc.)

Second, you need a system for discipline. I'll share mine, but you can come up with your own.

Don't feel bad about going back on your word when you do start a complete system. If you put a system in place in one fell swoop, within 48 hours, you will see a big difference in his behavior and respect towards you. When you're ready, sit him down and let him know you have new house rules to share with him - a fresh start for you both.

The questions you need to be able to answer straightforward are:

1. What are the house rules?

Ours are:

No whining - use words to express your needs
No talking back - say yes ma'am when given instructions
No throwing things - use self control

2. What are the rules in public?

The above three +

Do not go where you can't see mommy - hold hands in parking lots
Keep your hands to yourself - don't touch other people
Use manners - when someone speaks to you, speak to them

3. What happens when the rules are broken?

The first time, you get a reminder to help you follow the rules.

The second time you have timeout to help you remember even more.

Lastly, it may seem like you need to increase the punishment each time they repeat behavior, especially when they do it back to back on purpose, but that won't work. Think of it like the justice system - when someone decides to be bad - the increasing punishments don't really stop the crime. Just repeat punishments. Busy boys really hate having their time wasted - time out on repeat could do the trick. It did for us. After one week, I had my sweet little boy back. He feels proud of himself because he feels confident he is good at following the rules.

It seems like taking away things doesn't work - doesn't work for mine either - big surprise when it's impossible to take away everything these days. I got "well I'll just play video games in my head" lol

1. Extracurricular sports shouldn't be taken away for boys - hockey should be a requirement for him even when he doesn't want to go. He needs that team effort for values and also needs to get rid of all that testosterone or whatever it is that makes boys so busy. Let him know he will return to hockey and will not miss any practices or games.

2. One thing that sucks about kids is you have to remind them 100 times what they are supposed to do. Don't react with "stop" or "why are you doing that" or "ok now I'm taking away this" honestly give him benefit of the doubt the first time every time. When we genuinely expect our kids to be good, it magically helps them to actually be good.

3.React with "--- do you remember that throwing things in the house is against the rules?" "Yes" "ok do you know that you just threw --- in the living room?" "Yes" ok, you need to take a time out (1 minute for each year - my 5yo gets 5 min) and think about why throwing things in the house is bad - make him tell you three reasons why the rule is important at the end of timeout. Supervise the timeout session and make sure he keeps his hands visible and face to the wall.

more often, he will answer with "yes I knew that was against the rules" and "no I didn't realize I just did that" - to that, respond "ok you need to remember because the next time you throw something in the house you will have a 7 minute timeout to help you remember"

4. The less you raise your voice when you exert control - the more he will respect you. Do not react emotionally!!!! That's when they feel control over you.


If you address each bad action with a reminder and then a timeout if needed, it will reinforce that you have clear expectations of him and you have reasonable ways to help him meet those expectations. Let him know that you are on his team, but you are still the parent and he is the child. You know what's best and that's why you make the rules. Reinforcing that you know you're the parent and he's the child helps a lot. I even made a few things up "son, I need you to go in the other room. I have an adult conversation I need to have on the phone." I think it makes them feel safe and nurtured - helps them respond to discipline.

Other thoughts:

Before bed time, allow him to write in a journal about how he honestly feels - and he can never get in trouble for what he writes. It's a safe place to start easy, fun and hard and challenging discussions. He can speak out loud and you can write it for him if he isn't comfortable writing.

You know your son better than anyone so ask yourself really honestly what makes him respond happily when conning up with a complete system. The goal is to gain respect and communicate care for him at the same time.

If you can, let him go to grandparents for a weekend - you could use some time to get your mojo back before launching a super program! Don't forget you're an awesome mom - think of it like the confidence you would use in dating (I'm a bada** woman and I k ow it)

rrr222

Also, have you asked the school what starts his bad behavior? Maybe it's an issue with another student or group of students. Tag along at school for a day if your school allows it