Newbie. (Loss and abortion mentioned)

Ameehan81592

So this. Is my story. I know I might anger some of you but about 2 1/2 years ago I had an abortion. I wasn't ready at the time and things in my life were falling apart. It wasn't the time for me to bring something so helpless into this world. After it had finished I immediately regreted it. About 6 months later me and my bf decided to kind of try again. Not try I guess you would say, but just not prevent. Not it's almost 2 years later and nothing. I'm afraid I've totally ruined myself and I'll never get the chance to be a mom. I'm overwhelmed with fear, anger and guilt. One mistake, and I repeat mistake of mine I fear has ruined me forever. Everyday I'm constantly thinking about my mistake and I can't help but think I'm being punished for what I have done. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and if you have angry words I understand. I'm not looking for sympathy, just maybe someone who has gone through something similar and has had a positive outcome. I wish every other woman here best of wishes in their journey on becoming a mom and hopefully one day I can join that wonderful group as well. Thank you for reading my story

GoldenKeys

Hi there, and welcome!  We are not here to judge each other's life experiences.   You did what you believed was best for you  at the time, and now you are in a different place.    Millions of women have walked down that road.

Have you seen a doctor about your infertility?   If not, it would definitely be a good time to get some testing done to see why you have having problems conceiving again.  That includes a sperm analysis for your BF.

If your insurance will cover it, I recommend going straight to a reproductive endocrinologist, and NOT an OBGYN, for a lot of reasons that you'll probably learn as you continue on your journey.   It also wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to somebody about the feelings of guilt that you are experiencing, hopefully you can forgive yourself and find strength moving forward.  Infertility is hard enough without us finding more reasons to beat ourselves up...

In the meantime, hang around, join our weekly checkin, and give a few encouraging words to somebody else.  Good luck on your TTTC journey!

Ameehan81592

Thank you for that. It's nice to finally let my feelings out and have someone there to listen. I dot have insurance right now because I missed the deadline last year and now I'm struggling to find a place to get insurance because I have to wait until November with my job. So annoying. I'm probably just going to go to the obgyn first because that's something I can afford without insurance. And about seeing someone about my guilt, I've thought about it but just felt that since it was my own decision I kinda should just deal with it myself. I definitely will continue to check in because I kind of feel a little better speaking with others who feel how I feel about not being able to conceive. Thank you so much for your kind words. You honestly don't know how much they mean

27alex

Welcome. I second seeing an RE and skipping the OB.

You made a choice. I think it would be more selfish for you to bring a child into the world when you were not absolutely sure and ready.

Good luck with your journey!

Ameehan81592

Thank you guys for your support. I wish everyone who is struggling nothing but the best. I don't wish for anyone to feel the pain of wanting a child and not being able to achieve that. Baby dust to all!!!

lifeislove87

"And about seeing someone about my guilt, I've thought about it but just felt that since it was my own decision I kinda should just deal with it myself. "

Sorry I'm a lurker but I couldn't leave this one alone. I think that it is important to talk to someone as you still have a lot of unresolved feelings about a very traumatic event that happened to you. Having trouble TTC is an isolating enough experience without feeling the feelings you appear to be feeling. I hope you stick around, there are a lot of amazing ladies on these boards.

Ameehan81592

I've been reading a lot of these ladies stories and I do agree. There are a lot of wonderful women here whom I wish I could just snap my fingers and make happy. But sadly that's not the case. I know I should talk to someone about the way I feel and I believe I will. Thank you very much guys. I will be sticking around. This is a wonderful place where I feel safe to talk about my life experiences and not feel judged. Again I hope everyone's dreams come true.