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December 2015 Moms
SoCalBeat
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Getting a Divorce? SUPPORT & ADVICE
SoCalBeat
member
I am contemplating divorcing my DH. I know this is raining on the parade of being happy because you are expecting and carrying a child inside you! However, this is something I need serious opinions on. I don't want people posting replies about how "divorce" is evil and never a good thing, or how you would never divorce your DH because he's so amazing!
I'm just looking for honest opinions on my situation which is personal to me. It's been a long 5 years of manipulation, control tactics and trust issues! I'm just trying to see if I'm being selfish or not and if I should go ahead an divorce my DH.
I'm 24 and he's 37, 13 year difference. We married when I was 19 because we were infatuated with one another. He pressured me for 3 months to say yes to him before the end of 2010; because of tax reasons (he wouldn't owe the gov. as much and I would be a dependent for him). So I said yes, and 3-4 months into marriage he bacame his "real self". He caused me to become an alcoholic with him, he wanted sex twice a day and complained/asked multiple times a day when we would skip sex for a whole day. He talks at me and not with me, because he thinks he knows everything because of his age. He gets mad when I sleep for more than 7 - 8 hours. He manipulates and guilt trips me to work for his business for FREE. He manipulated me into working less days and hours at my real job that pays me. He doesn't like me having friends and he doesn't have any friends. He always asks in an untrusting interrogative manner who I'm talking to, why I got home from work 30 minutes later than usual, or when I go visit my sister (who lives 45 minutes away).
Since out marriage I left him for 3 months after our first 1 1/2 of marriage because he would get wasted and pick fights with me and corner me in the bedroom or bathroom or in our pantry and yell at me about nothings and then I started escaping outside to our backyard and he would tell me to shut up and I would call my sister scared for my life because he felt threatening (as in his vibes) and one night he had me cornored in our kitchen against the pantry and he punched just barely past my face and made a whole in the door, then I tried to get away by pushing him and he pushed me back against the door and hit me in my face. I left for 3 months that time.
Then I came back because he made promises to me and also said he changed. This time around he was good for the first 2 months then reverted back to his old ways. I told him I wouldn't work for his business so I worked as a waitress from 7a-3p, started going to church, went to the gym everyday before work, and quit drinking and smoking! I had sex with him at least 25 times a month on average and deep cleaned the house everyday and cooked dinner every night. He still picked fights with me but I was always on the go if ignored them. I had us go through marriage counseling twice where he always lied. I still felt fear and he still drank and added smoking weed to his plate. I was really unhappy and left because he didn't keep his promises and he didn't change like he said. So I left him for 6 months.
Now I have been back with him for almost 2 years and I've found a happy balance between being "too goody two shoes" and being "devient and bitchy". I am a great human being and diffuse most arguments he tries and starts but he promised me I wouldn't have to work or take care of my bills and that we would go on date night Evey week and he would go to the gym with MD and make a few friends for himself. That " good behavior" lasted 1 month or do then he reverted back.
He speaks at me, he is vulgar about our sex life and when he propositions me for sex, he always has to be right, has threatened to kill him self if I ever leave him, and a lot of the same behaviors already mentioned. He's just very controlling, manipulative, and is always negative about life and his circumstances and is never satisfied no matter what I try and do.
Recently over the last 3 years he's not been violent anymore physically but he does hit walls and throws his phone across the room or does other things. I work late nights at my waitressing job and he spys on me at work... He came in dunk and high on 2 separate occasions because he heard me talking to male guests (nothing flirtatious) after my phone pocket dialed him.
What should I do? Is divorce is a good idea? If you have been in a relationship like this and got out, how did you go about doing it? Are divorce lawyers expensive? Any advice or tips or support helps!
I'm really scared to fail and become a burden to my family who is willing to assist me.
I'm just looking for honest opinions on my situation which is personal to me. It's been a long 5 years of manipulation, control tactics and trust issues! I'm just trying to see if I'm being selfish or not and if I should go ahead an divorce my DH.
I'm 24 and he's 37, 13 year difference. We married when I was 19 because we were infatuated with one another. He pressured me for 3 months to say yes to him before the end of 2010; because of tax reasons (he wouldn't owe the gov. as much and I would be a dependent for him). So I said yes, and 3-4 months into marriage he bacame his "real self". He caused me to become an alcoholic with him, he wanted sex twice a day and complained/asked multiple times a day when we would skip sex for a whole day. He talks at me and not with me, because he thinks he knows everything because of his age. He gets mad when I sleep for more than 7 - 8 hours. He manipulates and guilt trips me to work for his business for FREE. He manipulated me into working less days and hours at my real job that pays me. He doesn't like me having friends and he doesn't have any friends. He always asks in an untrusting interrogative manner who I'm talking to, why I got home from work 30 minutes later than usual, or when I go visit my sister (who lives 45 minutes away).
Since out marriage I left him for 3 months after our first 1 1/2 of marriage because he would get wasted and pick fights with me and corner me in the bedroom or bathroom or in our pantry and yell at me about nothings and then I started escaping outside to our backyard and he would tell me to shut up and I would call my sister scared for my life because he felt threatening (as in his vibes) and one night he had me cornored in our kitchen against the pantry and he punched just barely past my face and made a whole in the door, then I tried to get away by pushing him and he pushed me back against the door and hit me in my face. I left for 3 months that time.
Then I came back because he made promises to me and also said he changed. This time around he was good for the first 2 months then reverted back to his old ways. I told him I wouldn't work for his business so I worked as a waitress from 7a-3p, started going to church, went to the gym everyday before work, and quit drinking and smoking! I had sex with him at least 25 times a month on average and deep cleaned the house everyday and cooked dinner every night. He still picked fights with me but I was always on the go if ignored them. I had us go through marriage counseling twice where he always lied. I still felt fear and he still drank and added smoking weed to his plate. I was really unhappy and left because he didn't keep his promises and he didn't change like he said. So I left him for 6 months.
Now I have been back with him for almost 2 years and I've found a happy balance between being "too goody two shoes" and being "devient and bitchy". I am a great human being and diffuse most arguments he tries and starts but he promised me I wouldn't have to work or take care of my bills and that we would go on date night Evey week and he would go to the gym with MD and make a few friends for himself. That " good behavior" lasted 1 month or do then he reverted back.
He speaks at me, he is vulgar about our sex life and when he propositions me for sex, he always has to be right, has threatened to kill him self if I ever leave him, and a lot of the same behaviors already mentioned. He's just very controlling, manipulative, and is always negative about life and his circumstances and is never satisfied no matter what I try and do.
Recently over the last 3 years he's not been violent anymore physically but he does hit walls and throws his phone across the room or does other things. I work late nights at my waitressing job and he spys on me at work... He came in dunk and high on 2 separate occasions because he heard me talking to male guests (nothing flirtatious) after my phone pocket dialed him.
What should I do? Is divorce is a good idea? If you have been in a relationship like this and got out, how did you go about doing it? Are divorce lawyers expensive? Any advice or tips or support helps!
I'm really scared to fail and become a burden to my family who is willing to assist me.
Best Answers
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april172010U member
As a divorce attorney, I think the only one that can make a decision that is right for you is yourself. I think you have already made up your mind and you and baby deserve to be happy.
There is no point sticking around hoping for change if he isn't taking steps to change. I see people go through this same struggle, and really, they are happier once they divorce.
If you think the relationship is worth saving, ask him to go to counseling or AA with you. If he is willing you are on the right path, if he won't, it further confirms your decision to leave.
As for cost, I'm not sure where you live, but a divorce depends on how much people want to fight. Ask for mediation and that may resolve everything and save you money. Plan on at least $2,000 though. Don't let money be a decision for you though, there are legal aid clinics where they can help for less.
Good luck!
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CMDD member
I think your safety and the safety of your baby is most important. Maybe you can go to counseling, but will you be safe at home during that time? I remember learning in college/grad school (too long ago) that most women who are killed by abusive (physical, emotional, financial, etc) husbands are when they've left or tried to leave. it can be tricky- so get help! - Loading the player...
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Melissadmag member
I vote leave that S.O.B. are you pregnant? Do you want your child to be raised around that kind of a man, can you just imagine him as a father? It goes beyond you not being happy, there isn't a single shred of anything good about him it sounds like. He sounds like the typical abusive, controlling, drunk, older, abusive man. It's a cycle. He gets bad then when you leave he is nice for a little bit to bring you back in, then he is worse than before, then a little nicer than before so that he can be even worse than before. He has gone this far in 5 years, imagine what he will be like another 5 years down the road, or ten. If you have a way out of an abusive relationship, then run don't walk and don't let guilt for your family be the reason you don't go. I am sure they are praying for the day you leave that man and that they will welcome you with open arms and help you get back on your feet. File a restraining order if you need to, do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe, and your baby if you're expecting. -
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bkeller34 member
I divorced my first husband when I was two months pregnant with my second child. Well I started the divorce process...the whole thing took 18 months...it was ugly and there was another woman involved. It was hard but honestly I don't regret it at all. I worked my butt off taking care of my older kid and working full time...I was really proud I paid off my bills and made a life for us without him. He barely even saw his oldest during that time because he was too busy being a teenager again. Years later I met a fabulous man that treated me amazing...and help me resolve my trust issues. It was a healthy relationship that we both gave too. We have now been married since 2010 and have our second on the way together. He has also raised my older two. Don't cut yourself short...you deserve to be treated equally and ENJOY your life! Your husband should be your partner through thick and thin. Divorce is hard but it's a blip in time in the long run. And I promise once you are away from him and living your own life you will really have a clear picture of what you left. Do what is best for you and your child.
Re: Getting a Divorce? SUPPORT & ADVICE
Hey thanks so much! I really appreciate your professional advice on what I should expect and what your clients results were as far as their happiness!
My sisters fiance told me to go on a forum or thread to seek support so I can see what has happened for them. Since I'm pregnant I figured I would just start a thread on here. I trust you ladies and feel I have a report with you all!
*Edited for privacy because my girl read this already;-)
Only you can decide what's best for you. But I think you should ask yourself if you'd want your baby raised and cared for by this man. If he controls, manipulates, and verbally abuses you, do you think he will refrain from these behaviors with your child? Would let anyone treat your child the way he treats you? If the situation were reversed, what would you tell your sister to do? Do you really think you deserve to be treated like this by your husband, the person who has taken a vow to love and cherish you? I disagree that throwing things and hitting walls is nonviolent, because it shows a complete lack of control over his emotions, particularly anger, and that he is not willing to control his actions well. These behaviors tend to escalate. Please consider this.
Take care of yourself and good luck to you. I will pray for you and your situation.
If this were your child in 20 years time, what would you advise them?
I'm a single mum of 3, I'm pregnant to my new boyfriend. My ex husband was abusive and controlling. I put up with it for a while as I blamed it on his mental Illness. Then one day it clicked, that it was no way for my girls to see how he treated me, and that I wanted better for them.
Best of luck. Keep us updated.
I think that you have really made your decision already. You have asked him to change his ways several times and he does for a little while but then he goes back to how he was before. The best thing that you can do is get out now. From what you said his behavior is getting worse. Adding on the stress of a baby is not going to make it any better.
To answer your question, yes divorce can be hard and it can take a while to be completed but to me it seems that you will be much happier without him.
I wish you all the best and let us know how things are going.
Please utilize your sister and family and devise a plan to get out safely. When I first left, I got a protective order against him for myself and our daughter. I'd suggest that be your first step after getting away. Then file for divorce. As hard as it may be, don't call him, don't text him, don't email him, don't Facebook him. Have zero contact with him and let all of your family & friends know there should be zero contact with him until legal proceedings are over, at least.
I have since remarried and I am now expecting our third baby together, my seventh. You can and will find happiness without fear and abuse.
I'll be praying for you and your situation. Please keep us updated. You *can* do this.
Also, reread what you wrote in your post, as though it would have been a friend of yours asking for advice, and imagine what answer you would give her. There is your answer.
Good luck and stay safe.
God has a wonderful plan for you, as dark as it might seem right now. The decision is yours, but I think you can walk. You and your baby deserve it.
I don't know where you work. I remember you mentioning something about being a waitress. I'm one too, I used to work for Darden (Olive Garden, LongHorn, etc.), they have something called Pre-Paid Legal if you sign up for it in the first 30 days. It helped me pay for my divorce. It only cost me $222 versus the $2k it would have originally.
And as to how long it takes? It depends on whether or not they want to fight it. My then-husband didn't. I filed on March 23, 2008, and was divorced on our wedding anniversary, June 25, 2008. It was quick and fairly painless, but restraining orders were taken out, because I did fear for my well-being.
No one can make you leave him. You are the only one who can. It's hard to not go back, but as time passes, I promise-- it does get easier. Especially now that you have not only your life to protect, but the life of someone who is completely helpless and at the world's mercy.
BFP On December 7, 2013! Due August 8, 2014!
Reese made his arrival on August 13, 2014 after 42 hours of labor!
BFP on April 2, 2015, estimated due date is December 6, 2015!
Teryn made his arrival on December 6, 2015 after only 15 short hours of labor!
You need to decide if that's something you can deal with. But will it change? No. You're in an abusive marriage. Those. Don't. Change.
Yes and yes.
If that sways you from wanting one, then I'm confused as your current situation seems much worse than a hard and long divorce process.
It doesn't seem like there is any question that you need to leave this terrible man, for your sanity and your safety, as well as that of your baby. No one should live or grow up in a situation like that.
Oh, and people don't change, so don't believe things are going to get better. Babies add more stress and bring out the worst in people (you're tired, cranky etc) and magnify the problems in a relationship. Good luck mama.