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October 2015 Moms
anorthro
member
Anyone terrified of having a girl?
anorthro
member
I found out about 4 weeks ago that we are having a girl. My first thought was, "great, she's going to hate me in 15 years." I really don't want to start my child's life with negative stuff floating around in the back of my head. My mother and I had a very tenuous relationship from the time I was about 13 until now. I was an exceedingly difficult teenager with drug problems and I had a very hot temper on top of it. We got into horrible fights that sometimes turned physical. I am sure a lot of my behavior was situational - my parents fought my whole life, my father was terrifying, my parents divorced when I was 15, my father came out to our family shortly after the divorce, and my mother had a major illness just prior to the divorce and is also an alcoholic. It was a rough time, and I definitely acted out. Though I finally grew up a little (got clean/sober at 19 and became financially independent), things never quite got better with my mom. We are polite to each other, but I can tell that there's so nasty stuff brimming just under the surface. I have attempted to work things out with her, but she is still drinking and I don't think any therapy will help us until she takes responsibility for her issues.
Anyway, the point of this isn't to tell you my whole life story, but to set the stage for why I'm having such fears about having a little girl. I can tell that my mom resents me, and a small part of me already feels like I resent the person I've pegged my daughter to become. I'm not asking for advice - I know how to get help if I need it and I am capable of self-reflection. What I would like is for some other people to offer their experience. Do you have a bad relationship with your mom? Is it causing you some fear about raising your own daughter? How do you cope with the fear and negative feelings?
Re: Anyone terrified of having a girl?
I'm sorry this is so long, and while I have a bit of fear when it comes to raising a girl (if we are having one idk yet) my advice for you is to break the cycle and constantly remind yourself that you are not your mother! It doesn't have to be the way it was for you. It certainly won't for my children. Good luck!
I am also having a girl and I'm not worried at all. I learned from my mom what type of mother I didn't want to be. Learning from our parents mistakes is all we can do.
I think it's perfectly acceptable to start from scratch, if you will. Be the mother you'd want for yourself. Make sure your child always knows she's loved and accepted. Being a girl mom is amazing and even at 2.5yo, my daughter and I have a fantastic relationship and she knows how much she is loved. Don't allow your relationship with your mom hinder your relationship with your daughter.
My mom and her mom are not close at all, and never have been. No substance abuse, just lots of control/manipulation issues.
My mom made a really conscious effort when she had me to try to break that cycle, but while I was a teen it was incredibly stressful. Those patterns go really deep. We fought like cats and cats. I started drinking early, and I ended up having to drop out of college at 19 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. We didn't speak for years.
I was terrified when I found out I was having a girl, because I just knew it would be another spectacular failure. I thought I would have a hard time bonding with her, thinking I would have to force myself to love her.
Nothing like that happened, of course. My now eight year old is another strong willed, sometimes scary force of nature, and I couldn't be more grateful for her. Being a mother to a daughter has changed me so profoundly, and for my case, it helped give my mom and me the common ground we needed to reach out to one another again.
This is getting long, but I wanted you to know that what you're feeling makes a lot of sense, especially because of the steps you've had to take to consciously separate yourself from circumstances that weren't always in your control. But this is you and your daughter. You get to dictate the terms of your relationship with her (later she will have a lot of say in this as well). I think you will find that you will create the basis for a relationship that will be much stronger for it.
And good luck to all of us raising the next generation of women. We all need it (and a good colorist to hide our early greys).
I think it's about starting fresh. I'm like the opposite of you. I had three brothers growing up who were SO wild and crazy. One was sent to a wildernes camp and while he was away another died when he was hit by a car. As a result I have this terror inside that boys just have this total death wish and I would turn into a total helicopter if I had one.
But my husband tells me over and over that if we end up having a boy one day (this one is a girl) that we would change the conversation and it wouldn't be the same. Maybe you could try to see a therapist? These issues we hang on to from our own upbringings can be powerful. I have an iffy relationship with my mom but I try to let it inform me and motivate me about all the things I'll do differently with my daughter. Very hard stuff, good luck
Through all that, my mom and I are extremely close. Closer than a mother and daughter should be, really. I've never, ever, thought anything bad about my mom, and I know I never will. She's an angel, and if I had the choice to either go through all that a hundred times to keep her as my mom, or to instead be born into a perfect home.. I'd choose her every time.
But as far as you and your concerns, change the habit.
Anyway, you seem like you are doing your best to change your family dynamics and I believe that you will have an amazing relationship with this little girl!
With that said, I have a wonderful relationship with my Mother. We are best friends and do everything together. It is possible to have a great relationship and it had always been this way. Did we argue during my teenage years? Of course! It was never an issue though.
I honestly feel that it all has to do with parenting and how you raise your children. The fact that you are aware and concerned about that relationship and your children growing up differently than you did says a lot. You are already being a better parent than what you had by just being concerned and caring about your relationship with this baby.
Reading this, I believe you're going to be a wonderful mother.
Some people have difficult childhoods and get stuck and fail to learn from that painful experience to grow to give their own children what they lacked when they were young - and so the cycle continues and their children are given the same treatment if not worse.
Others have a difficult time growing up but have enough wisdom and courage to learn how not to turn into what they were exposed to for so many years.
I think you're definitely the second and from your post, seem have the foresight to think and reflect over this, to give your daughter the love, security and healthy environment in which to thrive as a well-rounded individual with character.
Because you've been through so much, and are still experiencing difficult emotions towards your mother, its somewhat normal/expected to feel and think negatively about having a daughter- however, rather than being fearful of and fighting those thoughts, I think you need to focus on telling yourself what you want for her, and strongly believing that you will give her everything you want and need her to have. Because you can, and nobody has to be stuck in a sequence of emotional, mental, physical abuse and instability. We all have the ability to grow into the people we want to be, it just takes courage, fight, and an unwavering belief.
And it seems you've already begun that process. Lots of love!