A deep question about kids that I can't answer - but maybe you can?

yaykarin

Some Context: My best friend is in a very new relationship and already thinking about what having kids with her new guy could potentially be like. As she muses over how SHE (unlike my abilities) will have HER kids able to sleep in so she won't have to wake up early, and how they won't require naps so that they can be on her schedule, and how SHE will hardly change her life at all etc. etc. Of course I nod smile and explain that my experience with my now 4 and 3 year old kids has been nothing like she describes, but I wish her all the best.

The Question: All that to say, a recent discussion with her about her pie in the sky expectations of life with kids had me seriously contemplate the pie chart that is the time I spend with my own toddlers. If there were only 3 categories - positive experiences, negative experiences or neutral experiences, which slice of the pie would have the most time?

Givens: Of COURSE I adore my kids, my world revolves around them, I would not trade the experience for anything in the world. Of COURSE qualitatively the experiences themselves - birth, first crawl, first word, daily I love yous, cute kids quotes - all of these are QUALITATIVELY worth, I feel, SO much more than any night out with friends, spontaneous trips, or anything else in the world. And they far OUTWEIGH the late nights, early mornings, endless demands, spontaneous meltdowns, etc. 

But the real question is - hour per hour, minute per minute (watching them sleep not included, lol) if you had to categorize the majority of the time you spend with your children would you say it's positive (they're having a great time as am I) neutral (no one's having a blast but no one's crying) or negative (no one is having fun)? Tough one?

dufferoo

Mostly neutral, equal parts positive and negative, but my heart tricks my brain into thinking the positives far outweigh the negatives... Hey, a lot like life in general, kids or no kids...

yaykarin

That's a good point. Life can definitely feel that way.. Though perhaps missing the golden, pre-kids age my heart may be tricking my brain into thinking that equation was a bit different, haha. I think, in my view, my friend being single I know she has some loneliness to deal with, but really, at this point in her life THAT is the biggest/only negative. I have a feeling the pie chart she is imagining for her life with kids will be far different than the one she ends up with (or at the very least, the one I have! lol)

Bigboobsmcgee

dufferoo said:

Mostly neutral, equal parts positive and negative, but my heart tricks my brain into thinking the positives far outweigh the negatives... Hey, a lot like life in general, kids or no kids...

Very well said.

Bigboobsmcgee

I would say that for my life, the majority is definitely positive but like PP above, my heart tricks my brain and I tend to forget all the negative shit because the positive stuff is SO positive.

My son is 3 years and my daughter is almost 7 months and they rule. My toddler can be a pain in the ass, naturally, but they are happy, fun kids and I truly enjoy being around them. I love getting breaks though and the occasional night out Who doesn't?!

I love this thread by the way. Great discussion starter.

yaykarin

thank you for the insightful response, and for your sweet comment! I agree, the positive definitely makes the negative worth it, in my view. I think what is weird for me, is I feel like my friend is trying to replace negative feelings of loneliness, with having children. and as great as children, I feel like she's replacing one negative emotion with a whole different life changing experience, some of which will be negative as well. In fact, some of which may very well be loneliness. I know lots of moms who struggle with that, myself included at times!

Bigboobsmcgee

yaykarin said:

thank you for the insightful response, and for your sweet comment! I agree, the positive definitely makes the negative worth it, in my view. I think what is weird for me, is I feel like my friend is trying to replace negative feelings of loneliness, with having children. and as great as children, I feel like she's replacing one negative emotion with a whole different life changing experience, some of which will be negative as well. In fact, some of which may very well be loneliness. I know lots of moms who struggle with that, myself included at times!

Exactly. Kids should never be brought into a family because you want a void filled. That reminds me of the teenage guests on Maury that want a baby because "they want someone to love them".