PPD, birth trauma, NICU... oh my!

Charmedseed

Friends, I'm a mess. Long story as short as possible... Early delivery at 33 weeks due to preeclampsia, on mag sulfate for two and a half days, c-section with a massive hematoma and bleeding incision that required a readmission, and LO in the NICU for going on 35 days now because he got a little cold and won't bottle feed now...

Between feeling hopeless that he'll ever come home, hating pumping, and exhibiting symptoms of PTSD about my own hospitalization, I don't know where I'm at. I'm either heartbroken or numb, and constantly lonely (I don't even like sitting up here in my office by myself while my extraordinarily supportive husband is downstairs). I despair going to the NICU, but I feel horrible when I'm not there with Ben.

I'm taking Cymbalta and take lorazepam at night, and I have an appointment with a counselor who specializes in mothers in a few days... but how do I get through the moments? The every day? Nothing seems to have any meaning right now. This feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Help.

blairdavis99

Oh my! Hang in there! It sounds like you are doing all the right things and I hope the counselor has some good ideas for you. I know how tough it is. I think preemie moms experience almost every human emotion, many all at the same time. I feel like I'm just barely holding it all together much of the time. My husband seems to go about life as if it's "life as usual" but nothing about it seems usual or normal or ok to me. So I am just taking one activity at a time and trying to make the best of it. And when I am not really feeling it, I fake it until it seems bearable. And then if I really, really can't take it, I don't. And I try not to make myself feel guilty. Because we are going through soooo much right there, we deserve a little break every now and then. So please know you are not alone and that you will make it through this. We all will!

Charmedseed

That's totally it! It's like I'm feeling everything at once or nothing at all. I don't know which is worse. 

Most of all I think I wish I knew HOW to talk about it. I hope the counselor will help, but I can't explain myself to my husband, sometimes even myself. I can know things logically, but emotionally seems to be a whole other story.

And I wish I had my interests and motivation back. I have so much I CAN do (I was in the midst of drafting a novel when I went to the hospital for preeclampsia, and I love playing video games and sewing), but I can't seem to bear to look at any of those things - especially the things I was doing during the pregnancy. I'm at least stellar with keeping up the laundry and dishes. =p

I know those are classic depression/anxiety things, and I feel like it's just compounded with the feeling of being in limbo.

Sorry, still kind of sad-sack here. I had a bit of good time earlier today... made a menu for the week for the first time in a month!

blairdavis99

Every little bit of a good time helps! And I think it's ok to feel sad too. So much going on. Just don't let the sadness take over your life. I think counseling is such a great idea because dealing with this alone is clearly not the way. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

TrishRingley

Hi Charmedseed,
I see your calls for help & support, and I see that it's been a while now... wondering how you're holding up?