Advice needed

rodriyessi94

I recently broke up with my boyfriend by choice because I realized im pretty much raising our daughter on my own. I have bought all of our daughters necessities ahead of time such as infant car seat, stroller, crib, bassinet, diapers (tons) , baby wipes, etc. on my own. I asked him way back in the beginning of March if he could go ahead and buy her car seat just in case I went into labor wary or anything. He tried giving me a 5 year old EXPIRED & RECALLED infant car seat! I told him it was expired and he laughed in my face like I was crazy and said that she didn't deserve anything new, then he said you can buy everything yourself. So I obviously got mad and told him not to worry about it and went ahead and purchased everything I could think of that I might need. I realized he wasn't going to be any help and was already acting that way so I broke up with him and he said for future notice if our daughter decides she wants to join something such as soccer, ballet or any of that sort she wasn't allowed to unless he approved and he wasn't paying for it either. Which made me mad. Then he said "when the kid is born let me know so I can go sign the birth certificate" like he isn't even going to be there... He going to wait until I deliver her. I don't know if I should just not let him sign the birth certificate and take him to court for child support, or let him sign the birth certificate and file for full custody? Idk what to do, I know I can raise my daughter on my own, I won't be the first or last single mother on this earth, and it's going to be hard but I really want what's best for her idk what to do? Every time I try to talk to him he just yells at me and says he not helping me and is going to sign it whether I want to it not.. What should I do ?

katier29

Start keeping all phone records & texts. If he doesn't sign the birth certificate keep in mind that he will have to submit a dna test which might be hard to get him to comply to if he knows your taking him to court. Also you have to decide if you want her to have his last name or yours.. personally I would contact a lawyer asap and see what they advise.

jesscmv

katier29 said:

Start keeping all phone records & texts. If he doesn't sign the birth certificate keep in mind that he will have to submit a dna test which might be hard to get him to comply to if he knows your taking him to court. Also you have to decide if you want her to have his last name or yours.. personally I would contact a lawyer asap and see what they advise.

I agree, I would definitely recommend calling a lawyer and knowing your options. Personally if he is going to be so negative and unsupportive then why would you want him in her life? Just my opinion. I'm sure that's easier said than done.

I'm also sorry you're going through this, I'm sure it's very stressful! I am hoping you can find some peace and figure out what's best for you and your baby. Good luck!

karaelaine1991

I absolutely would not let him sign the birth certificate - and I would just forego the child support in favor of keeping him out of the picture unless/until he shows he's going to step up. It sounds like he's being controlling and is looking to punish you (and baby!) and signing it would give him more legal power to have a say in her life when it doesn't sound like he has her best interests at heart. Agree with PP, document EVERYTHING and get in touch with a lawyer if possible. Good luck, you're going to have to be strong but it sounds like you already have that going for you!

MrsWiggleWaggle

He sounds like an manipulator. I'm always very wary of men who laugh at women and dismiss them as "crazy". It's a way to exert control. Trust your gut and give yourself lots of distance. It sounds like this man is already using his role as "father" to attempt to hold some control over you. Warnings are going off in my head and I really want to tell you to get away and cut all ties...but I know that may not be realistic or what you want. Just my point of view based on what you've presented here.

kbbtah

@rodriyessi94 im sorry you're going through this. I dont have any good advice, just support. Hopefully a lawyer can point you in the best direction moving forward. My gut reaction is that he should pay his portion of the child support. Your child deserves to be financially supported by both parents, BUT I'm not the best person to give this advice, so take it with a grain of salt. best luck to you, be strong!

KaLikeAWind

Wow, what a crummy situation. You have gotten some great advice here, I have pretty much nothing to add. I do believe he should have to pay child support to help you raise his kid, but lawyer up first and see what your options are. I don't know if he would have to sign the bc or not to pay support or how that works. Definitely speak to a lawyer, keep records of all correspondence (if you speak by phone, take notes of date, time, and what was said. same thing for in person meetings, should there be any) and find out the best legal plan for you. There should be some support organizations in your area that may be able to connect you with a lawyer that deals with this stuff. The guy does sound manipulative, and I would try to stay away while you work this out.

RondaRassat

first of all- you dont need to go all crazy it sounds like he dont want part in our childs life anyways but sooner or later ur daughters gunna wanna be apart of his. id just chill out till ur babys born n go from there, some men change after the babys actually here. if not, then do what u feel is right. and btw getn child support isnt doing it "on ur own" and if hes gunna be paying child support i feel he should have some rights to HIS daughter too.

delujm0

Definitely contact a lawyer ASAP so that you know your rights...but if you don't let him sign the birth certificate it will probably be difficult to get child support out of him later.  In your situation, i think i'd let him sign the birth certificate, give the baby my own last name, and immediately get an agreement set up in court regarding custody, child support, visitation, etc.  Even if you don't want him in your life, it is his child and he should have to provide financial support for her, even if he doesn't want to be involved in her upbringing.  it sounds like even if he is given visitation rights, he won't actually exercise them.  Unfortunately, it's pretty difficult to cut someone completely out of your life when you are raising a kid that is half theirs.  which is why you sohuld get a lawyer and communicate with him primarily through your lawyer going forward.

Sammy K

I had a friend go through something similar and documenting every phone call, text, etc is very important. Also, document all baby-related purchases and keep your receipts if you want financial support. Ditto for any medical bills. The more documentation you have, the better.

I am so sorry you're going through this. But you are already a great mom for what you have done. Best wishes.

Frogger5

MrsWiggleWaggle said:

He sounds like an manipulator. I'm always very wary of men who laugh at women and dismiss them as "crazy". It's a way to exert control. Trust your gut and give yourself lots of distance. It sounds like this man is already using his role as "father" to attempt to hold some control over you. Warnings are going off in my head and I really want to tell you to get away and cut all ties...but I know that may not be realistic or what you want. Just my point of view based on what you've presented here.

Totally agree with this. He sounds like a guy who is capable of terrible things. Just be really careful and trust your instincts. Be safe! (I personally would not even dream of giving the baby his last name, and have no patience for men who get to decide YEARS later that they want to be involved by hanging out with the kid every other weekend for a few hours. F them. Donating some DNA isn't that big of a deal.)

Katerina&Baby

First, get in touch with a lawyer before you go into labor to discuss your options and the laws in your state (especially since you aren't married - he likely has less automatic rights since the state won't presume that he is the father unless he takes action to establish paternity).
Second, decide whether or not you want/need child support. If you can make die without it, you may want to cut ties altogether and raise this baby on your own (sole custody arrangement).
Third, document, documenf, document! If he is already telling you things that make it sound like he is going to use his parental rights solely to punish you (rather than exercise them for the sincere belief about how he thinks your child should be raised), you want written evidence of this (verbal "he said/she said" is pretty much worthless since he will just deny it).
It doesn't sound like he is interested in being a father - just interested in using parental rights to manipulate, control, and punish you. The more you can restrict or deny him those rights, the better off you'll be.

rodriyessi94

Thank you all for your support, I will defenitley contact a lawyer soon, hopefully all goes well! I've been stressing so much over this, like I said in the end I just want why is best for her!

gilder40

Even if you don't put him on the birth certificate, paternity has to be established through DNA before you can file for child support. And establishing paternity would give him rights as the father. Just whatever you decide, the more specific you are about visitation and such, the better. Pick up/drop off times, who is getting the child when, holidays, what to do if the his holiday falls on your weekend, etc. There's a lot to consider and get in writing. The more specific you are, then there is less opportunity for fighting because someone isn't complying or being fair.

alexam2012

Personally I wouldn't even call him. He obviously doesn't care about his child so why would you want your child to go through the pain of a dad who shows up when he feels like it? Sometimes child support isn't worth it. Of course I don't know your situation so only you can make the right decision for your child but this is just another option. I didn't have my daughters father sign the birth certificate and it made it much easier when he stopped showing up. Otherwise his family would have fought for visitation and they are awful and he would never be there anyway. If he decides he wants to be a father he will have a lot of legal and financial stuff to go through and if he's not willing to go through with it then he's not really committed to being a father anyway.

KonaCoffeeBean

This topic comes up pretty often on this site, and it always makes me queasy to see how much misinformation is shared by amature legal professionals regarding paternity, child support, custody, and parental rights. Several posters have suggested consulting with an attorney. Heed their advice, and please, ignore everything else. Anyone qualified to give you legal advice will not do so over the internet.

glenwood82

KonaCoffeeBean said:

This topic comes up pretty often on this site, and it always makes me queasy to see how much misinformation is shared by amature legal professionals regarding paternity, child support, custody, and parental rights. Several posters have suggested consulting with an attorney. Heed their advice, and please, ignore everything else. Anyone qualified to give you legal advice will not do so over the internet.

glenwood82

Thank you for this response. I am an attorney and I am in no position to give you Internet advice. Family law differs greatly by what state you live in. Follow the advice of those who recommend you speak to an attorney (if it's too expensive reach out to legal aide or other non-profits in your area). Be prepared with a list of questions, and don't procrastinate too long, know your options and their consequences prior to the birth so you can make an informed decision.

rodriyessi94

glenwood82 said:

Thank you for this response. I am an attorney and I am in no position to give you Internet advice. Family law differs greatly by what state you live in. Follow the advice of those who recommend you speak to an attorney (if it's too expensive reach out to legal aide or other non-profits in your area). Be prepared with a list of questions, and don't procrastinate too long, know your options and their consequences prior to the birth so you can make an informed decision.

Thank you so much! I'm on it! @glenwood82 And everyone else thank you all so much for your support! God bless.

apeschka

KonaCoffeeBean said:

This topic comes up pretty often on this site, and it always makes me queasy to see how much misinformation is shared by amature legal professionals regarding paternity, child support, custody, and parental rights. Several posters have suggested consulting with an attorney. Heed their advice, and please, ignore everything else. Anyone qualified to give you legal advice will not do so over the internet.

Exactly. I'm an attorney and I can tell you every state is different. Contact an attorney and document all contact you have with the father.