Advice?

JumpingJellyBeans06

A little background.... My husband and I have been married for 9 years and we have a 4 and 8 year old and I'm also pregnant with twins in November. I have a stepson that will be turning 13 soon from DH previous marriage. We call him every Sunday and get him in the summer time. We live in Ohio and he lives in Texas (with his BM and two younger siblings), otherwise it would be different. We don't make much money so the cost of flying him is too much for us to do more of.

My stepson over the years has been getting worse with stealing, lying and is now stealing his BM's computer getting into porn and skipping school. (There are other things that are happening as well)She told us about the porn a few weeks ago and is frustrated and at the point she doesn't know what to do anymore. She had talked about sending him to military school and changing his meds. DH offered to have him do a year of school here just to see if anything would change. She told him she would think about it and consider it after she took him to the psychiatrist. 

I might sound harsh and I'm sure this will sound awful... but I'm so sick to my stomach at all of this. Its hard enough to get through the summers with out having a major breakdown. I get so stressed over him being here having to watch him closely with our other two children. I do love him, but I do not trust him. My husband had mentioned this a few years ago about him as well so I know its not just me. We also talked a little bit about it after the phone call but he is set for him to here for the school year if BM agrees. I worry about him with our daughter mostly who is 4. Our younger children look up to him so much and it breaks my heart that I even feel this way. I don't want to feel this way! I just look at the facts and it really scares me. On top of our 4 and 8 year old safety I worry about what the stress is doing to our twins. I've been having trouble sleeping because of this and have been an emotional wreck. I've been trying to hide it from DH for now so I can figure out everything in my head.

I will eventually bring up all my feelings to DH, I just don't know how to say it with out sounding horrible. Or if I should? I hate to even bring it up. Or am I being too hormonal? Has anyone else gone through anything like this? 

JumpingJellyBeans06

* when I said "otherwise it would be different" I am referring to only being able to talk to him on Sundays and having him in the summer time it would be different, if we lived in the same state.

hopanka

Ok - I feel like you definitely have valid worries because it sounds like he is having issues that need to be addressed and they won't just disappear solely by the change of scenery, so to speak. It looks like BM is doing what she can, she is not neglectful and is trying to help him, so whatever behavioral issues he's having at her house, he'll most likely exhibit at your house as well.

BUT - he is your husband's son and if your husband wants to parent him on a full time basis now and wants to help him, you should not have the right to say no to that, arbitrarily. This is the life of blended families. It may sound harsh, but his first-born was here before you were in the picture and if the posibility of him living with you was not something you wanted to consider, you should not have married his father. This boy clearly needs a lot of help. Your husband wants to give it to him. I think you two should definitely sit down and discuss this thoroughly, but not in a sense, that you want to persuade your husband to not take his child in, but in a sense of coming up with a solid plan on what to do when he arrives. And you cannot sugar-coat it. You need to ask tough questions: what are we going to do in terms of professional evaluation? If he has a working dx, what is it and what does that bring to the table in terms of care? When and where is he going to be seen, if he needs a re-evaluation/2nd opinion? What therapy plan can we afford? If he needs psych sessions (once? twice? a week) - can we afford it? How much is that going to be? Have we called our list of professionals - are they available/ready to take him on? What school is he going to go to and what resources are available for him there? Does he have an IEP/accomodations currently and what are they? Have we talked to these schools? What type of discipline is your husband prepared to use and what role are you going to play in terms of support, so you guys are a united front?

So, if I were you, I'd start doing a lot of research and a lot of communication with BM. Try to find out the root cause, what has been done in the past/up until now to address it, what has worked/failed. Then, come up with a plan/consult with professionals. Only then, you guys have a shot. Otherwise, if you're just going to wing it - it may destroy or significantly impact your family and it won't help the boy. Parenting a troubled/special needs teen is no joke. I am glad your husband wants to take this on and help his child. However, without a real plan - he might fail and take his family down with him.

I wish you good luck.

 

 

 

 

FinallyHappy84

I completely agree with everything PP has stated. I also want to mention that if you have family that lives nearby they might be able to help too, especially after your twins arrive. But in the meantime if it's family that knows SS prior to you such as paternal grandparents, uncles and aunts that could give him some individual time and that would be willing to help him as well and

dmndsr4eva

Why does your H's kid live in another state?  I would imagine that is part of the issue.  Being away from your parent for 9 months of the year is surely not good for kids.  I know that can't be changed but that is probably what he needs counseling to deal with that. I think that if your H decides to bring his son you need to be supportive and find ways to make it work and show H and SS you love and care.  If he really does have issues that need to be dealt with you guys need to all go to counseling and figure out ways to help him through it.  It won't be easy but it is what is required in a blended family.

cerafina205

You MUST be honest with your husband. If he does live with you. Watch your children closely. Honestly I don't see how changing the environment will help. At that age, it should be up to the kid. Forcing him to move across the country will only make things worse. But I would say let the psychiatrist do their job. Any time dealing with kids, doctors, and the courts, the last thing they want to do or recommend is uprooting the child. They want to keep the stability. Good luck!