Sister stuff ... need advice

jerseygirl227

Some of you may recall that I have had some issues with my sister.  She, my fiance and I all live together (which will be changing by October at the latest).  She is the first person we told about the pregnancy since we figured she would need to know and she would suspect something if I didn't have a glass of wine when we all went out to dinner.  We told her on Thanksgiving eve that I was pregnant and she was not pleased.  She cried.  And she acted like it was an irresponsible choice.  

Nothing has really changed since then.  She acts ambivalent toward the pregnancy with me, but she will talk all about it happily to my family back east.  (We live in Arizona, but most family is back east.)  She even once said that she doesn't have anything going on in her life, so she's talking about mine.  (I guess that's my fault, right?)

I get that things are changing a lot for me and my fiance ... we're having a baby, getting married, buying a house.  But, it's not my fault that she chooses to sit home with her two dogs all the time and do nothing.  I am tired of us having to be a major part of her social calendar.  (This has been going on since high school, btw.)  Plus, I have lived with her for most of my life.  We shared a room since she was moved out of the nursery and all the way up through college.  We lived together in a condo I rented, and she also lived with me in the house I purchased back in Jersey.  When she decided to come to Arizona a few years after I moved, she stayed with me as well.  In fact, we have lived together the entire time she has been in Arizona, which I believe is five years.  The townhouse we currently live in is owned by my parents.

A few weeks ago, sister mentioned how she was going to have to "host a f-ing shower" for the baby, to which I replied "you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."  And I was serious.  My mom was in town two weeks ago and gave sis some money to put toward a shower, which I thought was nice.  So I guess there is going to be a shower at some point.  Last night, I felt like total crap.  Was one of the worst pregnancy days I've had all along.  I was in my room and she came up and yelled for me through the door.  She wanted to know where I was registered at.  I told her.  She then angrily said, "This doesn't even concern me."  WTH?  

This from the woman who has told everyone that she better be the godmother and that she fully expects to be.  Seriously?  Isn't part of godmother selection based on support during the pregnancy?  (At least it has been for my family.)

I am really just done with her drama.  Not to mention that she does nothing to clean the house and she drinks way too much IMHO.  The only time she tries to talk to me is when she is intoxicated, and I have zero desire to talk to her when she's like that.  Since I won't be working from May til October, fiance and I are really trying to hold off buying a house until the end of summer.  (It just makes more financial sense.)  But living with her is becoming increasingly difficult.  Oh, and she also whined to my fiance while my parents were in town talking about how she is no longer the favorite child since I am getting married and having a baby.  Really?  Are we still on the favorite thing?  Are we not in our 40s?  WTH?

Not sure if I am looking for advice or just venting.  I am tired of being made to feel like the bad guy in this situation.  Fiance and I are house shopping on Sunday.  Am kinda hoping we find something we like in our neighborhood and price range that we can afford now rather than later.

Err. 

jerseygirl227

Wow, that was a long post.  Sorry!

niknak1208

Ugh. Family drama stinks.. that's for sure!! 

Unfortunately, I don't think any of this is your problem or your responsibility to fix.  I think eventually she's going to have to realize that she can't live with you forever and expect that things will always be how they were growing up or in college. You're adults now. You're allowed to get married and have babies and buy houses.. that's the normal progression of life for most of us.  You're allowed to be over the moon about that.  Your parents are allowed to be excited about all of those milestones as well. If it were her going through all of these things, I'm sure they would be excited for her  as well.  It doesn't matter if she thinks your choices are irresponsible or what.. the fact is that they are YOUR choices.  Her job as a sister is to be supportive to you and happy for you. We all have bad days.  I think we're all allowed to just feel crappy about things from time to time.. I think it's totally ok if she wants to take a minute and just feel crappy about these things not happening for her.. or not getting the attention she's used to from your parents.. but then she needs to kinda get over it and move past it.  

Boo. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It's hard. On one hand you obviously care about your sister and her feelings but on the other hand is she caring about yours? That's hard.  My BFF has as similar situation going on in her house right now too.. sort of.  her sister in law and her 2 kids and dog just moved in with them because she's divorcing her husband.  But while she's been there.. she's made no attempt to help around the house.. offer any help with cooking or buying groceries or anything. In fact, she's even been making comments about being there for the long term.  My BFF's husband just got a new job and his sister said OMG that's awesome.. we could buy a bigger house and me and the kids could live in the basement!.. Like no plans on leaving or ever contributing. lol  Frustrating.. for sure. 

I hope she starts coming around.  

jerseygirl227

niknak1208 said:

My BFF's husband just got a new job and his sister said OMG that's awesome.. we could buy a bigger house and me and the kids could live in the basement!.. Like no plans on leaving or ever contributing. lol  Frustrating.. for sure. 

I hope she starts coming around.  

Yikes!  That is some scary stuff right there.

Thanks for your post and reminding me that it's not my problem, it's hers.  I am really hoping that she'll come around after the baby is born and that I won't come to resent her in the meantime.

niknak1208

That's exactly it too..  you hope that it doesn't eventually drive a wedge between you.  That's exactly what happened between my mom and her sister.  My mom eventually just had enough and snapped and now they hardly talk. Their relationship is rocky at best. It's easy to get jealous and feel insecure when siblings seem like they have all of these positive things going on and you don't. I've been in that boat with my younger brother too. I mean he's this top exec at Apple and he has all this money and really nice things and takes really great vacations and both of my parents think he walks on water.  But I have to remind myself that they also adore me and my kids and my family and I'm not any less than he is just because I chose a different path.  We have different priorities and strengths and weaknesses and that's ok.  Hopefully, she'll get there and recognize that having a sister is a blessing.  

My BFF is a hard situation too because it's not HER sister so she feels like she can't say anything and her hubby is soooo passive. He is seriously the nicest guy ever but sometimes to a fault. 

KaLikeAWind

Ugh, this situation SUCKS. @niknak1208 is right. This is her problem, not yours. It may be hard because she is your sister, but maybe its time to set some boundaries. She is responsible for these certain household chores. She needs to purchase her food and supplies. Does she pay rent? Who buys her booze? If she doesn't pay rent, then maybe she should pay some. She's acting childish about this situation, and when people act childish, sometimes you just have to treat them like children and get firm. For me personally I would really hate living in a situation like that - I love my home as my personal space that is free of drama and a place I can be alone - I would ask her to find a place of her own. Oh, crap, but you said its your parents condo, didn't you? So she has equal rights to be there.

Wow, this is just so tough. I wish had more ideas but I'm drawing a blank right now. Just try to stay positive and enjoy your life milestones. You've earned them. Don't let her bring you down

xuxachi

I think it's about time for you to get some space from your sister. It sounds very detrimental to your happiness and right now you should focus on building a family with your SO and your new baby. You make your own decisions and control your happiness - don't let someone else control that. Not because she's family and not because you get free housing. It's not worth it. It may take some time to establish new boundaries, but I think it's worth trying. Good luck.

cneiding

A godparent is someone a parent chooses to take over parental responsibilities (raise the child) if both parents were to die.  So if you think she would not be the #1 choice to raise your baby....definately don't make her the godparent!  If it upsets her, well too bad!  Its your child's life and future at stake

jerseygirl227

Thanks, everybody.  I appreciate your support.

Just to clarify, this is not free housing.  We all pay equal shares.  It has actually been a nice opportunity as it has given me a chance to get out of some debt and put me and fiance in a position to purchase our own home soon.  But, yeah, it's time for us to split up.

Part of me just wants to suck it up and deal with it for the next few months.  That's the martyr in me.  (I inherited that from my mom, lol.)  The less drama, the better.  

  

Like I said, we are going house hunting on Sunday, so who knows?  We could potentially be out of here before LO arrives.  Stay tuned!

niknak1208

Good luck!! House hunting is definitely exciting. .

xuxachi

Hope you find a good house! GL!!