Advice needed from those who went through divorce with young kids..

mcgeeva

So I'm not exactly sure where to begin or if anyone will be able to relate. I have a 3 yr old and a 1 year old who are my absolute world. I love my husband and wish it could be forever but coming to the realization it's not. I have been married 6 years next month and when my son turned one I was feeling horrible about myself and knew I wasn't happy. My husband is an awesome father but we have one major issue for me at least. He has never wanted to really be intimate with me. I have asked before we were married and after for him to get help and fix it but he never has. Knowing my son turned 1 and I have had sex 2 times in a year and a half makes me feel sick about myself. But at this point I know I can be skinny as a rail and it still wouldn't make a difference. I know at this point I can't do it for another 20 years and be happy on a daily basis. I have been seeing a counselor about this for 5 weeks now who I actually saw two years ago with my husband. Needless to say we were told not to come back until he decided to do some work. In the past 5 weeks I have been open and honest the entire time saying my therapist thinks this is going no where and we should figure out together what the next step is. Instead of seeking help he cleaned up around the house and helped with the kids more but did nothing in regards to seeking help for his intimacy issues. He said he tried by reaching out to three people via email and that was it. Now I am at a complete loss. I told him last night I wanted a separation since he took no action which just shows how he feels about us. He flipped out saying I haven't done anything blah blah blah. Can anyone relate here?? To love someone and want to be with them but know it'll never be complete with them? I'm scared to be alone with two young kids and mess them up with a divorce but I know I won't be happy staying in a sexless marriage. I can't talk to friends because I don't want to involve anyone or taint people's view of my husband so we can hopefully have a good relationship for the kids. I'm completely lost and need some advice...thanks in advance

mcgeeva

IF this is just a board for single pregnant parents im sorry just let me know.

20thirteen

Oh, this board is for all single parents, pregnant/with kids.  The activity has slowed down quite a bit and I'm not entirely sure if any of the divorced single parents are still here.  I'm sorry, I can't help, I am not and never was married. Good luck to you, though.

kmcc14

Hello, I'm not a single parent, but my DH went through a divorce when his 2 kids were around the same age as yours.  His ex-wife was having an affair and refused to give it up but also wasn't going to leave him, so he had no choice but to divorce her (I know, messed up right?).  I met him shortly before their divorce was final and was there during the early stages when the kids were both still really young.  

I will say that it was pretty awful for the first couple years.  The kids were way too young to understand why their mommy and daddy weren't together anymore, and the exchanges for custody were miserable, especially for the youngest.  I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I can tell you that divorce is heart-breaking with long-term consequences for you and for your children.  If your husband is not abusive and you are not questioning his fidelity, I would try to work out.  Obviously this is just my opinion based on my DH's experience, and others will have differing ones.  My T&P are with you and your family.

dufferoo

Sorry, I don't have any experience with divorce but I'm kind of confused by your post. I guess I'm surprised your couple's therapist would tell you guys to not come back until your hubby did some work on his own. "Intimacy issues" seems like something you would almost have to work on as a couple... No? Maybe I'm not getting the point. I just feel like if the lack of sex is your ONLY issue, maybe you could try another couple's counselor or something before just throwing in the towel? It does seem like it would be a lot of stress on you and the kids to go through a divorce, so I would kind of want that to be my last option...

mcgeeva

Well we were asked not to come back because we were asked weekly to work on things and during the therapy he wasn't doing any work. He was basically told I am his last priority and he knows what the issue is and refuses to do anything. We have other issues but for me it's one of our biggest issues. I guess it's different for everyone but I don't want to be just married to a friend. I definitely don't want to make things harder for my kids but I also don't want to have years of resentment in the future and my kids be caught in the fights etc.

kmcc14

Didn't really look at your siggy before, but I noticed that you were on Clomid (assuming you probably went to an RE).  Did they do a work up on your husband?  Without knowing how old your husband is, I would say it is a big red flag that a normal, healthy guy would require sex that infrequently.  That low of a sex drive could the result of an underlying medical issue, such as low testosterone.

mcgeeva

Yep he did the tests and his boys were fine. He is only 35 which I still feel is young and I am 32.  It's been like this for years. We only had sex twice the first year we were married and same followed suite.

mcgeeva

I went through shady grove so I am now thinking they probably would test testosterone right? You can imagine I have wondered if my husband was gay (although besides no sex there are no sign), molested etc but still no clue. He can't even tell me after this many years what are his turn ons.

kmcc14

@mcgeeva I believe the testosterone is a blood test.  It's different from the sperm analysis.  Low T would definitely explain low sex drive.  At 35 I'd say that is definitely very abnormal (my DH is 33).

mcgeeva

Correct I know and agree

kmcc14

mcgeeva said:

Correct I know and agree

Ok, well it might be worth looking into since it sounds like you aren't totally sure if they did the test.  It would really be a shame to walk away from your marriage if there is actually a medical issue there.  That being said, I don't know what the other issues in your relationship are that could possibly be contributing factors.

mcgeeva

Well he is going to see a Therapist himself this Friday and I asked him to go to the doctor to get some test done. So I guess we will see.

acruleau

I'm surprised (just like duffaroo) about your therapist telling you to not come back. I would seek out a different counselor, one that works with you as a couple and as individuals. Don't throw in the towel after just 5 weeks and one counselor. Is the counselor he went to see the same or different than before? How did that go?

mcgeeva

Oh no...we had been going for 6 months. He wasn't doing any of the work yet I was. So if he wasn't going to work on things there was no point to go. Which I get.

He saw two counselors already and seeing a third today. Then he said he will make up his mind to figure out who he wants to keep seeing. Trying to be understanding but frustrated already. Just back to waiting. First one he said was too hippy dippy, second was a man he seemed to like him. This one today is a woman. The man said no medical testing was necessary because he thinks it is mental and was talking about his family history, his mother etc. First woman said go get a full workup done. Of course he hasn't scheduled that.

So just waiting to see how tonight goes.

lorist202

Thank you for posting this. I'm in a similar situation and the fact that my H walks out of the door after counseling and puts the whole thing out of his mind is not helpful for anyone and a waste of all of our time. He's as lousy a father as a husband too, and my kids think he's a loser, which makes me sad. My kids are 4 and 1 and honestly, if we were to divorce, I don't feel confident that my kids would be in a safe environment with him. That and the impact it would have on my kids forces me to stay but it's very hard on all of us, and many days I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Hugs to you, Mama. You're definitely not the only one facing a situation like this.