September 2015 Moms

non pregnancy rant.... my 20 year old step daughter is lazy

needaprinceneedaprince member
edited March 2015 in September 2015 Moms
I have 4step daughters and I love them all very much. My oldest However, who is 20, has been getting on my nerves since she turned 18. She doesn't help with anything. Comes and goes as she pleases. Leaves her room a pig stye (which doesn't make sense since she's hardly there) and anything she does do, she does half ass and messy, which in turn leaves more work for me. I really wish my husband would say something but he just "let's her live her life as long as she stays out of trouble"
What a crock of shit. Last night I asked her to buy our turtles some food, but she said she was broke. Broke how? She doesn't have a car or bills. Oh wait she said she does have bills, she just doesn't tell us about them. Whatever, buying clothes and weed are not bills. I ask very little of her because it's more of a pain then it's worth but she has no problem running to me for rides. But when I ask for something super simple it's a huge hassle. I hate being fed bull shit especially from someone who literally has it made at her age. I Hate To Admit It But I love when she's not home. Makes my life so much less stressful.

Re: non pregnancy rant.... my 20 year old step daughter is lazy

  • I was the same way when I was that age. I blew my money and had fun when I didn't have other obligations. I didn't have siblings tho and I went to school and worked so I was gone literally all the time. My thought was that since I was paying for my school and all of the things I needed, then why shouldn't I have fun? It took a toll on my mom too. She didn't understand it. But this is what kids do at that age. Idk if she's in school or not, but if not she's probably living up not being bound by school and work. She probably finally feels free from it. My roommate who just finished college is the same way. She's never home and she's rarely around to help out. As long as she keeps her mess out of shared areas, that's her right in my eyes. I know it's different when watching your kids do it, but I'm chiming in because we are only 25. So I was there not too long ago, before I got my corporate job and was able to move out and afford a place. I know it's annoying. I get annoyed with my roommate bc I grew up a little faster than she did. She's just now getting into the REAL job world and on her feet. So I'm letting her do her thing. Sometimes it's hard even for me to remember what it's like t finally have some freedom. :/
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  • Elecin said:

    I'm not sure I agree with the previous poster.  Maybe because I'm a bit older.  


    My room was messy at 20, yes, but I had to contribute to the housework or my mother made my home life miserable...and rightly so.  She was a single mom with three kids.  Why should she have to do it all?  

    My 23 year old brother lives with my fiance and me and if his mess is confined to his room I don't give him trouble.  But when the garbage is piling up and spilling over (his ONLY job)  I get really pissed and let him know what's what.  Same if I'm missing dishes and know they're piled up in his room.  I'm not a maid.  I have a full time job on top of paying half the bills in the house.  So, to me, there's no good enough excuse.  

    I sure wouldn't be giving her rides anywhere.  Maybe you should start there and give her the 'you scratch my back, I scratch yours speech.". I don't think that's unreasonable.  

    Good Luck!
    Yeah I agree with you not agreeing lol
    When I was 20 yeah, I was less responsible, but I'd be damned if I even to this day treat my parents like they're a convenience to me. Being responsible and helping out isn't torture. She tells me it's human error haha! How can being lazy and ignoring very simple repeated instruction be human error. It's being lazy plain and simple. I could care less what she's doing when she's not home, she's of age and responsible for herself but don't treat my house like a convenient refuge to act like a lazy pig. She's in school and works which I'm proud of her for doing, it's her lack of respect and appreciation that I can't stand. It's not like we're charging her rent. The very least she could do is pick up after herself and do the dishes once in awhile or take out the trash. It's dad that I have to ask my friends to go check on our pets because she'll just let them starve.
  • I would talk with your husband and let him know how her actions make you feel. You should both get on the same page with how to handle her behavior. Once you both agree/compromise on how you want her to behave I would tell her your expectations/rules and if she can't meet them then she is punished (no rides, no priviledges, no wifi, whatever fits).

    When I was 20 I knew that if I didn't keep myself straight that my parents would lay down the law on my butt. That included keeping my room orderly, completing chores, keeping good grades, and staying out of trouble. Personally, I think that whole let them do whatever but stay out of trouble is crap and is doing everyone involved a disservice. She is an "adult" and should start acting like one instead of a child. She needs to realize her actions have consequences.

    Good luck, I know it's a tough situation, but if you and your husband become a team on this and be consistent, I think you'll see the change you want.
  • Sounds like she needs a reality check. When I was 20, I had a full time job, plus college, and I had my own place. My parents refused to pay for me after I turned 18, and I guess that forced me to be more responsible. Sounds like you & the hubby need to have a talk about the little bird leaving the nest...
    Good luck!
  • No advice.  At 20 years old, I was in college and effectively supporting myself. 

    Being a step-parent is hard.  In fact, I think it's probably harder than being a parent of your own children.  I think the best course of action is to probably talk to your husband, as he'll ultimately need to be the enforcer of whatever you decide.

     

    Good luck!

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  • edited March 2015
    I'm definitely with the posters saying that you're not wrong to be upset. At 20, I was going through quite a few things (suicide of my best friend, parents lost their house, dad lost his job, cascade effect to me dropping out of college 2 days before the start of my senior year...you get the idea). I was kind of a mess. But I was never this disrespectful to my parents.

    I am of the opinion (and it IS an opinion, so make of it what you will) that unless a child is paying rent to their parents to live under their roof, especially at 20, then they have to respect the rules of the house. This includes keeping areas clean (yes, even their room) and helping out around the house when needed. If they don't, then the parent is well within their rights to ask them to leave.
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  • Wow... When I was 20, I was planning my wedding... Anyway, I do understand being messy. I was a bit messy at times, but always effectively cleaned up after myself and helped with daily chores while I was still in my parents house and I was broke. But that was because I was planning my wedding and my car died. I had to use my savings to buy a new one so I could to school and was not working because of school and health problems. I definitely understand being upset. I agree with pp, tell your husband how it's making you feel and find solution that works for the two of you. Good luck!
  • Being a mess in her own room is one thing, not doing a damn thing to help is quite another. As others have said, your husband needs to get on the same page as you. Maybe she needs to be paying rent, moving out, or pulling her own weight.

    Not to be a bitch but seriously, 20? I had to pay rent to my mom from 18 on, which helped me in the long run. I had moved out by 19, and I bought my condo on my own at 24 because I appreciated the value of a dollar and a chore. Bye Felicia.
  • We are singing the same tune except mine is my stepson and he is 21. My husband and I just got on the same page but its sell a daily work in progress. I literally made me husband do everything my stepson was supposed to do. I rode is butt and he finally got sick of it. Getting your husband onboard is key. Good luck!
  • My cousin was/is like that. My aunt never kicked him out because he would have just mooched off one of his friends, who she didn't consider a good influence.
    Unfortunately, he is pushing 30 and still lives with them, even though he has a better job now and is slightly more responsible.
    I don't think you're doing yourself or her any favors by allowing her mooch like that. Create a plan with your husband for her to either pay rent or move out and support herself. That way you can talk to her about it with a united front. Good luck!
  • Personally if it were me, if she couldn't pick up the turtle food (and ask for the money to do so) she wouldn't be getting rides from me for at least a week. But that's just me. I would also speak to your husband about her actions. In my opinion if she's living with you she should be helping out with chores etc.

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  • Sounds like she needs a reality check. When I was 20, I had a full time job, plus college, and I had my own place. My parents refused to pay for me after I turned 18, and I guess that forced me to be more responsible. Sounds like you & the hubby need to have a talk about the little bird leaving the nest...
    Good luck!

    This exactly, moved out when I was 18 by choice. There was Short time in between places i stayed with my parents, but I helped clean, my space was clean and I paid rent, worked & went to school full time. I expect my 7 & 3 yo told do their chores and keep their rooms clean.
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  • kjs08kjs08 member
    I was in school at 20, and although my parents paid my tuition, I had an on-campus job that paid for my room. I didn't get a paycheck, but it took $6000 off my tuition bill for the year, which was a huge help to them. 

    During breaks, I had a job to be able to pay for things I needed at school (books, gas, food, etc.) since my parents didn't pay for any of that (in my defense, they did pay my car insurance and cell phone bill till I finished school), and I busted my butt when I was living with them: dishes, trash, vacuum, take the credit card to do the grocery shopping, hell, I'd even mow the lawn (grew up on 4 acres) and use the snowblower! I've even gone so far as to change the oil in all the vehicles (4 cars, and my dad taught me how in middle school) after my dad had hernia surgery because I sure as hell wasn't letting him do it (I actually sent him back in the house unless he was just going to supervise). I owe my parents so much for what I've learned from them and I realized it much sooner than my sister ever did (she's 3 years younger and went through a rebellious phase at 20, like your stepdaughter). Even I wanted to throw my sister in the ocean with bricks on her feet she was so awful. 

    You and your hubby need to get on the same page. If set expectations aren't being met, then she needs to pay her way. You feed her and put a roof over her head, and she gets to use and abuse everything in the house, then she needs to chip in.  


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  • Thanks everyone for the supporting words, I was a little worried in the beginning I was being harsh because when I was 20 of was preparing for my second daughter working 2 jobs and going to school. Having kids young threw me into adulthood quicker but even when I did love with my dad for a short time, we split the rent and utilities and I cooked dinner and cleaned for him because he bought all the food. I'm all for helping her when she needs it, but she's been waiting to even drive/get her license for years already. I had mine at 16, and I did it on my own, not having my mommy hold my hand for everything. I get that at that age you want to have fun and enjoy being "of age" but with age comes responsibility.
    I've tried talking to my husband on several occasions but he thinks I'm just out to kick her out. (although I wouldn't stop her moving out if she wanted to) I'm definitely not trying to be the evil step mother, I'm actually the one who helped her get the courage to ask to move in to begin with because her mother was so awful to her and we use to be super close. I just don't think she's a good example for her younger siblings either. Parents are supposed to raise our young to become successful responsible respectful adults and since I wasn't in her life as a child she treats me like I have no say and I already know the "OK daddy" game she plays with my husband.
  • I don't think it's harsh at all, although I do feel like you're in a tough spot.  

    At 20 I was working part time and going to college part time.  I didn't have to pay rent but I did have to pay for anything I needed for myself...school books, clothes, phone, outings, etc.  I didn't have my license then either but I knew not to depend on my mother for rides I had long figured out the bus schedule by then.  

    Maybe if you're on your husband to do the things she doesn't then he'll get hip to her game and get tired of picking up her slack.

    Good luck!
  • I'm sorry, how has no one brought up the fact that "buying weed" is considered staying out of trouble?! Unless its legal where you live, that would be it for me. I wouldn't have that in the house with my child.

    For the record, I'm not anti-marijuana. I used to smoke regularly in college.. but if its illegal where you live, then she is breaking the law in your home!

    As for the rest of it, I agree with all the pps who have said that you and your husband need to get on the same page. There is nothing wrong with expecting her to pull her weight at home. If she wants to be treated as an adult, she should act like one.. "rebellious stage" or not.
  • I don't think you're wrong at all. Sounds like a frustrating situation! Definitely time for her to learn about being a grown up and having responsibilities. At 20 I was working 50+ hours a week, had my own place, car payment and life completely separate from my parents. At that point I understood the hardships of being an adult and moving out at 18 quickly snapped me out of my teenage disrespectful to my parents phase. Once real life was thrown at me I saw my parents in a new light and understood they weren't being stupid all through high school, they were trying to teach me to be responsible. Light bulb!  

    I would not be okay with her having money for weed and clothes, but not money to help out around the house. If she has money to waste, then she has money to learn responsibility with. Being a step parent has to be so challenging! I wouldn't even feel too bad about kicking her out. Sometimes tough love is the most beneficial and meaningful kind of love a person can get. I look back now and some of the harshest things my parents did ultimately made me so much better. Was I pissed off at the time? Yep! Do I thank them for it now? Definitely! 
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  • OK update because I have no one to talk to. On our way home, the little witch is huffing and puffing at every red light and bitching about "finally" going home. When I pull into our street I see her friends car waiting in front of our house. I said oh, no wonder the was so much sudden attitude in the car. Friends are more important than family anyway right? Smh
    She was snappy with her little sisters which triggered my anger and it just got worse and worse. I've asked my husband several times to have her clean her room but no. "He's never home to tell her" what a load of crap. Text her!
    She storms into the house only tells dear daddy bye and leaves. He can see that I'm irritated, knows why and when I start to calmly talk to him about it he says, "he doesn't see it" boggled my mind! How do you not see how she treats this house and everyone in it like a convenience and like we owe her something. She's been making rude comments about my pregnancy too and then trues to touch my stomach. Um no! Uh, I'm so posed I wish I could figure out some this to do that would make him realize how miserable she's making others feel in our own home.
  • kjs08kjs08 member
    This probably wouldn't be so helpful considering how old she is, but when I was in middle school, my mom got so sick of telling me to clean my room that she said to me one day that I would come home and all my stuff would be gone. Naturally, I didn't believe her, but she did end up packing all my stuff into garbage bags and threw my stuff all over the front lawn while I had friends over for a sleepover. I was so embarrassed and pissed, but the point got across: her house, her rules. I still wasn't the cleanest person, but my room looked better after that. My mom had reached the end of her rope and my dad never said anything to me, ever, about how messy my room was so I can imagine it's a similar situation. 

    Sadly, it sounds like the situation needs drastic measures at this point. 
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  • Definitely, I hate to become the evil step mother what so ever but she seems to think that because daddy pays for everything, my rules don't matter and that's fine. So from now on, no more rides, ever. I don't care if she has to wait for 4 hours for her boyfriend to get off work to go for her or take her. I'm no longer helping her finish her laundry to get it out of the way. See she likes to put towels that are still damp away and then the linen closet smells like mold, or throw my clothes out of the dryer to wash her own. Not happening anymore. She can also buy her own laundry detergent and dryer sheets. And every time something of mine goes missing into her room, I'm going to find it then gradually pick out something to throw away in hers. She won't ever say anything to me, and I will stop nagging her dad and play the same little innocent attitude she does around my husband. I'm fed up and if she wants to play games, fine. She had it made with a step mom who would bend over backwards for her, but I'm not one to be taken advantage of. My own children know this, and I'll be dammed if I'm going to allow her to show them that's how they act at her age.
  • I wouldn't view it as being an "evil step mother" you are simply being her parent. She needs to shape up or ship out (gosh I sound like an old fuddy duddy but I'm really not- I'm only 28 myself lol)

    It is a tricky dynamic as a step parent but I would take that out of the equation and simply view her as your daughter and you as her parent. It's our responsibility as parents to teach our kids responsibility and to prepare them for real life. It's not real life to have no expectations, be able to blow money on whatever we want, break the law (I.e. marijuana) with no consequences.

    If it were me I would right up a rent agreement, start charging her rent and include in that what her responsibilities are. For example, since she can't drive you could barter that in return for rides she's expected to do xyz around the house (and it should be something beyond her normal responsibilities of just maintaining a clean living space, etc.) If she can't keep up her end up the agreement than she needs to find a new living arrangement. If she doesn't want to sign the agreement, again she's more than welcome to find somewhere else to live (where she will more than likely realize very quickly she had a pretty sweet deal at mom and dad's as compared to the real world).

    My husbands parents did this as soon as Dh turned 18 and graduated high school. Part of their agreement even included a curfew. He didn't like it and didn't think it was fair so he moved out. He was fine on his own because he was working full time and what not but it did give him a new appreciation for his parents and helped him take more pride in things. It's easy to be a slob when it's your parents house, it's a different story when it's stuff you had to buy and maintain with your own hard earned money.
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