Top three values for LO

virginiaunicorn11

what are the top three values you hope to instill in your child?

How do you plan on teaching them to your child?

Bonus question for STM+ moms: what wisdom on this topic do you have to share? Any massive successes or failures in instilling your values in your kids?

(Disclaimer: maybe some of your responses aren't appropriate for infants. That's ok. I'm looking at the long game here.)

virginiaunicorn11

Ok, this is harder than I thought - I have way more than three!

1) Adaptable: DH and I are travelers and LO will spend the first few years in different countries, due to my job. Through this process, we will teach LO to try new things, roll with the punches, and find comfort in many broad situations. DH needs routine to be comfortable but has learned how to make that work for him (bedtime stays same but pillow can change, etc). We will apply that to LO to balance needs with adventure.

2) Responsible/competent: We will focus on education and hold our child accountable for his/her actions. We will not be interventionist parents who get mad at the teacher if our kid gets a bad grade. Child will have age-appropriate responsibilities with age-appropriate rewards and consequences. I am not the Tiger Mom this sounds like, but I will NOT have an entitled brat!

3) Family-oriented: Both DH and I are very close to all sides of our and each other's families, despite physical distance. We will make our home a place of unconditional love and comfort, and respect LO as a human and an individual from day 1. S/he will be welcomed with so much love, s/he will never know any different than to be supported and part of a strong, loving family.

karaelaine1991

1) Treat others with kindness/avoid judgment - by this I mean, just because someone's lifestyle is different than one's own didn't mean it's invalid or wrong. I'm Catholic and there are things I love about my church but there are certain topics (you all know which ones) that a lot of people in my church get caught up on and can be super judgmental about. DH and I are both firmly in the "if you're a good person, that's what matters" camp and I want to instill that in our future children. I want our kids to treat people from all walks of life with kindness.

2) Family over all else - family is family and no matter what we support each other. My side of the family is incredibly close and it's not hard at all for us to live and model this value. My husband's is a little more complicated - they fight all the time. But at the end of the day, if someone needs something, we drop everything to help. This was put to the test about a month ago and I was really pleasantly surprised to see his family come together when someone was in need. I want our future children to be the same way.

3) Do something meaningful with your life - not sure if this is a value or not, but I want my future kids to be driven to do something meaningful with their lives, whether it's pursuing an education, volunteering, traveling the world, or some combination of a bunch of different things. Bottom line, basically I just don't want them to be people who just go through the motions of life waiting for something to happen to them, I want them to find their passion and pursue it, even if it's scary/risky.

ETA also self-sufficiency/independence, good manners, good work ethic... It's hard to narrow it down to just three!

KaLikeAWind

Ooh, good thread topic. And yes, hard to narrow down to just 3, so I'll go with the 3 that came to mind first

1) Wonder / curiosity. How and why does that work? Or the 'omg that's amazing!' feeling when you learn something, like how plants get energy from the sun. Most children have this, but tend to lose it as they grow older. I hope to keep it alive into adulthood, as the world and all of the beings in it (including humans) are truly amazing

2) Responsibility for oneself. I also don't want an entitled brat. If you want things, you have to earn them, just like mom and dad do. You're responsible for your situation. Mad that mom won't let you go play with friends and I'm just 'so mean!'? Well, you made a huge mess and haven't yet cleaned it up, so your friends can wait until you have done so. Mom isn't the one responsible for this mess, you are. Don't like the situation you find yourself in? Actively work to change it for the better, don't expect life or other people to bend to your whims

3) Compassion and understanding. We are all different. But also, the same. I'm honestly having trouble putting this into words as its just a series of demonstrations in my mind - the reaching out and a gentle touch to let someone know you are there and hurt with them while they are crying. Helping the lady whose produce spilled out the back of her truck because you know if all our stuff spilled out of your truck, you would want it all back and be grateful for help. Helping someone up when they slip on ice and fall. All of the little things that you know would make you sad, or embarrassed, or wish someone would help you... Help other people with those things.

laurendutch

Great thread!

Honesty: this also includes living true to yourself.

Empathy: placing yourself in another shoes and being compassionate. We come from different walk of life and because someone may be different or live there live differently that is okay. I feel like this also is respect for others.

Be a "sheepdog": I've always felt this way but recently saw American a Sniper and there was a part in the movie that said it perfectly. There's the sheep (victim/underdog) and the wolf (the bully) and the sheepdog. The sheepdog will stand up and defend the sheep even if the wolf is bigger. I want my boys to stick up for others, especially to each other. They are so lucky to have a twin and friend on life's little journey. A month or so ago they were playing at a friends house and the friend and one of my sons ganged up on my other son...I have never been so livid. We had to have a couple conversations regarding this and how your brother is family and you always stand up for family.

balderasmama

I really like what I see so far! Great job mamas! This is #4 so I have made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot so far. I am very happy to see that everyone has responsibility listed. Seeing many of my childrens friends and speaking with their teachers, this is something that is not as common as it used to be. I will add a few lessons I wish I would have known the first time around.

1. Don't put too much pressure on yourself or your child to be perfect. - I am a type A first born perfectionist. I didn't think I could let anything go when disciplining, speaking with or parenting my son. He now has these same qualities which is hard for me to see and we are working together to be happy with doing our best and letting perfection go. There is no such thing as a perfect mom. Love your children, do your best, and don't stress yourself out trying to be perfect.
2. Follow your mama instincts. - My son would only sleep with me no matter what I tried. I was so worried because everyone told me I shouldn't, that he would never leave my bed and he was controlling me. I actually would have enjoyed it if I didn't care what other people thought. Do what works best for your family, don't worry about what anyone else says. This is in regards to everything: breastfeeding, discipline, sleeping, medical decisions, etc.
3. Responsibility- just like y'all said, it is very important. Start teaching it at a young age. Make helping around the house fun and normal and they will never fight you on it (or at least fight you less). Make them responsible for their actions with consequences that are associated with the action (throwing toys means you don't get to use toys right now, hurting friends means you don't get to be around friends right now, etc.). Don't bail them out of lessons they need to learn. This is hard to do, but is easier then watching them fail as adults.
4. Teach and model kindness to all people. - This is something I have noticed to not be as common anymore also. "Treat others how you want to be treated." This, to me, will get you further then the best education, most money or anything else. Kindness is a dying character trait, and teaching your child this can help change the world (as corny as that sounds).

Above all mamas, follow your heart and love your child. If you do these things you are doing it right.

ElRuby

Tolerance, flexibility, and assertiveness.

lovethatcolosun

1) Kindness/compassion for others. In the cynical world we live in I think this is very important. It breaks my heart to see how bullying has evolved.
2) Living in Integrity. Keeping your word, responsibility for ones actions and owning the consequences, speaking/living your truth, honesty, and making things right if you've strayed from all of the above.
3) Don't be afraid to make mistakes/fail/ give the wrong answer. I struggled with perfectionism for a long time. I cared too much about what others thought of me that I focused on the mistake instead of the lesson learned from the mistake. Some of the biggest lessons learned in life are from failures. It shouldn't be embarrassing. It should be humbling and insightful.

So far with DS we are doing quite well with our values. He's kind, considerate, honest, and overall happy. There's been bumps in the road, as there always will be. We just do our best to lead by example. Children are like sponges, they model their behavior after your own. It makes me hyper aware of how I react to things, speak to him, and live my life.

MrsCaliRN

What an awesome topic!

Put God First- This one is going to be fostered the most by putting LO in church from infancy and having them be involved in youth groups both at their church and in the community. I was brought up in a Christian family and I hope my DH and I can continue that for our LOs.

Be involved in/Give back to your community- Through community service and volunteering, and later by joining the workforce, paying taxes and doing their part. I hope to instill that by example. I have always participated in community service since I was young, and that has not stopped even ask I got older and busier. I hope that my LO will see that quality in me when he joins me from a young age to get involved, and later takes the initiative to give back on his own.

Have integrity- This to me just means being honest and doing what you say you're going to do, whether someone's watching or not, or if you get credit for it or not. I hope to instill this in my future LOs by doing it myself and rewarding them for independent acts of integrity. For example: if I notice my LO hit another child and I ask him if he did it and he owns up to it, I will point that out and show my admiration for owning up to his mistakes. I see so many kids who just lie ALL THE TIME and they don't really get reprimanded for it.

bbnmama2012

Mine aren't very specific, but I feel like all important lessons in life can be wrapped up in these three: love God, love people, love yourself. I hope to teach my little one to do all three.

aj1327

1) Responsibility-I'm a teacher and see way too many students who cannot take responsibility for their actions, and are constantly blaming others. I do not want to "save" my little one constantly. He needs to learn that when you don't make a good choice, there will be consequences. Accept them and move on.

2) Security-I want my son to feel secure with himself and confident in who he is. I don't want him to fear making mistakes or disappointing others constantly. I just want him to be happy with whatever his strengths may be.

3) Compassion-I want him to be kind, compassionate, and accepting towards others.

There are a ton of things I could've listed here!

esampson1983

These are all so good! Here are mine:

1) Be curious- don't be afraid to ask questions. I was in a training last summer and they talked about how students enter the school system as question marks and exclamation points but leave school as periods. I don't want Minion to ever stop asking questions. Knowledge is power :-)

2) Be accepting others- appreciate differences and differing view points. Realize that we all come from different walks of life and learn from others that are different from you even if you don't share the same view point.

3) Don't be afraid to fail- this was always so hard for me growing up and still is today. But we can't be afraid of failure. Failure is a necessary part of life that can be an invaluable learning experience. And fear of failure will only hold us back. It's better to try something new and fail than to try nothing at all.