Is this normal?

2-Step

I am new to this school-aged-kid thing, so let me know if I am just out of touch. Since the beginning of kindergarten we have had ongoing problems with big kids tripping all the kindergarteners in the hallways, my son has been bullied by another student to the point where I actually had to go express concerns to the principal and his teacher (mostly name calling, but some serious threats), there was a lockdown because of a search for a suspected felon in the area and then the following week the bus was delayed 30 minutes because of a scare that a child had a knife on the bus. We live in a rural area, near a small town that is middle class with well rated schools. Granted, our school is in the most rural area of the district so there is a wider mix of families and kids at this school than others.

I'm moving him to another elementary in the district next year because my mom works there and it has a great reputation. My question is just, is this normal stuff that just happens in schools regularly now? I don't remember any of this type of stuff when I was in school, certainly not in kindergarten! I was one of those moms that was like - "My kid is going to ride the bus because I'm not going to baby him! I'm not driving him to a school across the district just because my mom is there!. . . . . but now I'm starting to sing a different tune.

None of my friends have kids in school yet and they all seem shocked when I talk to them about these things.

neverblushed

Some of what you are noticing is pretty normal.  I also live in a rural/suburban area, which is to say that I live on a rural two lane road, but we're on the outskirts of a well-developed suburban neighborhood.

It's pretty normal for schools to have occasional lockdown drills and also actual alerts.  Something like a rumor of a kid having a knife on the bus would be taken very seriously, even if the kid wasn't threatening anyone.  And stuff like this happens even in "nice" school districts, because kids are inexperienced and they make mistakes.  

What is of more concern to me is the possibility that older kids are bullying kindergarten kids and no one on the faculty is noticing or really intervening.  In my mind, this type of harassment and name calling is more problematic than a kid showing off a knife on the bus.  However, kindergarten kids are not always the best at reporting stuff like this accurately.  For instance, kids that age can say "big kids trip kindergartners in the hall."  As a parent you would interpret this as a consistent pattern of bullying.  But it may be that the kindergartner saw one incident and is just dwelling on it.  I'd also continue to talk to your son about this issue without directly asking him questions so that you can get a more complete picture of what's going on.  Sometimes kids will answer what they THINK you want to hear around this topic.  Because of this, you want to work carefully up the chain of command, as you have done. 

Does your school have an anti-bullying program?  What's involved?  I would watch this situation like a hawk for the rest of the year.  

Designermomma

We do not live in a rural area and DS is in Kindergarten at public school. Nothing like this has happened so far at his school. They have a strong anti-bullying program and they keep the grades separate. Kinder-1st gets dropped off at school into the cafeteria and sit with their class until the teacher walks them to class at the appropriate time. The kinder classrooms have their own bathroom so there really isn't an opportunity for them to be picked on. There have been a few incidents in his class that someone scratched him or pushed him in line (kinder on kinder) but I received a phone call from the teacher and told the offender was reprimanded in front of the whole class and notes and phone calls were sent to their parents as well. That makes me feel secure. DS came home once saying that a girl threw a board at him in class. I emailed the teacher to ask about it and she explained that the girl had a temper tantrum and threw a board in the air and it barely hit my child and was not intentional and he recovered quickly. She apologized for not informing me about it. Maybe send a note or talk to the teacher about your concerns and maybe they can be on the look out for this or explain the situation. If not, by all means do what is necessary to go to the best school you can.

2-Step

neverblushed said:

Some of what you are noticing is pretty normal.  I also live in a rural/suburban area, which is to say that I live on a rural two lane road, but we're on the outskirts of a well-developed suburban neighborhood.

It's pretty normal for schools to have occasional lockdown drills and also actual alerts.  Something like a rumor of a kid having a knife on the bus would be taken very seriously, even if the kid wasn't threatening anyone.  And stuff like this happens even in "nice" school districts, because kids are inexperienced and they make mistakes.  

What is of more concern to me is the possibility that older kids are bullying kindergarten kids and no one on the faculty is noticing or really intervening.  In my mind, this type of harassment and name calling is more problematic than a kid showing off a knife on the bus.  However, kindergarten kids are not always the best at reporting stuff like this accurately.  For instance, kids that age can say "big kids trip kindergartners in the hall."  As a parent you would interpret this as a consistent pattern of bullying.  But it may be that the kindergartner saw one incident and is just dwelling on it.  I'd also continue to talk to your son about this issue without directly asking him questions so that you can get a more complete picture of what's going on.  Sometimes kids will answer what they THINK you want to hear around this topic.  Because of this, you want to work carefully up the chain of command, as you have done. 

Does your school have an anti-bullying program?  What's involved?  I would watch this situation like a hawk for the rest of the year.  

They do have an anti-bullying assembly at the beginning of the year, but I don't see a real "program" in place. The resolution has been slow and mostly just having him report if/when it is happening and they keep telling him not to play around that child. The problem is that child plays with my DSs friends and now he feels like he can't play with any of them because the teacher and principal have both told him to stay away and remind him to leave the area whenever he is near the bully, so now he has no friends. They act like he should simply make new ones, but it's not that simple because his good friends are in that group and he tells me he just wants to play with them. He just feels left out. It makes me mad that he is the one being isolated by this and reminded constantly to stay away. I feel like that is their solution rather than supervising better so they can intervene. I was told that other children are now being bullied in his place so nothing has actually been resolved. We are headed elsewhere next year. I just have a feeling that its not going to be resolved easily and we have a better option so I'm taking it.

2-Step

Oh and the tripping seemed to be a more isolated incident, but the bullying has gone on consistently for months and we tried giving him tools and ideas to help before it escalated to physical threats, which is when I intervened.

neverblushed

Hm... That's a bummer.  I agree it sounds like the school is paying lip service to the idea of bullying prevention, but that they don't have a real program in place to deal with the bully.

It would be nice if some of your DS's other friends would be willing to break away from the bully and join your son in playing something else.  Can you help facilitate this by having some of these other friends over for a playdate?  I would do this one-on-one instead of having the whole group minus the bully.  It sounds like your son needs to shore up the friendship with the other kids so that when recess starts at least one kid in the middle chooses to hang out with your son.

Maybe you can strike up a conversation with the other parents whose kids are friendly with the bully.  Other parents may want to encourage their kids to find someone else to play with as well.  

ETA: Also, what's going on with the bullying kid?  Is he just a mean kid in general?  Or does he really go out of his way to target your child.  If he's just a sort of mean kid who doesn't know boundaries or have good social skills, then you do want to encourage your child to break away and help him pull other boys with him.  If the other kid is really picking on your child more than others, I would work with the teacher on it and keep pushing.  That type of targeted bullying where one kid relentlessly picks on the same kid is unusual in grades K and 1 though.  This could explain why the school is just telling your child to keep away. 

2-Step

The child that is the bully is the child of a teacher at the school, which makes everything more complex. At first it was 100% my kid he was treating that way, but the teacher has told me that now that my son has pulled away, he has started picking on others in his place, which actually made me feel better in a weird way because now my DS is seeing that it isn't just about him being disliked. I've tried to help him get the other kids to break away, but it's hard to tell exactly what is going on with kindergarteners and I'm not sure they even understand the social dynamics most of the time. A playdate is a good idea, maybe I will try that. He had a ton of close friends in preschool, but they all went to various schools and this was the only kid that came to his school. He is shy so it takes him awhile to warm up. Thank you for the advice, it helps!