Randoms

Guennie

So I am on CD10 and right about now is when I start to get anxious about whether anything will happen in our window. I'm usually about 28-29 days but I get the occasional 25-27 day cycle here and there so I just never know. I want to go get an OPK so bad. I know it's the missing link that could help me since I can have more than one temp shift. But it would be deceptive if I were actively trying that hard so I just can't in good conscience do it.

It's very confusing that my h said he definitely didn't want to try again and now he isn't being careful. There is no confusion about the risk since I'm not back on birth control yet. I just don't know what he's thinking, and I'm afraid to ask because then he might go back to being careful. That's really messed up isn't it?

I feel guilty even writing any of this because you guys have two partners actively trying and I'm sitting here hoping by myself wondering how my h will take it if it happens. Wondering if it did if it would just end with another loss because maybe it's just not meant to be. Wanting to believe that since he isn't being careful it must mean there is a big part of him open to the possibility. Fearing he is just not thinking or he doesn't think it's a real risk right now.

I just had to get that out. It's in my head rolling around and I can't make the pieces fit. I wish it were easier taking the "whatever is meant to happen" approach.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

hooligans4

I totally understand your feelings.
I went through the exact same thing a few months after my first loss. My husband wanted to stop trying but I asked him for a little more time because. He said he was fine with giving it three more months. Well that was two years ago. At the time I'm sure he didn't want to try anymore because the pain of the loss was so great. But as time went on he either forgot or just didn't care if we kept trying.
He knows I will never go on birth control so he would have to get snipped to end our ttc.
I know he ok with us having another baby because he has made comments about it being so hard for us and why can't it be easy.
I think it's fear that makes our men not want to admit out loud that they want to keep trying. My first loss was not easy on me and I think he doesn't ever want to watch me go through that again.
At this point we both just think it will never happen so there is no reason to prevent. But I still hold into hope that it will.
Your husband is a big boy he can make his own decisions. You are not being deceitful. He knows you are not on birth control and that you want another baby.
If he truly was against it he would use condoms.
Go get some opk's if you want to.

Guennie

Thanks hooligans. I appreciate the support. My h can't perform with condoms so that's never been an option for us. He has always used withdrawal when he wanted to be careful, which of course isn't a hundred percent reliable either.

I'm sorry for your sake that you understand how I'm feeling. I wish you could have more faith in the possibility of it happening for you. I sure hope it will. I had lost faith as well but couldn't let go of the hope, and then it finally happened. I don't think I'm going to get the same happy ending this time. I'm trying to prepare myself for that outcome and get to a place where I know I can be ok with no sibling for my daughter.

FLY106

Guennie said:

So I am on CD10 and right about now is when I start to get anxious about whether anything will happen in our window. I'm usually about 28-29 days but I get the occasional 25-27 day cycle here and there so I just never know. I want to go get an OPK so bad. I know it's the missing link that could help me since I can have more than one temp shift. But it would be deceptive if I were actively trying that hard so I just can't in good conscience do it.

It's very confusing that my h said he definitely didn't want to try again and now he isn't being careful. There is no confusion about the risk since I'm not back on birth control yet. I just don't know what he's thinking, and I'm afraid to ask because then he might go back to being careful. That's really messed up isn't it?

I feel guilty even writing any of this because you guys have two partners actively trying and I'm sitting here hoping by myself wondering how my h will take it if it happens. Wondering if it did if it would just end with another loss because maybe it's just not meant to be. Wanting to believe that since he isn't being careful it must mean there is a big part of him open to the possibility. Fearing he is just not thinking or he doesn't think it's a real risk right now.

I just had to get that out. It's in my head rolling around and I can't make the pieces fit. I wish it were easier taking the "whatever is meant to happen" approach.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

I'm so sorry @Guennie l!!!  This journey is hard enough as it is and I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you to not know how to go about it. 

Like @hooligans4 said, ur DH might be just using that as a defense mechanism. Men deal with stuff a lot differently than us and maybe he figures that if he believes he's not trying then he won't set himself up for disappointment if it doesn't happen. 

I don't think that doing everything possible to achieve what u want is deceitful at all. He knows you want another baby and is not being careful. So unless he point blank says: "I don't want YOU to keep trying" then I say do what your heart tells u to do to achieve ur goal.

I truly hope things get sorted out with u and ur DH. You are in my thoughts!!!

OldNell

I'm sorry that you are struggling with this alone. My husband has been checked out of the process at different times for different reasons and it is hard to go through the ups and downs of every attempt without being able to share. It must be so much more difficult for you in this case where you feel like you are restricted in your ability to be proactive while you are hoping for a pregnancy. I hope you two are able to talk about this at some point and that you get his support - or at least the go-ahead to take charge of things on your end without feeling guilty or worried.

Guennie

Thanks you guys. I just have such a short window of opportunity since I am supposed to go back on birth control after my appointment the end of May. That gives me two more cycles after this one to hope. He said after our loss that he did not want to go through any more painful situations and he could say with a clear heart he did not want another child. But he was only careful the first two times and since then he hasn't been. It's like everything just went back to normal. And as far as I can tell he's not avoiding sex either, he's actually been the one to initiate most of the time. So my conclusion is that he either doesn't think it will happen or he decided he's ok with it if it does. Or he simply isn't thinking at all, in which case, wth...am I supposed to be somehow avoiding it all on my own? Right now at least there's a chance but if I talk to him about it he might start being careful again or even avoiding, so I feel stuck in this limbo. No matter how I look at it I can't get past feeling the OPK would be deceitful on my part since the only conversation we had he said he didn't want to try and I said I would respect his feelings. It's one thing to hope for it...putting a lot of effort into trying to make it happen without his knowledge is different. I don't know. Maybe I'll think about it some more. Ugh.

emsmama15

@Guennie, I'm sorry you're in this limbo situation.  I totally get where you're coming from.  I hope you can work this out.  <hugs>

gfgrump

I get it too. We don't have this issue on TTC bc we both want it right now, but we have it on other things. Like we'll agree we're going to deal with an issue, or not do something, and then we just fall back into old patterns. And it's easier to live in the denial stage than to actually deal with something head on, so I just ignore it. Am I making any sense? Sorry, I don't have an answer, i just get the whole, 'we're not trying', but then in practice doing something else. To be honest, my doctor was like, none of that matters. OPKs, temping, etc. He was like, just try to have sex a few times in the week before you ovulate. And I can say I've spent 9 months meticulously tracking and trying to narrow down my fertile window and it hasn't worked yet. So, if it makes you feel any better, it's probably just as likely you'll get pregnant without the OPK as with it. Maybe that's just my defeatist attitude lately, but perhaps it can make you feel more calm about the situation.

Davie813

No advice, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you're in this situation.  I agree with @Hooligans4 that your husband is a grownup and knows the "risks," but since you seem so uncomfortable, and are so worried about the possibility of being deceitful, more direct communication with him can only be a good thing.  Big hugs.

jilligan14

The first time I got pregnant, we only had sex once that entire cycle (due to travel). I wasn't temping or doing OPKs and my cycles were irregular so I wasn't even thinking about ovulation. In fact, we'd even talked about maybe putting TTC on hold the month before hand. I was so surprised it happened without me even *trying* so have faith that things can just happen. And perhaps if they do, your H will feel differently. Good luck!

Guennie

Update:

Back to feeling pretty down. After a few good talks with friends I realized I needed to make sure I let my h know when I thought it might be a risky time, otherwise I would feel like I was trying to get pregnant behind his back. I wanted to make sure he had a choice. Much to my surprise he initiated again yesterday morning and so I said something. He was careful for the first time in over a month. I guess I have my answer, he expected me to be keeping track.

I still haven't had a temp shift so I don't think I have a chance this cycle. My hopes have been crushed, especially since I know he will be careful now even if we dtd again before I O. I fought back tears all day yesterday trying to deal with this feeling of defeat. I can't make him want to try again and I can't be deceptive if I think it might be a good time. It's just not the right thing to do.

So I guess this leaves me nowhere. I wanted so badly to think he was open to it happening but now it's obvious he isn't.

emsmama15

I'm sorry @Guennie.  I think you did the right thing, even if the result wasn't what you were hoping for.  I'm still rooting for you...

kindershlitz

I'm sorry @Guennie. I agree you did the right thing. DH and I are going through different ideas of what path to take as well. It's a horrible feeling.

OldNell

I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you were hoping for. For what it is worth, I also think you did the right thing for your marriage. Does he know that this is such a difficult and painful moment for you?

Davie813

Add me to the "did the right thing" camp.  I'm so sorry you're not in agreement, though, and really hope you can talk it out and find a way forward that works for both of you.

FLY106

I'm sorry @Guennie. You're in my prayers.