Moms who have been there before!!

BabyBean54

I'm currently 27 weeks with my first baby and the father (my ex) and I are having a very hard time communicating, we are seeking help in the form of a therapist but the bottom line is we will not get back together. We just want to be able to be civil and co parent as best as possible. However, he is having a hard time letting go of his resentment and disappointment in me for keeping our daughter.
My question is, should we establish custody prior to her birth? Should I have a lawyer on the back burner should this get ugly?
He is not financially stable, hasn't offered a dime for anything, doesn't plan to have her at his house ever (thank God!) and hasn't purchased one baby item. He is also not a US Citizen, has a "wife" whom he married for a green card, gets paid under the table for his main source of income, runs drugs for extra money and doesn't have health insurance. I have a stable career, make well over six figures, have a home, the support of my family who is local and a safe and reliable vehicle. Even with all of this differences I get scared to go to court for fear of a judge giving him ANY kind of custody. I want full and sole custody with him only having visitation rights. I don't even want child support. Don't need it, don't want that from him. I am in the state of California if that makes a difference.
Thoughts? Experiences? Advice?

Thanks in advance! This has been really overwhelming and I just want to focus on my happy and healthy pregnancy!

jennaleigh23

I'm going through something somewhat similar although fortunately for you it sounds like the father doesn't want to be involved whereas mine is threatening me for full custody even though he knows nothing about children and has not done a single thing for me or this baby throughout this pregnancy.  

The only advice I have, is to consult a lawyer and find out if keeping him off the birth certificate would give you full legal custody unless he petitions the court for visitation (which from the sounds of it, doesn't sound like he'd bother) Thats my current plan of action anyways. 

20thirteen

BabyBean54 said:

... we are seeking help in the form of a therapist but the bottom line is we will not get back together. We just want to be able to be civil and co parent as best as possible.

First off: awesome. Good start.  It's great that the two of you want to be civil and figure out how to co-parent to make sure the environment your LO is in is always comfortable. High five!

BabyBean54 said:

However, he is having a hard time letting go of his resentment and disappointment in me for keeping our daughter.
My question is, should we establish custody prior to her birth? Should I have a lawyer on the back burner should this get ugly? 

Always, yes, to both questions.  But don't tell him you are looking for a lawyer or have talked to a lawyer, because it might get uglier because, at this point in time, he's still holding onto resentment and the only thing to make him more resentful of you is for you to be like "yo, I got a lawyer in case you decide to be an ultra dickhead douche."  If you start the process of custody arrangement now, without a lawyer, get it in writing and both of you sign that document! Also, have a 3rd party witness.  Just to cover both of your asses.  I never ever sign anything without a 3rd party present.

BabyBean54 said:

He is not financially stable, hasn't offered a dime for anything, doesn't plan to have her at his house ever (thank God!) and hasn't purchased one baby item. He is also not a US Citizen, has a "wife" whom he married for a green card, gets paid under the table for his main source of income, runs drugs for extra money and doesn't have health insurance. I have a stable career, make well over six figures, have a home, the support of my family who is local and a safe and reliable vehicle. Even with all of this differences I get scared to go to court for fear of a judge giving him ANY kind of custody. I want full and sole custody with him only having visitation rights. I don't even want child support. Don't need it, don't want that from him. I am in the state of California if that makes a difference.

Here, though, you will have to see what the laws are regarding child support and paternity and stuff.  Each state is different.  I think in some states if he acknowledges that he's the father, that will start the process of child support if the two of you are not together, regardless of whether or not you want it. If you don't want child support, I would see if you could leave him off the birth certificate to avoid that.  Also, please note, that while he may have no interest in this child at this juncture, that could change down the road.  Women are more attached to their children while we're pregnant because of all the stuff our bodies are going through up until birth.  Men don't really start getting attached to their children until after the children are born.  So his stance on your LO might change.  Just a heads up.  Not all men do, and I wouldn't bank on it in your case, but there is that possibility.  This is a question that if you start looking for a lawyer that you should ask. Also, ask about a written document for the custody arrangement and how to make it as ironclad (and fair for the both of you) as possible.  If he takes you to court to say that you weren't fair, you can prove that you were.  Just saying.  

Also, high five just because I also chose not to pursue child support.  I am one of few people on this board (well, at least in the past, not sure about these days) that chose not to pursue child support.  My BD, last I heard, was couch surfing, working under the table at a grow shop getting paid in either cash or drugs, and was also selling drugs as a means of financial support. I have a full time job and have been able to support DD and myself without his help.

BabyBean54

Thank you SO much @20thirteen you have helped me so much!!! Thank you for the support, and good on you for taking care of your daughter independently of him!!! That is truly inspiring...now I'm on to look up lawyers!

20thirteen

Glad I could be of help.  You got this, mama.  

BabyBean54

@20thirteen I hope you don't mind but I figured you might have some advice for me. I found out in yesterday's therapy session that BD wants a DNA test because he has 1% doubt he is the father. I told him that by doing that our daughter will have my last name, he will not be on the birth certificate and in the state of CA he gives me 100% rights as an unwed mother. He hadn't done his "research" and didn't realize this but he agreed because ultimately he wants no doubt he's the father.
The second thing he said to me was "did I trap him"? Because I was so good about my contraception he just couldn't believe I got pregnant.
So the long and short of it, he doesn't believe it's his but in the next breath I purposefully chose to trap HIM?
I guess I just don't know what my next step is...I don't even know if I want to continue therapy and parenting classes with him nor if I want him there for her birth.
I'm back to feeling lost and back at square one.

20thirteen

1% doubt?  LOL, that sounds like a load of bullshit. Sorry. Anyway...:

So, in CA, if you go through with the paternity test, that doesn't start the process of CS?  It just proves that he's the father 100% and that's that? It won't affect how you two deal with the birth certificate (Just double checking, since I hate being murky on advice?  Was the plan to always have your last name for DD?  Or was there discussion about that? When you say he "didn't do his 'research'", you mean, he hasn't done any or that he did a quick google, found a vague legal description and was like "Oh, that. OK. Whatever."?  I feel like this dude really does not give a shit about anything...

If he agrees to those terms, I would say get that document in writing and have you both sign (and maybe your therapist too?) the agreement.  And make a copy for yourself and for him.  Have you found/spoken to a lawyer yet?  If you obtain a lawyer, I would then give your lawyer a copy of that agreement, as well.  Have you guys discussed how you'd handle visits and stuff?

As for the "trap him" thing... A lot of guys who try real hard to wiggle out of responsibility do their best to push the blame on others.  I was super ultra fanatic about BC until BD and I broke up.  We got back together and before I started BC again, I got pregnant.  He tried to sell the "you trapped me!" thing but I was never out to spend the rest of my life with him, I never pictured him as my forever. I actually figured that after we made a plan on what to do, we'd break off and go our merry little ways. Tangent, sorry, anyway, BC is not 100% effective.  The only 100% effective birth control method is abstinence.  So, let's say you were on the pill, what's that, like 98% effective?  There's that 2% chance that it'll fail, regardless of how fanatic you are!  Also, in that 2% chance, there's no way that you could get pregnant on your own.  You'd need a little help for that, right?  So, there's a 2% chance that when he decided "I'm going to do the sex and the thing" that he would still create a baby. And then he did.  And now he wants to blame you because he doesn't understand risk assessment.  All he was knew was "This goes there and weeeeeee!" (which, isn't that pretty much what goes through the minds of guys instead of "hmm... is there a chance of a baby?").  Also, was he wearing a condom or was he one of those dudes who says stuff like "but if you're on the pill, why would I need one?" because that puts more blame on him than on you.  With condom and BC together (if I did my math right), the chance of getting pregnant would be down to .98% (still not 100%!).  Don't let him blame you when it takes two to make a baby.  

If he is stressing you out this much with the way he's acting, I'd take a powder from doing things with him.  Maybe push him to go to parenting classes on his own or suggest he goes to counseling on his own to deal with his issues (though, from the sound of it, he wouldn't get off his ass to go unless pushed).  The stress could affect your pregnancy/DD and that could lead to problems down the road for her.  I would tell him something along the lines of:

"[BD], I'm glad you want to be a part of her life.  However, I'm having trouble dealing with your blaming me for our situation when you are involved in the making of this child, I could not have gotten pregnant on my own.  I have no need to "trap" anyone, especially not someone who isn't financially stable or sells drugs as a means to get by.  There is a lot about our current situation that is stressing me out and that isn't healthy for me or the baby.  It's making me question whether or not to include you in her birth.  I think, right now, we should start doing things separately.  I think that maybe until I'm 35 (36 or 37) weeks along, I'd like to be separate from you so that I can figure out what to do when it comes time for her arrival.  Again, I'm glad you want to be a part of her life, but I also have to think about me during this time, and right now, you're stressing me out.  I should not be blamed for this, it takes two to tango.  I'm sick of being resented because I chose to go through with the pregnancy.  I want us to be civil but I can't be if you're blaming me and being disrespectful to me because you didn't want to have a child."

I had to stop myself because the feminist in me was really starting to take over.  So maybe use that as a jumping off point.  But I really do think that maybe some time apart from him will maybe give you more clarity on what to do in the future when you deal with him.

20thirteen

@babybean54  have you talked to him?

BabyBean54

Hi! @20thirteen yes so much has happened since I've been on! I have a lawyer who is amazing. She's helped me a lot with everything. He and I have talked but only for me to ask him to respect my wishes to leave me alone so I can have a happy end of pregnancy. Of course he says he never doubted the baby was his and he just said that out of anger and now he thinks he wants to be at the delivery. I've let go of him and he is not part of my birthplan. I've hired a doula and have been doing hypnobirthing classes with her, my mom who will be in the room and another friend of mine. It pisses me off that he wants to come in at the end and "be there", when he hasn't been there this whole time.
I haven't replied to his request to be present yet. I just don't think I want his energy to ruin my delivery experience. On the other hand, the moral side of me says who am I to deny him being there when his daughter is born?
I'm torn on it but not letting it eat me up. I've had such a positive past few weeks without him in it and I want to stay this way through the end.
Thank you for your words and support. You seem like a strong woman who has been through more than enough. Happy Mothers Day to you!!!

20thirteen

@babybean54 I know the moral side will be loud.  It was for me, too.  But the birth of the baby is a very intimate thing, and who you choose to share it with is really your choice.  

Just as a little background on myself:

BD and I dated for 3 years, split for about 6 months, and started dating again.  I found out I was pregnant in mid-November (roughly 6 weeks or so, I found out really early) and in December, BD started dating a girl behind my back. Even though he knew I was pregnant.  They were not using condoms, and she had slept with a bunch of his dirty friends (to make him jealous because he wouldn't date her or something) all the while still having sex with me even though if he got infected, I could get infected and therefore something could have happened to the baby.  When he confessed, he was drunk and it was Christmas.  He left his parent's house after telling me he needed to be alone, that he was going to our apartment but wanted to be alone.  So I went to a friend's house.  His other girlfriend insisted he tell me and so they called me.  Both of them.  Because he couldn't say the words to break up with me, she did.  And then she wished me a Merry Christmas.  Thoughtful, right? I moved back in with my dad and I didn't hear from him until that girl almost killed him while driving drunk (3 days before I gave birth). From Christmas up until that point, I had no intention of giving him updates, nor did I wonder if I should allow him to be at the hospital, I definitely planned on not letting him be a part of DD's life.  While I knew a near-death experience would not change him in the way he needed to change, I decided to allow him to be a part of her life (on my terms).  He was still not allowed at the hospital, which I do not regret, not at all for one second do not regret not having him there.  But part of me was flip-flopping on whether or not I should let him be there.  This was his daughter, after all.  But I knew things wouldn't be good if he was there.  My whole family hated him, they were all there.  There'd be a lot of tension because he's not one to just sit there and listen to what people have to say about him, and my family had a lot to say.  In the end, he saw DD 3 times and I have not heard from him since her 1st birthday.  Luckily, I have a BF who has more than picked up the slack that BD left behind.  And sometimes I think that's why BD disappeared.

However, your BD has been there for some/most of your pregnancy and I can tell he was not a good support system for you.  I'm glad to hear that you took the steps to have a happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy!  If you choose to let him come to the hospital, you should tell him that if he wants to "be there", he can be in the waiting room.  Otherwise, he can suck it up and wait for the phone call that his daughter was born.  Either way, it's your decision.  The baby is coming out of YOUR body and the hospital staff are there for YOU.  The staff are there to make this experience as comfortable for YOU as they can make possible.  This is all about YOU.  If he is going to be there, you need to make it clear that YOUR needs are before his.  In every possible way.

20thirteen

Oh, you said doula, are you planning a hospital birth or birthing center?  Either way, the staff are there for YOU, not him.

Also, thank you and I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day! Even though the baby isn't here yet, I hope you celebrated!