MIL issue, how do I deal?

mooncusp22

First, DHs family only consists of his dad, sister & mother (parents divorced since he was a kid). Every single one of them is dysfunctional - per DHs own words. Although he used to be close with his dad, he hasn't spoken to him since last summer. His dad is a selfish liar & would always try to get in between DH & I. It caused a wedge between our marriage for many years until DH finally saw his true colors & finally stepped away himself.

I've been with DH almost 9yrs. I've met his mom twice (we live in diff states). His mom walked out on him when he was like teen. He blamed her for a lot & didn't have a relationship with her. All I've known of this woman was that she was in a mental institution back when he was a kid, has many medical issues, is untrustworthy, etc. DH never cared to have her a part of his life, he strongly debated inviting her to our wedding in 2010. He did & since then they would have occasional phone conversations.

Fast forward to today. Since DH shared that we were having a baby (1st grandchild) she was super excited to be a grandma. She has been good about being invoked in DDs life from afar, sending cards, wanting pictures, sending gifts on special occasions. This has made DH very happy that she is making an effort. She even cane to visit for a long weekend in the Fall (with her husbAnd who is a nice, quiet, meek guy). It was a little akward since I had only met her for 5min at our wedding & DH hadn't spent time like this since he was a kid. They stayed in a nearby hotel.

So, she called the other day & is planning another visit in April. DH invited them to stay at our house this time. He said Thurs night-Mon morning to visit. She wanted to come for a whole week, but DH said that won't work because he has to work etc. I know that he honestly doesn't want them here an entire week- she got insulted saying "your wife doesn't want us there". I wasn't even in the room when they were on the phone. She has a preconceived notion of me because of his dad & sister. His dad has always hated me & called me many names. When he would visit & DH wasn't around he would tell me DH isn't good for me & treats me bad (not true). I would tell DH what happened & his dad called me a vindictive liar. This happebed ALL the time & there were constant battles until DH finally saw the truth. So, needless to say I am on guard. Especially because his mom isn't "normal" as DH describes her as. She is ultra sensitive & DH actually said to me yesterday he will "coach" me on how to talk to her.

I work part time- I have to work 3hrs the fri morning they will be here. I usually being DD with me (I am a fitness instructor so she goes in gym daycare). I asked DH what to do during this time. He said "my mom can watch her at our house". I am NOT comfortable with this. His mom is in a back brace, doesn't have a "quick sense" that you know we as moms need now with how quick our babies move & get into everything. Well, DH was mad that I wouldn't let his mom babysit & was worried about hurting her feelings.

Basically she is his last little hope of having a relative on his side of then family. His family has been complete a-holes to him. But, he keeps saying "they are blood" & gets defensive. We went through turmoil for 8yrs with his dad & it has finally passed (for now). And now his mom pops up out of the word work & tries to be grandma though she has never been mom to DH or certainly not MIL to be. But, according to him we have to tread lightly & not hurt her feelings and he will "coach" me on how to talk to her because she is ultra sensitive & "doesn't take things like a normal person".

I don't want to go down this road again!!! There is already tension between us because we had this whole conversation just a day ago. What do I do or say??

AmberLiz99

Family relationships are so hard sometimes. Is there any way you or DH can take Friday morning off? Plan somewhere to take them and say that you took off to spend time with them.

LolaX2

Ugh man, what a hard place to be in! Family relationships definitely cause a lot of stress. so this will only be the second time that you DD has ever met her, right? I would certainly not be comfortable leaving my LO with her just based on that not even considering the other stuff. I'm with AmberLiz99, is there any way your DH could take the morning off to "entertain"? He is the one that invited them to stay with you (with out discussing it with you first, right?) so he needs to figure this out. I'm sorry but leaving DD to be watched by a stranger (even if it is family) just to not hurt feelings is not good enough for me. 

babayRFL

Oh that's so hard! I agree with others...is there someone that could cover for you at work? Or have your DH take off if possible. Bottom line: if you're uncomfortable leaving her with MIL (which I totally would be, just for the record), don't do it...hurt feelings or not. Maybe wait a few days and try to talk to your DH about it again. Sorry you're having to deal with this!

yellowflower15

So you're not comfortable leaving LO with your MIL and that doesn't seem unreasonable as you've described it. My inlaws are highly dysfunctional as well. In my case, I would use my MIL's health issues as an excuse and I would legitimately worry that my MIL isn't healthy enough to take care of my kids, so I wouldn't feel like I was lying. Can you rely on that since you said she's in a back brace? You could make it like you're doing her a favour since she would obviously need to pick up the baby.

If one of you can take the morning off, then I agree that is a great idea and it wouldn't even to come up.

As for DH, I'm in a similar boat and I know it's touchy. There's not much you can do other than discuss it with him again as respectfully as possible - your feelings about this obviously count too.

mooncusp22

Yes he can & is taking the morning off... But, that is after the fact that he was upset at me for not letting his mom babysit. That's my whole dilemma- we are arguing because he is holding on to any faith that maybe his mom could come back into his life & be a good grandma. Well, after all he's told me how can he get mad at me for not trusting his mom with our DD??

Sporty1216

I'm glad he is at least taking the morning off. The emotional part of it is so hard. Maybe (hopefully) once they are all there spending the morning together he and your MIL will see that physical issues really would have made it too hard for her to watch LO on her own. In the meantime, I'm really sorry about the extra tension between you and DH. I don't have any real advice. Just sympathy. You are totally justified in not wanting your MIL to babysit and I hope that your DH will, eventually, see that. Hang in there!

yellowflower15

I have really similar issues with DH and MIL. She was a negligent mother and now complicates our lives on many levels. DH gets upset with me sometimes when I criticize her too much. I try to remind myself that she's still his mom and I don't know what it's like to have had a mom like that. I also remind him when he gets frustrated with me that my anger with her comes from a place of love for him. It's because I love him so much and I see how she has affected him that I have such trouble accepting his mother or having any sort of a relationship with her. That seems to resonate with him and he realizes how much I love him. I still have to watch what I say, but when this becomes an issue with us, that seems the best way to bring him around. Not sure if that helps at all, but thought I'd just throw it out there.

mooncusp22

Thank you all...and thanks for taking the time to read my long post!! It's been quiet here since the original talk. DH texted me this morning while he was at work (he leaves before I wake) and said to have a better day and we will chat tonight more. He said he is just sick of it and wants it done.

He has had issues with his family his entire life, so I know that things will never be puppies and rainbows. It's like he always holds on to hope... but, really- how can he think that things will be magically normal when they never have been his entire life??!! It's so frustrating. Yes, they are your blood but they have treated him like crap, they all lie to each other then blame each other. It's a toxic circle. They all live near each other and the sister (who is 27, lives with her broke 63 year old husband and goes to each of her parents for money all the time depending on who will talk to her). Thankfully my DH got out after high school and left out of state for a full athletic scholarship to an Ivy League school. Since then he also got his MBA from one of the countries top business schools. (while we were married, we dropped everything as he went full time and I worked full time to support us). He is the odd ball out and now they lean on him for money. His sister has called asking for money, when his mom & her husband came to visit last time they did not so much as treat us to a piece of gum and expected DH to pay for every meal, drink, etc they had (which he did). That is another whole story that annoys me!!!

I come from a very normal (Leave It to Beaver as my husband says) family so he said I will never understand. My parents treat my DH as their own son, he is also very close to my 2 brothers. We all support each other and love each other. When we get together we have so much fun and respect each other. DH has told me that my parents have been more parents to him then his own since we met 9 years ago... he is very close to both my mom and especially my dad. It's just hard because we come from two completly separate worlds. 

yellowflower15

Weird. It sounds like you've stolen my identity! Even the details... Except I have a sister. Not two brothers;)

mooncusp22

yellowflower15 said:

Weird. It sounds like you've stolen my identity! Even the details... Except I have a sister. Not two brothers;)

I guess misery loves company right? Nice to know we are not alone!!

AmberLiz99

This is a lot like my situation too. Dh's whole family looks to us for money. I would not leave our kids with MIL. Luckily it has never come up because dh would not agree with me.

Talltrees82

My sympathy to all the ladies with family issues. Dealing with difficult family is not easy and is never black and white. All you can do is control your reaction and provide a stable, loving family environment for your LOs.

@mooncusp22 I totally agree that your MIL should not babysit. I'm glad your DH will be home. I'm also glad that your DH found you and has found love and stability in his life with you. I hope the weekend with your MIL passes quickly and uneventfully!

Mport90

I wouldn't let her watch my kid either nope not happening. Sorry for whoever hurt feelings but mother knows best.

mooncusp22

Thanks again all... had a long chat last night. There are just some things we won't see eye to eye on, but he is accepting how I feel and not letting the opportunity to have her watch her and us not be there. I asked him if he trusted her and he said "No", so I said then how could you let her watch her alone? He said he it is still his mother...... I just want to band my head against a wall!!! 

Thank goodness we don't live close and I just have to deal with a visit here and there through the year which is tough enough!!

BADASBKRCK

At first I read this and started out with a "oh hellz no, the lady earned your doubt and scorn...but 12 hours later I'm feeling more magnanimous. Yes she earned the doubt, but it sounds like she is trying to " grow up" and I suppose everyone deserves a second chance...or fifth, sixth

yellowflower15

There's a reason we live a 5 hour plane ride away from family...