Need a little vent....Feel like a single mom

JL2003

How is it fair that because I am the mom I have to work everyday and be the breadwinner as a matter of fact, have to drop off and pick up the kids, manage the household, make dinner, do laundry, do homework and basically make sure everything is done while my husband gets to do whatever he wants whenever. If he is here he will help as long as I ask. If i am out on a rare occasion nothing is done while I am gone. My husband works 4 days a week and is part of a charitable organization that he is gone with 4 to 6 nights a week. He is the youngest guy in this organization and everyone else around him is retired and not understanding that he has a family. Why should me and my kids have to suffer so he can do whatever he wants. This has been going on for 5 years and no matter what I do nothing changes. I have basically told him that this has ruined our marriage and that doesn't even seem to bother him. If I am forced to be a single mom I would rather do it without him around. So angry and lonely.....

kikimeemee

Oh, goodness... I'm so sorry, mama. I think couples therapy/professional help is needed!

visualcircus

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I would start couples counseling immediately, and go yourself if your husband isn't willing to go. Going to counseling shows you are serious about changing your situation, and they should share some helpful tools to communicate effectively when it hasn't seem to work before. 

I just finished reading Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time. It gives a history of how Americans have a tendency to load most of the childcare and housework onto the mother, and how other countries handle it where the division of "second shift" after work is more equal. There is a better way, but it will not happen overnight. Thoughts and prayers for your family. 

Puppies+Rainbows+Unicorns

Think there is a book titled a house cleaner is cheaper than a divorce. It sounds like either your husband needs to pull more weight or you need to find a way to cut back on what you are doing. Ditto on counseling.

claudia3059

I agree with the PP about paying for some help around the house. It's not fair that it is all falling on you and it doesn't sound like your husband understands how frustrated you are. He needs to help out or as a family you should hire someone to help with the day to day chores.

MaggieF516

No matter how well intentioned his time is with the charitable organization, it would not be acceptable for me to have my significant other away that amount of time for a voluntary activity.  His helping out should be the priority.  It is completely unfair for him to put it all on your plate.  I would note that nothing seemed to make my son's father understand how difficult and stressful my day is alone until he was thrown into it himself.  My son's father was never home during the first year of my son's  life due to his work schedule and he nitpicked my parenting constantly on top of that.  We seperated due to this issue, and others, and he was faced with 2-3 days a week alone with our son with no help as we were splitting custody.  Lo and behold he had a new appreciation for everything I was doing alone!  We've reconciled and his willingness to help out has improved TREMENDOUSLY.  I would basically tell your husband you have something to do and leave him alone for 4-6 night a week and see what happens. 

VOR

Two things -

first of all, to what Maggie said above me - i've seen this happen w/ a couple friends.  Their DHs would be hands off for whatever reason but once FORCED to be hands on... whole new world.  And I'm not talking for just a night.  But for a repeated period of time.  For some men, it's being MADE to be "the" parent that makes them clue in that they are actually, in fact, the other parent who is just as capable of taking care of their child as the mother is.

second, how serious are you about basically wanting to be alone?  You say no matter what you do, nothing changes.  WHAT exactly have you done?  Other than talk or complain?  What actual ACTION have you taken to make him clue in?  How often do you leave hm alone w/ the kids?  And, again, how serious are you about doing it w/o him? 

I say that because it might take you TRULY being willing to walk out the door (or make HIM walk out the door) for him to really GET how serious this is to you.  But this isn't something you can throw out if you don't really mean it.  Because his response might be to say "Oh-o.k., bye". 

To what I said about "other than talk or complain" - I dont' mean for that to sound snarky. I'm being genuine.  Talking really often does go in one ear and out the other.  It's the action part that gives an impact.  If you do everything, then stop doing everything.  Tell him you need a night out - then get out and leave him to it.

And if after all this, he really just doesnt get it or really clearly doesn't care, then maybe it IS time to end things.  YOU need to be happy too. 

AKJPurple

Yea...I wouldn't consider that to be an acceptable arrangement.  I'm not sure what your relationship was like before kids?  When you first started dating?  Did you cook for him?  Did you do his laundry for him?  Did you basically take care of him LIKE he was your child not your husband?  

I am personally kind of guilty of this.  But I guess I believe in traditional roles to an extent.  I make my husband breakfast, lunch and dinner almost every day.  I do the laundry, I clean, I pay the bills etc.  He used to be much more self sufficient when we first started dating, but now I do everything (and I do it all happily) because he works and makes more money than me.  

But if there is not some sort of balance and you really are carrying all the weight...That's not fair.  Maybe teach him a lesson, by not doing what you usually do...Maybe scare him by moving out (with kid/kids) for a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks or a month just to show him how YOU feel. 

Maybe he needs a wake up call because he is taking you, and everything you do for granted.