Introducing myself, and looking for support

KLake42

Hey, y'all!  I'm 37-yr-old (almost 38), married to my wonderful wife for 1 year, and we've decided to try to get me pregnant.  

I'm so nervous!  Around age 35, I decided that I would never try to get pregnant, because I was 35 and not in a place to make it happen on my own, and I knew that fertility after 35 gets a bit more complicated. Then I met my wife!  But for a long time, we mainly talked about adopting.  Our discussions only moved to the possibility of making a baby from scratch in the last six months.  So we've been researching, and researching, and got me checked out by a fertility doctor. 

I've been tested for a bunch of things, and I'm waiting on some final test results to see if we can start IUI this month (in a couple weeks), or if the doctor will recommend some sort of fertility drugs and postpone to next month.  Sperm has been ordered, and I'm taking doctor-recommended vitamins by the handful.  I've gone ahead and said goodbye to my beloved wine/cocktail habit, and cut my coffee way down, boosting exercise and veggies and lentils and OMG driving myself crazy trying to generally put myself on a healthy path.  (I know I might be quitting alcohol a little early, but I've got this idea that I've got to be super healthy to balance out my age as a factor-- is that nuts?)

I'm so scared!  I mean, it's one thing to feel sad about how I just never got around to trying to get pregnant in time.  How hard is it going to be to try, if trying involves some failure?  How weird is it going to be to actually be pregnant?  (I mean, I want a baby, but am a little uncertain about the being pregnant bit.  I'm generally a tough cookie, but I hate puking.)

I also have this baggage-- I came out as a teenager, and things were rough in my family.  My mom told me, then, that I would never be a parent, that being gay would make me a bad mom.  I totally internalized that, even though I knew it was wrong!  Can anyone here relate to that?  Any success in healing that sort of thing?  (My mom adjusted over time, and is generally supportive of me being on this path now-- it was just one of those formative experiences.)

I see that some folks have left this board recently.  If anyone can recommend another online community, I would really appreciate it.  

tracy808

good luck!

valeriegp

Hi,

There is another board but I can't remember what it is called. I am mostly a lurker now but I wanted to reply to your post.

I was 35 when I got pregnant. I didn't do nearly the healthy things you did -- I tried to eat a little better and cut down on the coffee and alcohol, but I didn't stop it altogether. I started taking prenatals a few months before my first IUI. I went to a reproductive endocrinologist and I had all the normal tests done. Two of my ovulation-related tests were okay and one was borderline, but we decided to try drug-free first. I then tried both Clomid and Femara, but they didn't do much for me. In the end I did use a trigger shot, even though I did normally ovulate, "just in case."

It took 6 tries over 8 months for me to get pregnant, which was not unexpected considering my age and health. After the fourth try I did have an HSG just to make sure everything was okay (it was), and they say that can "flush you out" and help you get pregnant. I don't know if that's true or not.

I would just say don't give  up. I think sometimes lesbian couples get discouraged when they don't get pregnant in the first couple of tries, but it is important to remember that even perfectly fertile straight couples can try for months and even a year to get pregnant, and they aren't recommended to seek help until they've tried for at least a year. Your chances of getting pregnant any month are only about 15%. So be optimistic!

Also, when  you do get pregnant you will be considered as "advanced maternal age." At first that ruffled my feathers a little, but I decided it was okay because when my doctor put "AMA" on my ultrasound orders, it meant the tech paid special attention. And that was okay by me.

Good luck!

cetcar2013

@KLake42- you have a pm

KLake42

@valeriegp Thank you so much!  I'm trying to be realistic about the fact that this could be a process, that it's different for everyone, and it definitely helps to hear from people who have been through it.  I appreciate your kind words!

saraehyde

Hey!  I just wanted to say my wife and I are pregnant and queer too.  I'm a lil' younger, but still not young at 32.  We went about it in a totally DIY way, with a known donor and a turkey baster (not actually a turkey baster but same idea).  We tried for six months before it worked and it's still early days for us.  I am just about 6 weeks.  Since you are going about it in the more "scientific" way I have no doubt your process might work even faster.

I also think that as queer people the world tells us we're going to be bad at a lot of things: marriage, parenting, loving relationships, etc.  I think that at a certain point we need to call bull*&^%!  We are just as worthy and loving as anyone.  Sometimes we're better at it because we need to do it more consciously.  I know for us we are super conscious of making sure we raise a child with strong male role models because our child will have two moms.  We are putting more effort into it that any straight couple I know.  Talking to uncles and male friends even at this point in the process about it (and our baby is the size of a sweet pea).

That being said I am a huge fan of unpacking baggage.  If you feel like counselling would help, you should do that.  Yay to more gay parents raising awesome humans.

shelly2314

I haven't been on in forever, so not sure where everyone is.

My wife and I started trying to get pregnant around this time 2 years ago. I was 33. It was a long process and, at times, I was beyond discouraged. It took us 10 months. January of last year we did an IUI and I had decided this was our last time and that it probably didn't work. I started planning a cruise for spring break and another one for the summer. Well, you know what they say about planning. We ended up pregnant...with twins. Needless to say the cruise was cancelled (I did not feel well enough to be on water for several days LOL). If I can be of any help, please let me know. I do not check this board as often as I would like but will do as best as I can

I am sorry that you did not have a good experience. My "coming out" was not by my own choice and did not go well with family either. I was lucky that they came around once I met my wife and they are really supportive now. I agree with the PP, there are so many things out there to tell us what we would fail at BUT IT IS TOTAL BS. Sexual preference or identity has nothing to do with your parenting abilities.  To be honest, no matter what you think you know or have an idea of----it all changes once you have your own.

KLake42

Thank you, @saraehyde and @shelly2314!  

I was discouraged some by my blood work (indicating low ovarian reserve), but I've got two good-looking follicles developing, and will take the trigger shot tomorrow night, with insemination scheduled for Thursday morning.  I know this is just the first step, and I have no idea what the road will be like, but I'm feeling positive and hopeful!

And yes, my parents really like my wife, which has helped a lot.  She's very charming!!  Wherever this road takes me, I'm happy to be walking it with her.

leeteecee

@KLake42 Good luck with the trigger shot and insemination. It sounds like you are both optimistic and realistic - a good combination.

How have others found the 2ww to be for you vs. your partner? My wife found it much harder than I did - mostly because she couldn't know what I was feeling, but also because she's much more into planning and knowing what's next and I'm a little more go with the flow. She'd already made a full list of to-dos for all three trimesters + scouted out dozens of daycares before it was time to test. (Then we lost the original to-do list, since it took 4 cycles - 3 natural, 1 medicated - before I got a positive. But she redid it and made it into a Google doc, so it won't get lost again.)

MelanieBrilliant

saraehyde said:

  We went about it in a totally DIY way, with a known donor and a turkey baster (not actually a turkey baster but same idea).  

Could you explain what a turkey baster is?

KLake42

Ha!  Back in the day (before Alton Brown told the world the best way to cook a turkey), people used those plastic tubes with bulbs on the end to suck up turkey juices and braise the turkey while it cooked.  You know what I mean-- a turkey baster!

When lesbians wanted a DIY baby (especially in the decades before fertility clinics opened their doors to us), the joke was that we'd just use a cup, some donated sperm, and a turkey baster from the kitchen to squirt it up in there.  There may have been some enterprising women who did just that, I suppose.  

But really, there are smaller medical devices that just look like miniature turkey basters, more or less, that can be used for at-home ICI inseminations (just squirting the sperm at the cervix, not going inside it like with IUI).  

beanie1977

I'm 13 weeks and have a similar story. My wife and I have been together two years but married only 5 months. We started right away. I'm 37 and we didn't want to wait.

I have always wanted kids but felt ambivalent about pregnancy. And I'll admit, it's been hard on me. I also did all kinds of healthy things to get ready including going vegan and super organic. That all went out the door with morning sickness when cherrios and bananas and French fries was what I wanted!

I haven't even told my dad and step mom. They are very religious. I was disowned by them. My mom is religious too, and once told me to never have kids and gay people should have children. But she is THE MOST excited grandma to be EVER! She checks on me daily by text or phone is already buying stuff, and setting up a whole room for the kid at her house. This is a woman who once went to an anti-marriage equality rally with her church!

Don't be afraid! You probably are more fertile that you think- and doctors are amazing. We found a clinic that takes a pretty aggressive approach. We did clomid and pregnyl and got pregnant on the first try with IUI. it cost us a bit more than friends who didn't use any intervention and just did IUI at their doctors office but some friends did several tries which can be thousands of dollars. Ours was about $1800 including genetic screening, sperm, and ultrasounds and so forth.

We were also told to use a cyrobank rather than a known donor because legal fees can cost you a lot more than buying sperm.

Good luck! I'm sure you and your wife will be great moms!