Friends....

klkonwi

So I'm writing this because I'm in tears..... 2 of my very best friends whom I introduced have literally dropped me since being pregnant.
I finally found the courage to say something about how they never include me....... And they are just saying.... It's not because we mean to leave you out. Well it's worse when they just don't think of me. I'm not trying to be poor me but it sucks! I'm pregnant not dead. I still go out places !!!! Also makes it complicated because we all work together. I'm just at a loss because I never thought those closest to you would drop you because your f ing pregnant!!!! Ok I'm done. Any thoughts or similar situations?

karaelaine1991

So sorry that you're experiencing this! Are you sure it's just because you're pregnant? Maybe they've bonded over a common interest or similar experience that they've recently gone through... which, of course, doesn't make it any less hurtful. 

I'm a FTM and I'm 23 years old, so I'm the first of most of my close friends - especially my sorority sisters - to do the whole get married and have kids thing. My friends have been supportive, but we definitely are NOT in the same place in our lives anymore. I'm eager to hang out with them, but have no desire to go bar hopping or any of the things we used to do pre-baby. One thing that has helped is that my sorority sisters have a Facebook group for planning get-togethers, which usually revolve around going to clubs, which, again, I'm not interested in, or going for weekend getaways, which I can't afford right now because I have other expenses. So, when they make plans like this, I'll jump in on the discussion and say, "Hey, I can't make the whole thing, but I'd love to meet up with you for dinner while you're there!" My friends have all been very responsive and willing add to their plans so I can join in, too - but 9 times out of 10, I'm the one initiating that. It's not that my friends aren't thinking of me, so much as it's just that they're at such a different place in their lives from where I am that sometimes they forget that I can't (or just don't want to) do all the things that they're doing. 

Again, I'm so sorry that you've been hurt by your friends in this way! Hopefully, they genuinely haven't been meaning to exclude you and it's simply a matter of having different lifestyles now (or them perceiving that you have a different lifestyle now, even if you actually don't). I'd suggest taking a day to calm yourself down and get your emotions settled and then try to explain to them why you feel left out, if you haven't already. Then, if they apologize (which, if they're good friends, they will, even if they didn't intend to leave you out), make plans to hang out with them and try to build things up to where they once were. I hope things improve for you! 

klkonwi

I'm sure they've bonded over similar interests but it just would be very coincidental that it was timed right the minute I got pregnant...... It seemed the min I got pregnant I was no longer extended an invite to anything. You have very good insight i see your point about common interests it just doesn't hurt any less. We live in a very small town so that doesn't help either!

karaelaine1991

klkonwi said:

I'm sure they've bonded over similar interests but it just would be very coincidental that it was timed right the minute I got pregnant...... It seemed the min I got pregnant I was no longer extended an invite to anything. You have very good insight i see your point about common interests it just doesn't hurt any less. We live in a very small town so that doesn't help either!

Yeah, I completely understand - it never feels good to be left out of things. I hope that now that you've brought the issue up they'll make an effort to include you more! 

laurendutch

Friendships get so complicated as life goes on.

I have a whole new group of great friends since becoming a Mom. Most are from my twin group. I would suggest looking into mommy and me classes, or local play date groups. My neighbors have also become great friends...but we all stay at home and are at the same stage in life. There's a total of 6 boys all within 6 months of each other that live on my street.

Mommaswizz

Sadly, i've experienced this with some friends as well (thankfully not close friends). Just wanted to send some positive thoughts and tell you to keep your head up. They'll hopefully come around and start including you again soon.

finchfeeder80

I have a friend that has really put distance between us since I got pregnant. It was kind of growing already, but it's gotten bad since I told her I am pregnant. I understand on one hand, because she's been dealing with infertility for almost three years, and her prognosis for conceiving naturally, or even with her own eggs is not good. I get that it's a painful reminder to be around me. But it still hurts. We've known each other for half our lives, and I just try and reach out every now and then and I hope she'll come back around some time. 

beattykid

That really sucks!  It must be hard to work together and deal with all of this, but I think it is important to remember that some people just don't know how to deal with pregnancy/pregnant women until they have been there themselves.  I used to be like that a little bit I think when my sister had her first child.  I just didn't get it until he was here and I felt so bad for not spending more time with her while she was pregnant.  I hope it gets better for you.

lovethatcolosun

I hate to say it, but this will happen. It's not in your head. I heard about it with my first and I kinda prepared for it mentally, but I don't think I was truly ready for such a dramatic shift in friendships. I pretty much lost my best friend and we were tight. She lived with us during my pregnancy while she recovered from a physical and financial setback and was my doula. So when this friendship went cold I was shocked and super sad. I also lost some of the closeness with my coworker friends. I still visit about once a week (I worked at a bakery) to keep in touch and we do girls nights and happy hours at my house so my LO can play freely. As suggested by pp check out play groups in your area. I met my new mom friends through story time at the library and play dates with a moms group. It totally saved me! It also helps to have friends that are going through the same thing at the same time. It will not be an easy transition, but you can do it, and you'll make lots of great new friends!!!

emmamc1

I know the feeling a few of my friends did the same and I'm constantly on my own keeping yourself occupied will help, real friends will stick by you especially at a time when you need it most good luck

devyns2nd

I don't like that at all. You work with them and they do what, ignore you? Your friends should celebrate your pregnancy. I'll admit I dont see my friends often because I have a family and they are single and in college or whatever but, if we worked together there is no way they would treat me like that. I don't know how you keep from going off on them.

KaLikeAWind

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Being a military spouse I always end up making friends and moving away from them. This pregnancy coincided with a move to a new station in a really small town, so everyone here is super tight with each other. Most of them have gone to elementary, Jr high, high school all together and whose parents all know each other... You get the picture. So I come into this tight knit town where everyone knows each other and I'm just starting to get comfortable having a beer and talking to peeps and then I'm pregnant and can't even bond that way, either. Its Wisconsin, so all there is to do in the winter is drink. That pretty much torpedoed my establishing new, strong friendships. Also, of my established friends in other places, I'm an older FTM (37), so other friends my age have already had kids who are in jr high, or high school. No one I know is at the same stage I am at. They've either been there way before or are distancing themselves because they thought I was firmly in the no-kid camp like them, and now they are weirded out. So I get how much it sucks.

I think PP's idea of taking a day to sort yourself out and then calmly approaching them about it is a good one. I'm sure they don't mean to exclude or forget you, but the way our brains work is funny that way. If you're planning a night of drinks, your mind unknowingly takes pregnant ladies off the list. Once you discuss it with them they should realize they have been being mean and will hopefully take steps to include you.

klkonwi

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice!