Custody - Advice from BTDT moms?

jennaleigh23

I'm 20 weeks along and left the BD at about 6 weeks due to him cheating and just overall not respecting me at all. I have done hours and hours of research on what the best way to parent is when the parents are separated right from birth and what kind of custody arrangement works best as well. I have been more than open to keeping him informed, in the loop, I have been asking him for three months now to try to settle our custody arrangement. I want sole custody but I still want us to co parent. I want us to have that parenting relationship so our son can see his parents be in the same room and have healthy, positive, hand offs and be able to communicate openly about his time spent with each parent. The only problem is that my ex wants absolutely nothing to do with that, he wants to be in the picture ( he even started off by asking for 50/50 physical of the newborn ) he just wants to parent separately from me. Which terrifies me as a  mother. Are all the routines that I'm going to work to put in place be obliterated when he spends time at dads?

I've offered him reasonable access to visits at my house for the first six months where he can come bond with him, learn to diaper and feed and bathe him and really build the relationship with his son but in a safe environment. He's not really a responsible person, no drivers license, has never filed taxes, has no idea how to take care of himself, has a substance abuse problem and has absolutely zero idea about infants let alone children. So I do have concerns about my son going off with him unsupervised. 

I think what I've offered him is more than fair, as I've stated all along, my number one goal is for my son to know his father and to have a relationship with him but in an environment where I know my son will be safe and properly taken care of. 

So now the father ignores my texts if the conversation has anything to do with this custody agreement, he has cancelled mediation that I've scheduled (with his consent) twice. I understand he wants to be involved but his idea of parenting him is taking him away from me and doing his own thing which I full heartedly don't believe is in the best interest of my son, I believe he needs consistency and for parents to be on the same page and communicate openly.

I have an appointment with a lawyer for next Friday as I don't know what else I can do.. legally if I don't have custody established then his father gets 50% of the legal rights to make all the major decisions. And 95% of the time his decision is contrary to mine based solely on the fact that it was proposed by me. That is my motive for seeking full custody, I believe one of us has to have the final say or else we will be back in court every month over one issue or another.

Does anyone have any advice or any parenting plans that worked with them and their BD? Any way I can try to make him see that co-parenting is going to be better in the long run for our son? Or even just anyone who's been in a similar situation? 

tig594

"I've offered him reasonable access to visits at my house for the first six months where he can come bond with him, learn to diaper and feed and bathe him and really build the relationship with his son but in a safe environment. He's not really a responsible person, no drivers license, has never filed taxes, has no idea how to take care of himself, has a substance abuse problem and has absolutely zero idea about infants let alone children. So I do have concerns about my son going off with him unsupervised. "

This is all I needed to hear.  What is he doing about his substance abuse problem?  Until he has that under control and continues working to stay clean there is no way in hell I'd let him take my child on his own.  I would fight for supervised visitation and FULL LEGAL AND PHYSICAL custody. 

DD's biodad also has a substance abuse problem (alchohol) as well as being a manipulative d-bag stalker who will use DD as an excuse all day long to try getting me back.  Hell to the no.  He's currently in prison for violating his probation (for felony DUI) by continuing to drink, drive with no license, and stalk us when we have a court ordered no contact order, meaning NO contact including no 3rd party contact.  He was ordered to pay child support and had his attorney dodge and weave until he went to prison...so I've not seen a dime from him and I filed when my now 2 year old was barely a week old. 

You have to think about what's best for your child, not your child's father.  Is he really the type of role model you want your son seeing?  Your son will grow up thinking the way daddy acts/treats people is normal and okay, and your son will probably act/treat people just like daddy does. 

jennaleigh23

My concern is that he IS a dbag but he's not necessarily big enough of a dbag that I can prove in court that it would be unsafe to have my son around. Like I can't prove that he drinks too much and is just overall irresponsible, he has no criminal record and can generally hold down part-time employment.. The only thing he may fail is a drug test for weed. But he DOES drink too much and too often and in my opinion, a 25 year old father to be shouldn't be drinking to the point that he's sleeping over at his friends parents house cause he had too much to drink on a regular basis. 

So other than potentially failing a drug test I really have no proof that he's a shit head other than how he's treated and spoken to me in the past. He's very condescending and speaks to me like I'm less of a person. 

I absolutely don't want him to teach this behaviour to my son that's why I've offered him supervised visits but he is fighting me tooth and nail on this, he feels he should be able to take him whenever he wants. I guess I will have to try my hand and court and HOPE a judge rules in my favour and doesn't actually end up awarding BD more time than I was initially allowing. 

kmcc14

Unless he fails a good drug test, there is a good chance that he could end up with 50/50 custody.  It really just depends on what state you live in and how much they preference they still give to mothers.

jennaleigh23

This is my biggest fear.

dufferoo

Waaaaaiiiiit a minute, are you dating my ex?? Seriously, your situation sounds almost exactly like mine, 12 years ago. It's been so long that I couldn't really give you any legal advice. Ever state, county and magistrate are so different in the way they approach these things, so I think it will be really helpful for you to talk to your lawyer. What I can tell you about my situation is that it was a really stressful first few years, with lots of me being forced to give more than I was comfortable with, and my daughter's father trying to demand more and more. I of course love your concept of co-parenting gracefully with kindness and understanding, but it does just sound kind of impossible if he refuses to see eye to eye with you on anything. Here's my broad advice for you: do what the court tells you to, no more, no less, but reduce conflict by refusing to engage in debate or, especially, drawn out text exchanges that will only stress you out. Instead, focus on being the best mom you can be when you are with your child, and accept the fact that you will have to relinquish control when your daughter is with her dad. It's hard to accept that, but you really have no other choice. In our case, after 12 years of "co-parenting" like this, we've run out of a lot of energy for fighting and court battles, but we still don't see eye to eye on very much. The good news is, my daughter is super happy, healthy, thoughtful and smart, and since she's never known any other family situation, it doesn't seem to bother her too much.

jennaleigh23

dufferoo said:

Waaaaaiiiiit a minute, are you dating my ex?? Seriously, your situation sounds almost exactly like mine, 12 years ago. It's been so long that I couldn't really give you any legal advice. Ever state, county and magistrate are so different in the way they approach these things, so I think it will be really helpful for you to talk to your lawyer. What I can tell you about my situation is that it was a really stressful first few years, with lots of me being forced to give more than I was comfortable with, and my daughter's father trying to demand more and more. I of course love your concept of co-parenting gracefully with kindness and understanding, but it does just sound kind of impossible if he refuses to see eye to eye with you on anything. Here's my broad advice for you: do what the court tells you to, no more, no less, but reduce conflict by refusing to engage in debate or, especially, drawn out text exchanges that will only stress you out. Instead, focus on being the best mom you can be when you are with your child, and accept the fact that you will have to relinquish control when your daughter is with her dad. It's hard to accept that, but you really have no other choice. In our case, after 12 years of "co-parenting" like this, we've run out of a lot of energy for fighting and court battles, but we still don't see eye to eye on very much. The good news is, my daughter is super happy, healthy, thoughtful and smart, and since she's never known any other family situation, it doesn't seem to bother her too much.

Thanks for the input! It's really hard to enjoy this pregnancy and the thought of my son's arrival knowing it will be shared with someone who can't even take the time to put in writing what his wishes are. I know I'll feel a lot better after talking to the lawyer, hopefully.. or at least have some kind of closure knowing I've done everything within my legal rights. It just baffles me how a judge can grant unsupervised visits to fathers who have absolutely zero idea what they're doing or regardless of how absent they've been. But I know it does happen so I should start preparing myself for that.

It is good to know though that children from mainly hostile parents can still grow up to be happy and well adjusted. 

dufferoo

@jennaleigh23 Agree, agree, agree! I have never been so baffled as I have when dealing with the family court system!! But again, every court is different. You might have better luck than I did. I really do wish you could meet my daughter, though. I so wish I had had a crystal ball back when I was 20 weeks pregnant so I could see just how okay everything turned out in the loooong run. Good luck to you!

brinaroze

Here's my situation:
BD and I had been together for over three years (married for about 7 months) before we decided to try for a baby. I thought he was fully devoted to his family life. After our daughter was born, though, things changed. He withdrew from us. When he was at home, he was a very unpleasant person to be around. Our financial situation sucked, and we ended up moving in with my parents. He lived there with us for only six weeks, before my dad asked him to leave- because he had brought drugs into the house! Eight months later, after a lot of other crappy things BD did to me, I decided to seek divorce. I am just now starting the process and meeting with a lawyer, so I can't say legally yet what's going to happen. BD, however, talks a lot of talk and never follows through.

Your BD sounds a lot like mine. Mine has a substance abuse problem, can barely hold down a part time job, and was emotionally abusive to me. When we decided to get divorced, he agreed that I would have full custody. All he wanted was visitation, some holidays. He tells me all the time how he plans to come take DD for walks when he gets off work early enough in the spring/summer. (He doesn't drive, either.) So far, he's only taken her on one of these walks like twice. His visitation is usually only one day a week for about three hours max. I don't think I ever have to worry about him asking to take her overnight. He's considered an "absentee" father.

So, while in a perfect world, I'd love for him to actually co-parent, it's better for us if he doesn't. In your case, you may not even have to worry about your BD following through with what he says he's going to do. Don't know if that helps or not. I really don't mean to make you feel bad. Personally, DD is better with minimal contact with her father.