opinions on last names

cwinn09

This is my first child. Me and the baby's father have recently split. Just wanted some opinions on who's last name I should use, mine or his. He says he's signing the birth certificate and will be in the baby's life. I'm considering giving the baby his last name, but of course my family is against it. Would it be difficult for me signing the baby up for stuff and do legal things if the baby doesn't have my last name? I just need some outside opinions please!

karaelaine1991

cwinn09 said:

This is my first child. Me and the baby's father have recently split. Just wanted some opinions on who's last name I should use, mine or his. He says he's signing the birth certificate and will be in the baby's life. I'm considering giving the baby his last name, but of course my family is against it. Would it be difficult for me signing the baby up for stuff and do legal things if the baby doesn't have my last name? I just need some outside opinions please!

One of my good friends was in a very similar situation with her first child. Long story short, she ended up hyphenating the last name and she's regretted it ever since. Because her ex's name is on the birth certificate and the kid has his name, he has more rights than he would otherwise, which in most cases is a good thing, but in this particular case, the guy hasn't regularly been around since about 6 months after the baby was born and now, five years later, he'll go for months at a time without having seen her... but my friend still has to ask his permission for certain things, because legally he's in her life. Truly a crappy situation. 

All that being said, if your ex is a genuinely good guy and you really believe him when he says he's going to be there, I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt. If you really think you'll be able to co-parent with him successfully even though you won't be with him anymore, that's a good thing! But if he's been undependable in the past, I'd think very carefully before giving his name to your baby. 

finchfeeder80

Yours. If you or the baby decide to change it later down the road, it will be much, much easier than trying to take his off should things not work out well and get ugly.

cwinn09

Thanks for the feedback. He has other kids also. And he's in their lives pretty regularly. I really do think he'll do right by the baby, but there's always the possibility he'll be good at first and not so good down the road ya know? I don't want to seem spiteful if in don't give the baby his last name because we did split, but I don't want problems down the road either.

casey06022015

Im in the same boat and have contacted a lawyer about this ... I am going with giving her my last name. When it comes to traveling and passports... Signing up for school... And doctors appts I just feel it'll be better. Idk your situation but with mine I know that he says he will be involved but I know I can't count on it. The lawyer also said its way harder to change the baby's last name from his to yours after the baby is born. You would need his approval. I know how stressful this topic is and I feel for you girl!!!!

Hang in there...

NotISaidtheCat

If he's proven to be a good and involved father with his other children, it's disrespectful not to give this child his name. You didn't make this baby on your own and it looks like you won't be raising it on your own. If you have no reason to distrust the father, don't drive that wedge into an already difficult dynamic. My younger brother and I had our fathers' last names and my mom never had any trouble with it as far as school and legal documents went.

KaLikeAWind

finchfeeder80 said:

Yours. If you or the baby decide to change it later down the road, it will be much, much easier than trying to take his off should things not work out well and get ugly.

This. It would be much easier to change TO his last name than away from it.

Frogger5

cwinn09 said:

Thanks for the feedback. He has other kids also. And he's in their lives pretty regularly. I really do think he'll do right by the baby, but there's always the possibility he'll be good at first and not so good down the road ya know? I don't want to seem spiteful if in don't give the baby his last name because we did split, but I don't want problems down the road either.

I think women are too concerned about upsetting people in general, and in this sort of situation in particular. If the situation was reversed, do you honestly think he would even consider your feelings? Just because he impregnated you doesn't mean he "deserves" to have his name passed on . . . if anything, you deserve it. I vote your last name without question.

mamahawk12

Absolutely not would I give the baby his last name. Why WOULD you? I mean that honestly, not in a snarky way. Like, what are the actual benefits of giving the baby his last name? I can't think of any. 

Frogger5

NotISaidtheCat said:

If he's proven to be a good and involved father with his other children, it's disrespectful not to give this child his name. You didn't make this baby on your own and it looks like you won't be raising it on your own. If you have no reason to distrust the father, don't drive that wedge into an already difficult dynamic. My younger brother and I had our fathers' last names and my mom never had any trouble with it as far as school and legal documents went.

This is absurd. The OP saying he's involved "pretty regularly" with his other children indicates to me that he sees them, what, once every two weeks at the most? Oh yeah, he deserves a gold medal for being so responsible, along with the "respect" of having his name given to the child. Jesus, what about the woman? He certainly didn't make it on his own and won't be raising it on his own, either.

mamahawk12

NotISaidtheCat said:

If he's proven to be a good and involved father with his other children, it's disrespectful not to give this child his name. You didn't make this baby on your own and it looks like you won't be raising it on your own. If you have no reason to distrust the father, don't drive that wedge into an already difficult dynamic. My younger brother and I had our fathers' last names and my mom never had any trouble with it as far as school and legal documents went.

I'm sorry - this makes zero sense. Because he impregnated someone it's only "respectful" to give the child his list name?? I am legitimately baffled by this mindset. Why is his last name so much of a better choice than her last name? She doesn't owe him anything other than the opportunity to parent his own child. If he's that bothered by it that he lets it effect his relationship with his kid, then it sounds like he's probably not someone who has their priorities in line anyways. 

missjenniebean

I would say it depends on your relationship with him. My baby will have the fathers last name because I have no doubt he will be involved. If he decided to bail on baby or was an awful father, then baby would have mine.
The
fact that you have to ask, signals doubt to me. I agree with the pp that if he has proven to be good and involved, then it would be disrespectful to not give his name.you can always hyphenate. Most people I have seen use one that way anyway.

Overall, it is your decision. Best of luck!

KonaCoffeeBean

mamahawk12 said:

Absolutely not would I give the baby his last name. Why WOULD you? I mean that honestly, not in a snarky way. Like, what are the actual benefits of giving the baby his last name? I can't think of any. 

I agree, but I also can't think of any benefits of the child having your name either; it's just a name. I mean, I wouldn't doubt that there is some emotional reality to this decision that I just don't appreciate yet, but for practical purposes it does not make a difference. Again, I say this as lawyer too much family law experience, not as a parent yet. Schools, doctors, soccer teams, etc. are plenty used to divorce, guardianship, foster care, and a million other family arrangements where the legal custodian and the child do not have the same last name. If I were to be faced with this decision, I would have to give a lot of thought to social and emotional ramifications, but I wouldn't give any consideration to legal issues, because from my perspective, there are none.

taboullio84

Your not married... There is no reason the child should have his name.

mamahawk12

I wasn't referring to legal issues - more social and emotional. But there is a legal issue to consider, and that's that she could have a much harder time changing the child's last name to her own should she chose to do so down the road. In my state, that requires both parents agree to the name change. That said, I can't imagine being "ok" with my child having a last name different than mine in s a situation where the relationship had dissolved before the child's birth. We all know how statistics work in these situations.  

kbbtah

There was a really good discussion on this a couple of months back @cwinn09. You may see if you can dig that up.

I would say keep your name. Wishing you the best!

cag11890

I have my fathers last name and my parents haven't been together since I was a baby. No issues ever. I agree with giving the baby the fathers name unless you don't think he will help support you two physically and financially. But if all is well then I would give the baby his last name. It that's just my opinion but I think it's because that's my situation .

mishmardhiono

Legally once he signs the birth certificate any decision you make he will be involved in. Having the name being his or yours won't change that. To change the child's name in the future will require him agreeing no matter what. I think for the child I'd like both of my parents names.

A girlfriend was un married to her partner and used his surname as a middle name and hers as a family name.