Intro

aang0250

It is with an extremely heavy heart that I write this intro.  Tomorrow will be one month from the day our angel Olivia Grace was stillborn.  I was 35 weeks on the mark and did not feel much movement that day.  My husband and I went to the hospital after calling our doctor, and within 10 minutes of checking in, were given the worst news our lives.  We waited until 3 am for a c section, and Olivia was delivered at 3:28am.  She was a perfect baby at 5lb 2oz and 20 inches long.  The doctor confirmed after the surgery that her cord had wrapped around her neck and body several times, and she had passed meconium.  We were able to spend several hours with Olivia holding her, talking to her, and sharing her with our parents and my sisters.  That time and pictures we took will be forever engraved in my mind and I will cherish every second we had. It has been an extremely difficult 4 weeks, but my husband and I have a great support system with both of our families.  My husband has been exceptionally patient with me both physically recovering and emotionally.  I still do not want to face people outside of our family and close friends, but know that I need to come to terms with outside people as I must return to work in a few weeks. I have found that reading blogs and journals from other mothers who have gone through this most tragic experience has helped me with coping and knowing that my fears, thoughts, and grief is not abnormal.  Just looking for some help from others who do/did not have other children at home as to what had helped them transition back into a new normal after having such high expectations for our baby and our new growing family.

msunshine123

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Olivia. We are here for you when you need us and feel free to PM me anytime. I also lost my son due to a cord accident. He died either when my labor started or during the 4 hours as my labor progressed before we arrived to the hospital. He was 39 weeks. His cord had wrapped around his neck. He also like your Olivia was our first. The first few days and weeks were so very hard - be patient and kind to yourself. You'll come to know a new normal and you will never forget your daughter. I'm glad you were able to spend time with her, love her and take pictures. My motivation to continue on with life and everything is him - I want to make him proud. He is important and means so much. He's still a part of our family just not in the way we had imagined. This group and our local hospital's perinatal bereavement group are very helpful. Big hugs to you  - you, your husband and Olivia will be in my thoughts and prayers.

LyndseyTS

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I'm convinced that this is one of the hardest things anyone can go through.

We lost our daughter last year and she was our first as well. There is no "magic cure", but like @msunshine123 said, be kind to yourself. Don't expect too much for yourself. Maybe come up with one thing to do each day (and I'm talking basic - take a shower, heat up a meal). My motivation is also my daughter. One of my "mantras" if you will, is that "I will allow this loss to change me, but I will not let it ruin me". I still need it somedays.

Sending thoughts, prayers, and lots of hugs to you during this time.

jenn.schott

I am so sorry for the loss of Olivia (what a beautiful name). Please do not hesitate to come here for support and for people to just listen. There are so many emotions that the grieving process brings out and it was a comfort to me to know that I was not the only one. Sending hugs!

ikrystal

**ticker**

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter, Olivia.  Losing a child is the worst thing that can ever happen to someone.  I am glad, though, that you had time to hold her, share her with your family, and take pictures.  All of that is incredibly valuable.  This board has wonderful women - please know that this is a great place for support, so let us know if you need anything. 

stefuge

I am so sorry for your loss of Olivia. No one wants to join this group, and I'm sorry you are here. Just try to take it day by day, moment by moment. Losing your child changes you forever, and there's no easy way to adjust to your new normal. We are here whenever you need us.

aang0250

Thank you all for your heartfelt reply's.  I was apprehensive at first to post, after experiencing some disappointing discussions on the March birth month board.  However, I am VERY glad that I followed my instinct, and appreciate the support and compassion you all have shown.  I know this will not be an easy journey, but realize that gaining support from those who have experienced this same loss, can be extremely helpful.  Hugs to all of you as well, and admiration for coming out of this experience able to coach and help others in such kind ways!

schulme2

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Olivia. I pray that you will find some healing and the support you need here. We all know what a whirlwind everything is right now for you and I hope you can take care of yourself.

MamaBish

Hello, so sorry about the loss of Olivia. I too have sadly just joined the loss mom ranks and am unsure of how to get to a new normal. I hope we can figure this out together. Sending my support to you and your family.

hsabyan

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I love your daughter's name, as it was actually in the running for names of our rainbow baby (if it was to be a girl).  Be gentle with yourself and take the time that you need to protect yourself.  Losing a child changes your entire world and your outlook on life... after nearly a year, I can tell you that it's still hard- but it does get easier.  ((hugs))

Mel&John2013

****siggy warning

I'm so sorry you had to find your way here, but am glad you did. And I'm so sorry for your loss of sweet Olivia. 

Transitioning to your new normal isn't easy, and isn't quick. Like PP said, all you can do is set small goals for yourself each day. And when you just can't bring yourself to do anything, that's ok, too. For us, it was months for my husband and I before we could make it through the entire grocery store. So we started with a small trip to pick up just a couple things. Then little by little we conquered more sections of the store. If we needed to leave mid-trip, we did. 

Just try to be kind to yourself. Grief is a lot of work.

aang0250

Thank you to all who have shared such kind words.  Days are getting easier, milestones are still difficult, but we are finding ways to cope.  I have learned that sometimes the anxiety of the milestones and family gatherings are worse then actually making it through....  I have also found that when I can do things in her honor, or for her, it helps to ease some of the pain, and will always ultimately end with putting a small smile on my face.  I know that this will be a lifelong journey.