ive been reading through all your posts on here and have been itching to write my own.
I have a 3(nearly 4)yr old son, We are very very close indeed and share a bond which some mums I feel think is a little over the top but it makes my son happy to have his mummy close by his side and this makes mummy happy. I am a stay at home mum, we do many lovely things together each day. He started pre school last sept and had a very hard time parting from me but is ok now, he only goes two afternoons a week and simply says "please don't send me more, I want to be home playing with you", so until school starts this sept this is the way we are keeping it. So just a little intro, nearly 4 years on and we have spent many special moments together.
I always said we were OAD, infact, made it clear to all I was adamant about being OAD. I felt my son was enough for me, very very loving (infact we can have tears if he doesn't get a cuddle when he asks which can some days be as often as every 15mins!!!), he is quite spirited so enough in this respect too, He doesn't sleep through the night as he wants me for a cuddle(I gave up resettling a very long time ago, got him a double bed so I can join him when he wakes and we all get some sleep.) We have gotten to the age where we do a lot as a family on weekends too, we all have bikes now and go biking etc.
So why in the last 4 months have I started to think about another after feeling so secure I was OAD?, im almost not comfortable having these thoughts(for many reasons).I feel sad for my son as he says he doesn't want a brother or sister and says he just wants mummy, daddy and him.(he even puts his hand over my mouth if I talk to much to someone elses child), from this point of view I think he is better off being an only child. I think it all started with insecure thoughts about something terrible happening and me not having a reason to live anymore, which then progressed to thinking it would be better for my son as an adult to have a sibling when we are dead. Which has now progressed to me thinking how much I enjoyed these 4 years and not ready to let go wanting to do it all again(although id prefer to start at age 2 if I could).
But then its not as simple as, do I want another? yes or no?. I had severe SPD and ended up virtually housebound, if I had another I fear wasting some of my sons life with me being disabled in a way. I was also left with a minor umbilical hernia from my pregnancy and fear I could make it worse and end up needing operating on(and I feel every op carries risk). I had an awful delivery but I have made my peace with this(I haven't made my peace with pregnancy) Do I risk pregnancy again for some sort of day dream?.
I have (I hate to admit) that a second child might be a girl. I have been craving a girl for a long time and not proud of it. But would never get pregnant just because I want a girl only.
my husband works away a lot, would I even cope with two kids who don't sleep through?.
Oh god, this is sooo long, sorry girls!!.
I guess over all I think, im blessed with such a wonderful loving boy and have settled down lovely as a threesome. Am I pushing my luck the wrong way by wanting another?(rotten pregnancy, perhaps the next child could be born with an illness of some sort and we loose quality of life then I have regrets). Or am I pushing my luck just sticking with being OAD?- could I regret it in the end for any number of reasons?
This is well and truly doing my head in.
Oh im 36 this year.