Any other FTM with a step-child?

Pepperscott

Just to give you some background: I'm 9w 3d. My DH is 26 and I'm 24. We have been married for 2.5 years. He was married b4 me and though he tried hard the ex is beyond crazy. She moved almost two years ago now (very far away!) We get my step-son every summer (wish it was much much more), he is going to be 5 this month.

Anyway, we haven't told him yet because 1. Its early still and 2. We are afraid that the ex will do something and not let us have him for the summer, or just be very negative to him about the fact that his daddy is having another baby. We of course want it to be nothing but possative and we want him to know that we love him just as much as the one on the way. Making sure that she doesn't find out is hard though, keeping it off of social media until June or July is going to suck! I wanna shout it from the rooftops but if it is better for him then I will do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't know until he is out here with us. Its just annoying. DH is so worried that his son will feel left out or replaced Anyone else going thru anything similar? Any advice or encouragement?

Knottie01495548

Girl. The struggle is so real with this. You are lucky you are so far. I see our baby mama a few times a week. My mother in law deviated me early on because she did not mention my baby of the pregnacy at all just because baby mama was around. It's a huge issue in our family. Baby mama is a crazy crazy women. I feel your pain

mariessa02

I am in a similar situation but in reverse. We have my husband's little guy (he's 9) full time with us in CA and he stays with his mom over the summer in TX - she's crazy to put it kindly. Our little guy found out waaay earlier than we had planned to tell him by discovering a What to Expect notification on the iPad. He has not told his mom yet but really wants to - he's so excited. We have asked him to wait and he has been. I'm dreading the day he tells her - we already told him that on March 11th, once we officially tell all, he can tell her. I know that she will be negative about the baby and tell him that it isn't his "real" brother or sister and attempt to fill his little mind with rubbish >_< But luckily for us he's understanding more and more as time passes, who his mom is and how she operates. I just prefer being in our happy bubble as long as we can.

I know it's harder for you because your little guy is with his mom the majority of the time. If I were in your situation with our little guy's mom I would definitely not say anything until he is there with you guys, so that you can be the ones to explain the situation, tell him how much you love him and let it sink in for him while he's with you. You DO NOT want his mom to be the one to twist the situation and turn it into something negative before you have a chance to explain everything to him from the happy place it should be coming from.

Knottie01495548

My fiancé called our baby mama out of respect. I love him. She showed up in my living room crying a week later. Not of joy. Oh our lives

sugarmagn0lia

My SO has a little one from before, though it was really just a "we're going to make an attempt because there was a baby right off the bat," not so much a legitimate relationship. The little one is five and we're very close and get along very well, she considers me a third parent and her father and I have been together long-term, just haven't gotten married. Unfortunately her mother is not the type of person SO or I would choose to have in our lives, and she consistently talks about me behind my back and things of the like. We have kiddo half the time (Friday - Sunday during school, more on breaks), but no on-paper arrangement. We plan to tell her after my 12 week appointment, and I'm pushing for us to get official paperwork beforehand because her mother can be very vindictive, despite the fact that the little one will be over the moon and this is a thing we're happy about and, realistically, it isn't her business. I'd definitely suggest making yours official first to protect you guys having him if it isn't and if it's an option!

missmandah

I've got a beautiful step daughter who is turning 5 this month. We have her 50% of the time. My SO ex was possibly the most negative person when we made our announcement and immediately went into ugly mode. I personally believe its due to jealousy (she has recently remarried and they started trying a week before I found out I was pregnant (yes she shared with me even though I dont't care)) I don't want to get into it because the stress isn't good for me or the peanut. All we can do is love our step babies as if they are our own. At least thats what I do. I've been in this angels life since she was a year and a half and I am a better person because of it.

smiversen

Why do men have to have babies with the crazies? my boyfriend has a five year old and got sole custody a year after we started dating (yay!), so he's been with us for two years now. C hasn't seen his mom since we've told him (she comes and goes as pleases), but I'm sure she has found out as we have many mutual friends. I'm hoping we can get actual visitation set up soon though so we can actually plan family vacays after baby is here! We never know when she's going to come around and want him for a few days. I feel like his mom says negative things about me as well because he can be mean to me whenever he gets back from being with her.
I feel for your situation though! That first year with my boyfriend was so hard. Baby mama up and moved to Texas with a boyfriend without telling us and he didn't get to see or talk to Celton for two months! If you have it written in paper, I don't think she can keep him away from your for the summer without plausible reason. As for her being negative just remind him how much he's loved and talk to him on the phone a lot about the baby and being a big brother, maybe even try skype, though that can be hard with an uncooperative mom.

smiversen

Wow I am so sorry about the long post. I could write so much more though

Pepperscott

Its okay! @smiversen I could have said way more then I did too lol I appreciate everyone's comments! It helps knowing I'm not the only one going thru this. It is on paper that we get him for the summer but she has gotten around the law b4 and done some very evil stuff to DH and the family. I have to walk away when she talks to DH on the phone now because my "mommy mode" (as I now call it) kicks in and I want to take the phone from him and give her a peice of my prego protective mommy mind!!!!!! But I have to be good since our ultimate gold is to get full custody whenever we find a judge who will listen. (Sorry kinda ranted)

bracybabies

TOTALLY FEEL YOU. My husband has a little one from a previous marriage who is about to be four. They were separated when they found out they were pregnant, but still divorced. I was lucky and I have been in her life since she was barely a year old. Unfortunately, her mom can be very vindictive. (Including pulling strings with her new husband's job to move 13 days before me and my husbands May wedding (she wasn't supposed to move until June) and instead of letting the kiddo stay with us for two weeks, she made us pay her airfare and hotel for her to bring his daughter back for two days for the wedding. She refuses to follow the visitation schedule across state lines, won't finish her paperwork that the state needs in order to complete our child support/ visitation agreement, etc. The worst part? Texas defends the mother to no end so they don't care that she doesn't do her paperwork and that we don't get our daughter. But we still have to pay.... Then she expects me to be happy about her new October '14 baby when she resents is for our pregnancy.... Yeah. Okay.

chibimeeko

bracybabies said:

Unfortunately, her mom can be very vindictive. (Including pulling strings with her new husband's job to move 13 days before me and my husbands May wedding (she wasn't supposed to move until June) and instead of letting the kiddo stay with us for two weeks, she made us pay her airfare and hotel for her to bring his daughter back for two days for the wedding. She refuses to follow the visitation schedule across state lines...

I have two amazing stepdaughters (10 and 11years old) that we never see because of this. My family thinks that as soon as she finds out about our new baby, she's going to pack up the two older girls and send them here (she has a total of five kids). I really hope so--- we used to see them constantly and I really miss them.

shelbydd

I have 2, an 11 year old step son that my husband had with his high school girlfriend and a 7 year old step-daughter from his 1st marriage. It's a pretty big age gap so we were a little bit worried with my step-son but we told him pretty early on. He is old enough to understand and we wanted him to feel included as part of our family and not wait to tell him with our official announcement. We've asked him to help us come up with names and will be including him in different things like picking nursery decor (if he wants) he's pretty excited about it. His mom leaves us alone and we get him one weekend a month plus holidays, part of summer, and spring break (we live 2 hours away so every other weekend is just financially difficult) my step-daughters mom is CRAZY, though. She's on her 3rd marriage (2nd was after my husband and it lasted 4 months) her husband joined the military and is stationed 16 hours away where they live. Now he's deployed to Korea. She gets my step-daughter t-shirts and books related to her "daddy" being in the military or being a soldier then posts pictures of her wearing them all over Facebook and brags about it. It's gotten really bad now that I'm pregnant and she knows it. She had a hysterectomy years ago for health reasons and wants another baby but can't have one. So to make up for being unable to make a baby with her new husband she's just trying to replace my step daughters dad with her new husband. It's insane!

Amichaels0829

I am in the exact same boat. Feels good to know there are others out there going thru the same thing.

mamamegz14

Same situation here...hubby doesn't want him to know yet because he already feels dad was stolen when we got togther. Dislikes babys all together:( dad's kinda hoping for a girl so he doesn't feel completely replaced. Not a nice feeling.

19gem87

I'm not a FTM but... my SO has a son from a previous relationship who is 13. His mother hates me. All I need to say lol.

Edited**

19gem87

@Knottie01495548 She showed up in your living room crying?! Whaaat? Wow!

missmandah

Oh the stories we could all share. At least with these crazy vivid pregnancy dreams I'm able to take out my frustration lol

MsTeaBlaze

When big brother goes back home keep him updated send him pics so he can feel involved !

sammi0706

Yes, we are going through similar things. DH has a son from a previous relationship and she has a son that he adores as his own also. I'm not worried about his biological son but I am worried about the other child. He is already very jealous of his brother. I'm just worried about how he will react when he finds out. I think his biggest problem is that his father is absent and even though my DH has tried to be there for him. I think he still feels like he is missing out on a relationship with his own. I actually have been thinking about this a lot. My DH's biological son is 5 and lives with us permanently, mom gets him every other weekend. I honest think he will adapt well and try to be a good big brother. Not sure how the other child will react.

kelbel90

My step daughter will be 6 when this baby arrives, but this is our 3rd. We have her 1 week a month, but that will change soon when she starts school. I suggest you block the mother on social media and honestly, just try not to think about her at all. Dealing with her is your Husband's responsibility, not yours. It took me a long time to get to this point and I am a much happier person now.

carmi1223

My DH had a previous relationship and we have an amazing 15 year old son. I say we because to him I'm mom and hes my son. I've been around since age of 5. He lives with us full time hasn't stayed over night with her overnight in 8 years. The crazy ex is still crazy as ever lol I'm sure we could all have some great laughs over the stories. She Comes and goes. I keep her posted on everything and I mean everything but its her choice when she doesn't show up and son knows that she chooses to only show up when covenient for her. Hes super excited about new baby and knows nothing will ever change between him and I. Just because I didn't birth him doesnt change the bond we have.

micksbby

Well., I am a new bump member && also a FTM. I am 24 && my fiance is 37. We've been engaged for a little over 2 yrs. now && plan to officially marry before the baby arrives., leaning torwards a spring wedding. He has 3 kids already., 2 girls (one of which is 15 && the other who is 12) both from a previous marriage. He also has a 4 year old son, whom he has full custody of, from a previous relationship. I am close with all 3., but especially close with the 4 year old since i've been around from the time he was 11 months old. His biological mother isn't involved in his life at all. For those reasons i feel as if I am already somewhat of a mother. All the kids are aware that there's another baby on the way && all are excited., especially the 4 year old. He's constantly asking "where's that baby at" && we respond by telling him "it's still inside my belly" in which he always responds "still.?" followed by "well it needs to hurry up && get out of there b/c i'm ready to play with it && teach it stuff."
LOL i must say there's never a dull moment with him around. He keeps me busy && is apparently getting me prepared.!

sonjapuppy

I'm 12w5d and inherited a 16yo boy in December. Hubby has full custody and stepson's mom lives 2 hours away with her 4 other kids. He has been basically an only child for the last 7 years but hopefully will be happy about a new LO in the house. He doesn't talk much (oh to be a teenager again) and his mother absolutely hates me. Has for 18 years and would literally run me over with a car if given the opportunity. I don't know if she knows I'm pregnant yet.

Truth7788

Girl I am going through the same thing I am afraid my husband's ex will try more crap too... it's hard I don't even want to tell my step sons tell after because I don't want the stress as much as I'd love for them to be apart of this pregnancy even though they don't live with us.

Truth7788

I know it's hard but I would keep it quite for awhile... otherwise the call is yours

babycard1

We have full custody of my husbands two kids. His ex wife is nuts and needless to say she lost all custody, she doesn't even get to see them on weekends. My husbands daughter is 7 and has called me mom since we've been married. The other day she talked to her real mom on the phone and told her, her mom (me) was having a baby. I had to hold my breath because I was pretty sure she was going to explode. Thank God she didn't tho and just changed the subject.

lpatton1969

I completely understand what you are going through. This is my first but my husbands fourth. His ex who is the mother of the 11 and 7 year old is an absolute nut job. We are trying to prolong her finding out in fear of what she may say to them. It's sad really to think she puts herself before them in this way. The 7 year old is the youngest and can't contain his excitement. I think the 11 year old worries his mom will react negatively so he keeps quiet about it plus he already has a younger sibling so he's been there. I know without a doubt her facebook and the two children will be her sounding board once she discovers I am pregnant.

megs1409

I went through this exact issue during my first pregnancy. The relationship between DH and SD has become more distant and she didn't want to meet our DS for a while (I think she finally met him when he was 6 months old). She was a doll with him and he loved the attention he got from her. But that hasn't helped the relationship between SD and either DH or myself. In fact, I feel like she hates me now. We just told her with this pregnancy and she's was dismissive. The experience and reactions could be worse, but it does break my heart to see her become so distant (she is currently 10. She was almost 9 when DS was born). Good luck! Being a step-parent is no joke, especially when you add your own child into the mix.