Conflict w/ The In-Laws About DH's "Reddiness"

frankengibbs

I'd like to think I know my DH best. We've known each other for about 5-6yrs, have been together for 3. So when I say that I think my husband is ready and will be a wonderful father to our daughter, despite the fact that we were hoping to wait a couple more years before having kids, I'd like to think I know what I'm talking about. However, I kept getting comments from DH's family about how incompetent they think he is. I get that we're in our early 20's and maybe it's hard for his family to look at him as a grown man and not the reckless teen he was years ago, but it's wearing on me. They make remarks about how they think he's going to be too rough with her like he is when he plays with the dogs (he will literally roll around on the ground and wrestle with them, the dogs love it) or that he's going to teach her things that will hurt her because DH is a weapons fanatic and likes swords, knives, torches and flame throwers, etc. Honestly, it's starting to piss me off. He is so gentle with me now that I'm pregnant, sometimes I even have to remind him that I'm just pregnant not made of glass. And I know he loves our LO, always rubbing my belly and telling me how excited he is to be a daddy. I have no concerns about him ever doing anything to hurt her so it really miffs me that anyone else does.

Long story short, it bugs me so how do I deal with this? What can I say without sounding like a total bitch?

Have any of you dealt with this? What was your experience/ how did you put the nonsense to bed?
Thank you for reading, I know this is long as hell.

MamaBish

Ugh, family has a way of not noticing when you grow up. My parents still think I sleep until 1pm simply because I did that as a teen, never mind the fact that I work 8 to 5 during the week and am usually up by 8:30 am on the weekends. Drives me crazy but unfortunately, until they actually see otherwise, they will continue to think what they want.

virginiaunicorn11

Really frustrating. But it is so not a competition of who knows your husband best, so don't play that card. A quick, "he's a great husband and is going to be a great daddy, I have no doubt!" is all you need.

Time will fix this. Meantime, practice short, relatively polite responses that demonstrate you're not putting up with their crap, but you're a mature mama who can handle her in-laws lovingly while standing up for her man. Throwing a fit plays into their concerns about immaturity, so take the high road.

Isn't it wonderful when husbands step up to the plate?! Nothing sexier. Never been more in love with my man than these last two trimesters. Enjoy :-)

frankengibbs

@MamaBish‌ It sucks! It's like they think he's still the little boy who would come home needing stitches because he found something new to climb or tried to modify a pocket knife. While I admit he is a risk-taker, I find the idea of him being anything but sweet and gentle with our LO laughable. They practically think he's going to give her matches the second she leaves the womb.
Perfect example: he was playing with MIL's pit pup and the puppy bit him kind of hard on the face because he was too riled up and DH said "Next time he bites me I'm doing it back, hell I might even punch him" (he said it more out of frustration than anything else) and I told him to be nice to the puppy (which he was) and MIL looked at me and said something to the effect that basically he's going to do that to our baby...I was pissed.

frankengibbs

amark11 said:

Really frustrating. But it is so not a competition of who knows your husband best, so don't play that card. A quick, "he's a great husband and is going to be a great daddy, I have no doubt!" is all you need.

Time will fix this. Meantime, practice short, relatively polite responses that demonstrate you're not putting up with their crap, but you're a mature mama who can handle her in-laws lovingly while standing up for her man. Throwing a fit plays into their concerns about immaturity, so take the high road.

Isn't it wonderful when husbands step up to the plate?! Nothing sexier. Never been more in love with my man than these last two trimesters. Enjoy :-)

I usually brush it off and say something like "I think he's going to be a great dad" or just try to laugh and ignore it like it's a joke even though I know it's not. My in-laws frustrate me to no end but I am always as nice as I possibly can because if you can't kill them with anything else, kill 'em with kindness. Makes it easier on DH and that's all I really want, but it still bugs me and I want to handle things before they boil over or I get mad enough to say something I shouldn't.

karaelaine1991

Wtf? What happened to family being supportive? I would be livid if my in-laws treated my husband this way. Is your husband aware that they're making these remarks? I think I would just consistently say how wonderful he's going to be and show as much support toward him as possible. But that's outrageous that they're making comments like that.

frankengibbs

karaelaine1991 said:

Wtf? What happened to family being supportive? I would be livid if my in-laws treated my husband this way. Is your husband aware that they're making these remarks? I think I would just consistently say how wonderful he's going to be and show as much support toward him as possible. But that's outrageous that they're making comments like that.

They usually don't say it when he's in earshot and I don't repeat it because I think it would really upset him to know. But right?! Seriously, if they are soooo worried he's going to be a bad father, shouldn't they be trying to instill him with confidence or at least wait and see before making those comments?

Katerina&Baby

If I were you, the next time they made a comment like that I would cock my head to one side and say (very sweetly) "I feel like you make comments an awful lot about DH not being cut out to be a good father - I know he values your opinion so I think it would really hurt his feelings if he heard you making comments like that. I guess maybe you don't see him at his most gentle but you'll just have to trust me when I say that I have NO doubt that he is going to be a wonderful and very protective dad to our baby." And leave it at that. If they try to backtrack (as they likely will since you're calling them out) just be like "I know you love him - I just figured that you didn't realize that your comments were a little hurtful, that's all" and chance the subject. It will put it in the back of their mind going forward.

frankengibbs

@Katerina&Baby‌ I love it! Polite, direct, but also says I'm not putting up with the bullshit DH bashing anymore. =D>

KaLikeAWind

Yeah, all of these suggestions were great. I don't think I have anything to add, but wanted to tell you I'm sure your daughter will love rolling around the floor wrestling / tickling, playing the princess slaying the dragon, riding his back like a horsey, and learning to competently handle weapons in order to defend herself. It all sounds good to me

frankengibbs

mellymar said:

Yeah, all of these suggestions were great. I don't think I have anything to add, but wanted to tell you I'm sure your daughter will love rolling around the floor wrestling / tickling, playing the princess slaying the dragon, riding his back like a horsey, and learning to competently handle weapons in order to defend herself. It all sounds good to me

Imagining that makes me beyond happy. :x
I think he'll be nervous to hurt her and overly cautious for a while after she's born but will be an excellent father to her from the start. He'll probably end up wrapped around her little finger and that's fine by me.

ksimo6

Listen - having a baby is all on the job training... for both mom and dad.  My husband knew NOTHING about kids before we met and gained very little experience in that arena before we had our daughter... and he rocks as a daddy.  Your husband will find the balance of fun and safe and they will have a great relationship (you already know this).  As for the family, I have to agree with other posters, you need to push it back on them and ask "how do you think my husband would feel if he heard you saying these things about him?" They will feel like real assholes.

annatta79

I had to have a come-to-Jesus with my FIL about how he spoke to my husband. I did mine in a letter since we don't live close, but I told him that he was simply not allowed to speak to my husband in the way that he had been doing. Similar to your situation, he was judging my husband based on who he had been in high school, not as an adult (and high school was a LONG time ago). I told him that if he decided to talk to my husband in that way, then we would leave his presence. If he decided to write those sort of things to my husband, his next letter would return unopened. FIL isn't the sort of person on whom subtlety would work.

So, I say call them out if it really bothers you that much. But check with your husband first! I had him read the letter a bunch before I sent it, I had my SILs read it. Let him know what you want to say and see what he thinks. Then, if he agrees, stand up for him!

frankengibbs

ksimo6 said:

Listen - having a baby is all on the job training... for both mom and dad.  My husband knew NOTHING about kids before we met and gained very little experience in that arena before we had our daughter... and he rocks as a daddy.  Your husband will find the balance of fun and safe and they will have a great relationship (you already know this).  As for the family, I have to agree with other posters, you need to push it back on them and ask "how do you think my husband would feel if he heard you saying these things about him?" They will feel like real assholes.

Thank you... see, I have experience with children being that I am a CP/nanny. My brother has two daughters 1yr and 3mos so babies aren't new to me. Burping, diapering and bottles are easy for me. Although, DH has basically no experience with babies, first baby he ever held was my my youngest niece but seeing him interact with her and how gentle he was, was a beautiful thing. I remember when my brother first became a dad so I know that with the right support, he will do just fine.
But his family, MIL in particular, are a bunch of assholes...I think we just need some space from them.