Dealing with the in laws (and trying not to alienate my husband)

alcaparras

Before baby my relationship with my MIL and FIL was pretty decent, not close, but not problematic.  I have one SIL and honestly I dislike her as I knew her before marrying her brother and she is a self-centered bitch who constantly puts down everyone around her even though she is a total mess with substance abuse, emotional and psychological issues.  So, now my bundle of joy is here and it has become quite the circus.  It all started to go down hill day 2 of my post-delivery hospital stay when my MIL and SIL came to the hospital to meet baby.  They came in the room with baby sleeping in the bassinet and while my MIL just admired baby my SIL inched her fingers toward his face without washing her hands. I asked her to wash her hands because hospitals have so many germs and the baby is so susceptible at this age and she shot me the look of death before going to the sink and rinsing her hands with water (no soap).  SIL then came back to baby and proceeded to begin to stick her finger in the baby's mouth as he yawned.  I snapped at her and told her not to put her finger in the baby's mouth and she again shot me the look of death and stood in the center of the room staring at the far wall not speaking for the rest of the 20 minute visit.  Once I got home I started getting the passive agressive comments from my MIL shrouded as helpful or quizzical statements, mostly directed at me somehow harming the baby by breastfeeding....I should never had told my MIL that baby lost so much birth weight in the hospital before my milk came in because she continually is "concerned about his development" and wants updates immediately after every well visit to be sure he is "developing properly."  I have tried to be understanding of her ignorance as she was brainwashed into thinking that Nestle Foods somehow held the key to human infant development and that formula is undoubtedly the best way to nourish a baby but all of my efforts to make her understand that breastmilk is best have fallen on completely deaf ears.  I have thought about finding some pamphlet on breastfeeding or photocopying some pages from my "What to Expect..." books but I know she either wouldn't read them or it wouldn't matter if she did.  Besides the nonsense from my MIL, I have now had to tell my SIL not to stick her dirty, unwashed index finger in my baby's mouth 3 times!   She is such an egotistical asshole that I think she is hell bent on getting her dirty fingers in baby's mouth just because I dared to tell her not to.  At first, FIL wasn't much of an issue as he seemed content to just talk to the baby while he lay in his car seat or when he was in someone else's arms, but at about 3 mos, FIL decided that he needed to bounce baby on his knee like he was training him to be a rodeo star. I have now had stop FIL from bouncing the baby around 3 times and I cringe to think what he was doing with him those couple of times I left the baby in the care of MIL and FIL before I realized how rough he is with him.  My husband's take on all this is that I am being a bitch, I believe his exact words were "you can be a real bitch sometimes,"  I also have been dealing with my husband insisting that I take the baby to my MIL every week and leave him for a few hours so that she can get her time with him.  At first it seemed like a good idea since I didn't need to be dragging baby around while running errands but now with my maternity leave almost over and knowing that FIL can't seem to tone down the jostling, SIL being called over their house to visit so that I wont' be there when she is and just the general annoyance regarding my MIL's breastfeeding phobia I'm over it and I dont' feel that I can trust baby in their care.  Now if it were just my MIL it would be fine because while her comments annoy me, she is a perfectly capable and loving caregiver, but she also is completely submissive to my FIL and has blinders on regarding my SIL's issues.  I finally blew up and confronted my husband about it and he again put it back on me, saying that "You're just looking for something to be wrong."  Honestly, at this point, I am looking for things to be wrong because they are a bunch of fucking morons who can't take a hint no matter how delicately I try to put it.  I think I finally drove the point home when I pointed out to my husband that he would never take time every week to go visit my family and just take all their nasty comments and stupid actions on the chin.  I also pointed out to him that if he had a problem with my family that I have always dealt with it because they are my family so I know how to deal with them and he shouldn't have to put up with their bullshit without my support.  I asked my husband to please speak to his mother and father before the next visit to their house so that I didn't have to "be the bad guy" all the time and he agreed but he still hasn't.  So, at this point, I don't care anymore about being tactful and trying to maintain a good relationship....next time they do something to piss me off I am going to let the f-bombs fly and tell them how I really feel.  I have polled some of my friends and family about this and while most agree that MIL's can be pretty passive aggressive at times and FIL's can be too rough at times, no one seems to understand my SIL's fascination with needing to stick her fucking fingers in my baby's mouth...I'd be interested to know if anyone else has had that problem!  

victoria+james

Ugh, I actually have a similar situation going on except it's my family and DH that aren't getting along.

My dad also has a tendency to be a little too rough so I feel like I can't even go to the bathroom and leave M with him. It's not that he would try to hurt him... he just seems to have forgotten how fragile babies are before they become rough and tumble toddlers.

My mom I trust with M except that she 100% trusts my dad and would leave M alone with him or just not say anything about him being too rough. She also tells me about things she and my dad did when I was little that I would never be ok with - like putting me to bed and leaving the baby monitor with the neighbor while she and my dad went out. I know she wouldn't do these things with M if I told her not to, but it certainly doesn't instill a lot of confidence either.

As for your SIL... I can't relate there. My sister insists on making sure anything she gets M is organic - so can't really complain. I'd be pissed though if anyone was sticking their hands in M's mouth even if they were washed. To be fair, at 4 months old he's likely to try to put everything in his mouth on his own anyways so he doesn't need anyone helping him.

The only advice I can offer is to talk to your H again about talking to his family. Also if it were me I wouldn't be leaving LO alone with any of them until I felt truly comfortable doing so. I actually haven't left M with my parents (or anyone for that matter) because I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it and H definitely isn't.

apizzlek

My in laws are SO STUPID. If I were you I would tell them to eat a D.

I did that to my MIL and now she leaves me alone. Servz her right!!

alcaparras

My kind of advice! Im starting to wonder how my husband turned out to be so intelligent when he was raised by such morons...

alcaparras

I know im a little over the top with the hand hygiene issue...I work in the healthcare profession so its hard not to be on edge about it when im home
I definitely wont be leaving the baby with the in laws anytime soon...if I have to flip out in order to get them to respect my wishes then they'll have to be content with supervised visits!