Single Moms Raising Boys - Tips?

MeLove15

Any single moms raised boys without hindering their masculinity? My son has had mostly only me for the majority of his life - he sees his father about 4 days a month and I only have my brother and father who are not overly involved. I tried to sign him up for a big brother, but the application was rejected due to his father saying he didn't want him to have one. I try my best to involve him in activities with other males and male role models. However, I feel that he is being targeted as a push over by "rougher" boys, and labeled as feminine. I wouldnt go so far as to acknowledge for myself that he was "gay". I think he just needs more everyday masculine influences. Any advice on what I can do?

anxiousmommy85

Gender, which is what you're referring to, is a very fluid concept (sex being male). I'd simply not worry about the feminine versus the masculine and instead surround him with people who are supportive of him finding his own interests and self-identity. If you're worried about his being picked on by other children, consider a course in self defense.

jbatch

I don't have personal experience with this but my dad lost his dad when he was about ten. He got involved in royal rangers at his church(similar to Boy Scouts) to get that male influence in his life. Do you have a group you could get him involved in that has men that could mentor your son?

littlemermaid

I'm not a single mom but just wanted to say that not all boys are "rough".  Some boys are just naturally more on the sensitive side and it has nothing to do with who they spend time with; it's just who they are.  If he's school age then you could look into your local Boy Scout troops.   If you have a Boys and Girls Club of America near you they offer daytime summer camps you could sign him up for. 

SimpleJane

Boy scouts, sports teams, something to teach self defense like karate.

But like mentioned above, some boys are just more sensitive and mild mannered.

MeLove15

Thanks all for the comments. I have signed him up for boy scouts - just waiting until he turns 8 to start. I will also look to switch him from gymnastics to a sports karate school for the self defense.

He does have more of my mannerisms when it comes to sensitivity (extremely sensitive and emotional) which I agree is perfectly okay. But I am trying to teach him not to overreact to unnecessary things.

Having said that I do feel that he does some things that may be in appropriate for boys, and I believe its because he mostly has me and his sister to mirror. I have initiated talks with his father to have him visiting him for longer periods of time - hoping it will open up opportunities for him to do things more male oriented.

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User123456

MeLove15 said:

Thanks all for the comments. I have signed him up for boy scouts - just waiting until he turns 8 to start. I will also look to switch him from gymnastics to a sports karate school for the self defense.

He does have more of my mannerisms when it comes to sensitivity (extremely sensitive and emotional) which I agree is perfectly okay. But I am trying to teach him not to overreact to unnecessary things.

Having said that I do feel that he does some things that may be in appropriate for boys, and I believe its because he mostly has me and his sister to mirror. I have initiated talks with his father to have him visiting him for longer periods of time - hoping it will open up opportunities for him to do things more male oriented.

Innapropriate for boys? What dos that even mean? Could you be more specific. I think you are projecting a lot of your (old fashioned) beliefs onto your son and I'm certain he would be better served if you instead focused on appreciating who he is, and supporting him fully. For example, not telling him he is overreacting because he is emotional. To him it's not overreacting, it's simply how he's feeling about something. Also what are these male oriented things you speak of?

MeLove15

User123456 said:

MeLove15 said:

Thanks all for the comments. I have signed him up for boy scouts - just waiting until he turns 8 to start. I will also look to switch him from gymnastics to a sports karate school for the self defense.

He does have more of my mannerisms when it comes to sensitivity (extremely sensitive and emotional) which I agree is perfectly okay. But I am trying to teach him not to overreact to unnecessary things.

Having said that I do feel that he does some things that may be in appropriate for boys, and I believe its because he mostly has me and his sister to mirror. I have initiated talks with his father to have him visiting him for longer periods of time - hoping it will open up opportunities for him to do things more male oriented.

Innapropriate for boys? What dos that even mean? Could you be more specific. I think you are projecting a lot of your (old fashioned) beliefs onto your son and I'm certain he would be better served if you instead focused on appreciating who he is, and supporting him fully. For example, not telling him he is overreacting because he is emotional. To him it's not overreacting, it's simply how he's feeling about something. Also what are these male oriented things you speak of?

When my son walks around the house trying to shake his rear or dance like a female, or speak in a female tone that is inappropriate to me. But my point is he is emulating female behaviour because that what he has in front of him constantly. And if the overreaction is simply a projection of his emotions - then he needs to be taught to handle his emotions. Not just as a male but as a being. I'm talking loud outbursts, unnecessary tattling, etc. When I say male oriented I mean - simply hanging with the boys vs being with me and his sister.

Trust me. I love my child for who he is. He is sweet and special. I just want to ensure he has appropriate male influence in his life

TheBorg7of9

Dancing and singing are not "girly" things. And even if he does then in a "girly" way, there is nothing wrong with that either. It doesn't mean that he is gay or straight, and even if he is gay (nothing wrong with that) he was born that way and having more involvement from dad has nothing to do with it. I would work on accepting your son for who he is and not projecting your ideas about what is masculine or feminine on him. if my son likes to shake his booty and hang out with the girls, more power to him. I would shake my booty right along with him. Anyway, I don't really think you have anything to worry about.

User123456

MeLove15 said:

User123456 said:

MeLove15 said:

Thanks all for the comments. I have signed him up for boy scouts - just waiting until he turns 8 to start. I will also look to switch him from gymnastics to a sports karate school for the self defense.

He does have more of my mannerisms when it comes to sensitivity (extremely sensitive and emotional) which I agree is perfectly okay. But I am trying to teach him not to overreact to unnecessary things.

Having said that I do feel that he does some things that may be in appropriate for boys, and I believe its because he mostly has me and his sister to mirror. I have initiated talks with his father to have him visiting him for longer periods of time - hoping it will open up opportunities for him to do things more male oriented.

Innapropriate for boys? What dos that even mean? Could you be more specific. I think you are projecting a lot of your (old fashioned) beliefs onto your son and I'm certain he would be better served if you instead focused on appreciating who he is, and supporting him fully. For example, not telling him he is overreacting because he is emotional. To him it's not overreacting, it's simply how he's feeling about something. Also what are these male oriented things you speak of?

When my son walks around the house trying to shake his rear or dance like a female, or speak in a female tone that is inappropriate to me. But my point is he is emulating female behaviour because that what he has in front of him constantly. And if the overreaction is simply a projection of his emotions - then he needs to be taught to handle his emotions. Not just as a male but as a being. I'm talking loud outbursts, unnecessary tattling, etc. When I say male oriented I mean - simply hanging with the boys vs being with me and his sister.

Trust me. I love my child for who he is. He is sweet and special. I just want to ensure he has appropriate male influence in his life

Once again, it seems you are stuck in a very traditionsl and old fashioned mindset. Why try to change his behavior? It's not harming anyone, it's a kid being a kid.

God you would think my almost 3 year old is entirely inappropriate. He loves cars and trucks and dirt which I'm sure you consider masculine, but he also asks me to paint his nails and just yesterday shopping picked out a couple of "girl shirts" one of which he is wearing right now. Kids don't view things as girl or boy appropriate until you place your bias on them. Be happy that your kid is free to be himself.

MeLove15

TheBorg7of9 said:

Dancing and singing are not "girly" things. And even if he does then in a "girly" way, there is nothing wrong with that either. It doesn't mean that he is gay or straight, and even if he is gay (nothing wrong with that) he was born that way and having more involvement from dad has nothing to do with it. I would work on accepting your son for who he is and not projecting your ideas about what is masculine or feminine on him. if my son likes to shake his booty and hang out with the girls, more power to him. I would shake my booty right along with him. Anyway, I don't really think you have anything to worry about.

User123456 said:

MeLove15 said:

User123456 said:

MeLove15 said:

Thanks all for the comments. I have signed him up for boy scouts - just waiting until he turns 8 to start. I will also look to switch him from gymnastics to a sports karate school for the self defense.

He does have more of my mannerisms when it comes to sensitivity (extremely sensitive and emotional) which I agree is perfectly okay. But I am trying to teach him not to overreact to unnecessary things.

Having said that I do feel that he does some things that may be in appropriate for boys, and I believe its because he mostly has me and his sister to mirror. I have initiated talks with his father to have him visiting him for longer periods of time - hoping it will open up opportunities for him to do things more male oriented.

Innapropriate for boys? What dos that even mean? Could you be more specific. I think you are projecting a lot of your (old fashioned) beliefs onto your son and I'm certain he would be better served if you instead focused on appreciating who he is, and supporting him fully. For example, not telling him he is overreacting because he is emotional. To him it's not overreacting, it's simply how he's feeling about something. Also what are these male oriented things you speak of?

When my son walks around the house trying to shake his rear or dance like a female, or speak in a female tone that is inappropriate to me. But my point is he is emulating female behaviour because that what he has in front of him constantly. And if the overreaction is simply a projection of his emotions - then he needs to be taught to handle his emotions. Not just as a male but as a being. I'm talking loud outbursts, unnecessary tattling, etc. When I say male oriented I mean - simply hanging with the boys vs being with me and his sister.

Trust me. I love my child for who he is. He is sweet and special. I just want to ensure he has appropriate male influence in his life

Once again, it seems you are stuck in a very traditionsl and old fashioned mindset. Why try to change his behavior? It's not harming anyone, it's a kid being a kid.

God you would think my almost 3 year old is entirely inappropriate. He loves cars and trucks and dirt which I'm sure you consider masculine, but he also asks me to paint his nails and just yesterday shopping picked out a couple of "girl shirts" one of which he is wearing right now. Kids don't view things as girl or boy appropriate until you place your bias on them. Be happy that your kid is free to be himself.

Do you paint his nails?

Honestly although I have thought things to myself in the past, I think I may be feeling pressured by others who think his behaviour is gay. I have tried to raise both my children to be free in who they are - I guess I just wasn't expecting so much ridicule from others. And you're right. I am now suppressing his individuality by telling him what is appropriate gender wise. So I appreciate yours and the comment above. He doesn't even truly know what gay is

Having said that, I still want him to have male influences. Someone he can trust and talk to about things I can't answer. I've reached out to a mentoring organisation that provides mentors through schools. I had tried to get him a big brother but his father hindered the application from going through. I just feel alone with no where to go sometimes - trying to do the best for my kids.

Thanks for your input.

User123456

MeLove15 said:

TheBorg7of9 said:

Dancing and singing are not "girly" things. And even if he does then in a "girly" way, there is nothing wrong with that either. It doesn't mean that he is gay or straight, and even if he is gay (nothing wrong with that) he was born that way and having more involvement from dad has nothing to do with it. I would work on accepting your son for who he is and not projecting your ideas about what is masculine or feminine on him. if my son likes to shake his booty and hang out with the girls, more power to him. I would shake my booty right along with him. Anyway, I don't really think you have anything to worry about.

User123456 said:

MeLove15 said:

User123456 said:

MeLove15 said:

Thanks all for the comments. I have signed him up for boy scouts - just waiting until he turns 8 to start. I will also look to switch him from gymnastics to a sports karate school for the self defense.

He does have more of my mannerisms when it comes to sensitivity (extremely sensitive and emotional) which I agree is perfectly okay. But I am trying to teach him not to overreact to unnecessary things.

Having said that I do feel that he does some things that may be in appropriate for boys, and I believe its because he mostly has me and his sister to mirror. I have initiated talks with his father to have him visiting him for longer periods of time - hoping it will open up opportunities for him to do things more male oriented.

Innapropriate for boys? What dos that even mean? Could you be more specific. I think you are projecting a lot of your (old fashioned) beliefs onto your son and I'm certain he would be better served if you instead focused on appreciating who he is, and supporting him fully. For example, not telling him he is overreacting because he is emotional. To him it's not overreacting, it's simply how he's feeling about something. Also what are these male oriented things you speak of?

When my son walks around the house trying to shake his rear or dance like a female, or speak in a female tone that is inappropriate to me. But my point is he is emulating female behaviour because that what he has in front of him constantly. And if the overreaction is simply a projection of his emotions - then he needs to be taught to handle his emotions. Not just as a male but as a being. I'm talking loud outbursts, unnecessary tattling, etc. When I say male oriented I mean - simply hanging with the boys vs being with me and his sister.

Trust me. I love my child for who he is. He is sweet and special. I just want to ensure he has appropriate male influence in his life

Once again, it seems you are stuck in a very traditionsl and old fashioned mindset. Why try to change his behavior? It's not harming anyone, it's a kid being a kid.

God you would think my almost 3 year old is entirely inappropriate. He loves cars and trucks and dirt which I'm sure you consider masculine, but he also asks me to paint his nails and just yesterday shopping picked out a couple of "girl shirts" one of which he is wearing right now. Kids don't view things as girl or boy appropriate until you place your bias on them. Be happy that your kid is free to be himself.

Do you paint his nails?

Honestly although I have thought things to myself in the past, I think I may be feeling pressured by others who think his behaviour is gay. I have tried to raise both my children to be free in who they are - I guess I just wasn't expecting so much ridicule from others. And you're right. I am now suppressing his individuality by telling him what is appropriate gender wise. So I appreciate yours and the comment above. He doesn't even truly know what gay is

Having said that, I still want him to have male influences. Someone he can trust and talk to about things I can't answer. I've reached out to a mentoring organisation that provides mentors through schools. I had tried to get him a big brother but his father hindered the application from going through. I just feel alone with no where to go sometimes - trying to do the best for my kids.

Thanks for your input.

Yes I do, for him it's just neat to have color on his finger and toe nails. He has no concept of masculine or feminine. He sorts through all my nail polish and picks the colors he wants, he even has some of his own (colors I don't use like Orange and green and bright blue).


And wanting more male role models for your son is totally okay. I was more offended by your reasoning about masculinity and femininity. I hope you do find some support and more role models for you and your son!

Please do though, appreciate your son for who he is and remember acting as you see to be feminine has no indication of him being gay. Kids don't have the same rules as adults do about what is for boys and what is for girls. So just love him either way, I totally admire the freeness that kids have to be themelves.

2-Step

I have two boys, both of which have many male influences in their life. In fact, I seek out girls for them to play with because they have a very involved father, four uncles, three grandpas, all of which are very involved in their lives and even stay at our home with us often for weekends. All of these men are very into sports and rough housing and everything else that is stereotypically male. My boys are totally different from each other and have been since birth. One is a rough, crazy, superhero loving boy that wants to shoot arrows at bad guys all day and the other is a very sensitive, emotional child, but is obsessed with sports and competition. BOTH of them will ask to have their nails painted and take interest in dancing and trying on my high heels and goofing off in them. They are just exploring life. I can understand your worry because maybe since you have nothing to compare it to you assume you are having some sort of negative influence over your son that could be considered wrong. Don't give yourself that much credit he is who he is and will be an amazing person no matter what, if you support him in who he is. My son told me the other day - some boys like girl things and some girls like boy things - so that means there really are no girl things or boy things, just things. I was so proud of his little five year old self for that. I've never said it to him, but he figured it out, which made me think I was doing something right.