SO driving me up a wall

jenbueschel

My fiance and I have been together for a few years, and he has 2 kids from a previous marriage. We have the kids on weds nights from 4 to 7 and then every other weekend. He works every Saturday, so every other Saturday the kids and I play and spend time together. On Sundays, when I think he should take over kid duty, since that is the main day he gets to spend with the kids, he finds reasons to have to go to the store or run errands by himself. On holiday weekends that we have the kids, like this one, we get the extra day with the kids. While I think great he will get to spend more time with them, he turns around and acts the same, needs to run errands or as he is right now, taking his second nap of the day. The kids constantly are saying that they miss daddy and currently have been asking him if he is sleeping, he opens an eye says no he is just relaxing...even though we all hear him snoring like a freight train. What irritates me is that, while I love spending time with these two great kids, I feel that he is missing out and has said on multiple occasions how I am going to be the step mom soon so I should get used to taking care of them. He also will go from over coddling them to yelling at them for small things. Its either hot or seriously cold. I have tried to talk to him about things, but he always makes excuses for his actions. Things like he works a lot and is tired.. (he works a desk job 4 days a week, but I work 5 days a week from 7 to 7 and then take care of the household as well. I guess I am feeling overwhelmed with everything and fed up with him taking the selfish route on parenting and our relationship. One would think that if you only get to see your children for 1 day a week and every other weekend, you would make that time a priority. 

Also being a FTM myself, I am not able to rest or take the me time I should be, because he is putting himself first. Even things that should be exciting and fun, like registry shopping or setting up a nursery have been pushed aside because he doesn't want to make time for them, but then tells me he has to be there for the shopping and picking things out. Also, he made the comment tonight that I only make plans that suit me and should care more about what he wants. When in reality our every day and schedule is set around what he wants/needs first. I feel like I am missing out on some of the better parts of being pregnant so I can take care of him and the kids. I don't think its ok for him to make me out to be selfish when I am putting his life before anything else, including being there for the kids. 

Not looking for advice really, just needing to vent! 

cole2144

There are red flags everywhere here. If you were not pregnant, I would tell you to get out as fast as you can. As it stands, I would have a come to Jesus talk with your SO and tell him if he does not straighten up, you will walk away.

twister22

Does he even care about actually spending time with his kids?! Cole is right, there are red flags everywhere. I would most definitely tell him he needs to change his ways or you will be out the door.

I will suggest that YOU start finding things to do and errands to run yourself on Sundays. Force him to actually spend quality time with his kids. Next time he claims he needs to run an errand while the kids are there, why not suggest that you run it for him or that he wait until the kids are back with BM?

jenbueschel

Things have been up and down for a long time, but the months before I got pregnant were the best times we had together. Everything was going really well. It's like once he found out I was pregnant he did a 180 on me. I have tried to talk to him, and in the moment he seems to understand and agree with me. Then at the last min he will change his mind and throw a fit if he does not get his way. 

I have had many internal conversations with myself about how I do not want this for myself or for my baby coming into this world. Also how I cannot understand why the two kids he has already aren't more of a priority for him. Then part of me thinks, you've made your bed so it's time to lie in it. 

One part that makes it so hard is that the kids are so excited to have their new baby brother so leaving seems even harder. I know I will keep working at it just wish it was a bit easier.

dmndsr4eva

I really doubt that these red flags were not there before you got pregnant.  Really he was a perfect dad to those kids before?  I find it hard to imagine a dad would go from loving and attentive to this overnight. 

I would have a really difficult time taking care of my SO's kids while he was running errands and taking naps all weekend.  Um no.  I don't know what the answer here is but this is definitely a problem.  I tend to think that he was already putting the kid burden on you and you just started to get miffed with it now.  Which now that you are pregnant it is really too late.

In my own personal experience my ex would sleep in late until 9 or 10 on his days off when I would be up with our son at 6 am.  It was a huge red flag and sure enough a year later he left me.  Obvisouly he cared about himself more than having a family.  He had kids from another marriage that he would see when it was convienient.  He paid child support and saw them once a week or so but it was the mom and step dad who were taking them to doctors appts, registering them for school, doing home work, the nitty gritty while he was pretty much the fun Disney dad.  Which I realized after it was too late.

Nineoceans

This is how he is going to act with your child too. The blessing of being in a blended family is you actually get to see if the man you're with will be a good dad or not...I'm sorry but what were you thinking bringing another child into this situation?