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Blended Families
AlixDahl
member
Can we work this out?
AlixDahl
member
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. He has a 2 year old son from his previous relationship that he has Tuesday/Wednesday and every other weekend. I am divorced with no children of my own, but I raised my sister's son for her most of his life and he is now thirteen, and I am currently caring full-time for my brother's son who is now 11 months. I consider these boys to be "my kids".
My boyfriend and I have been able to settle every relationship issue we've ever had, except this one about parenting style/tactics.
I finally got him to accept that my kids do count as parenting experience even though they aren't biologically mine, but other than that we've made no progress.
He feels that I am "too strict" with my kids and I "expect too much of them".
I feel he alternates between being loud and terrifying and being a pushover.
I do things like, when I know the baby is tired and not hungry, thirsty, wet, scared, etc and they are fighting sleep I will let them fuss until they go to sleep on their own; my boyfriend will go and talk to his son and get him out of bed and let him stay up longer until it gets to the point where he will also be tired and frustrated and then he will yell.
I have been teaching the baby what "No" means since he was old enough to get into things by saying "no" and taking him away from whatever he's into (like the cats water bowl).
My boyfriend says that is "stupid" because "he's a baby" and I can't teach him these things until he's older.
I've told the thirteen year old that although his hair is his own, he needs to wash it and brush it or we're getting it cut so he doesn't look greasy.
My boyfriend thinks that I should let him do whatever he wants because he's a teenage boy.
I started reading to both my kids when they were about 6 months old and I feel that the "cuddle time" and language skills they get out of it are very important. I'm not a strict scheduler but I always make time for this activity once a day.
My boyfriend feels that this is uneccesary because the baby is too young to "get anything out of it" and has never read to his son.
I play with the baby and I also let him bop around and play on his own. Probably about a 50/50 split for him between playing by himself and playing with me.
I also don't use "baby talk".
My boyfriend speaks constant baby talk to his son, he says because kids like it. And he does not play one-on-one with his son. He will pick him and make woosh noises sometimes, but he doesn't read with him or play games with him.
I agree that I do expect a certain standard of behavior from my kids, by they are both happy and they live up to that standard. I don't yell or hit. I even asked my 13 year old if he ever felt, as far back as he cared to remember, if he ever thought I was "too strict" with him and he thought about it and said "No. I mostly remember having fun and making bread and stuff with you. And playing monster." (That's when I would chase him around the house and then tickle him when I caught him.)
My boyfriend's son, the two year old, is in my honest opinion, pretty bratty. I love him and I play with him and spend time with him like I do my own kids, but he is very difficult.
If you take him into any store, he will scream and cry and throw himself on the floor if you don't buy him anything; his dad allows him to pull things off of the store shelves and sit on toilet paper packages and things I wouldn't let my kids do; he barely speaks, and I feel like this is partially because both his parents speak for him; he will bite, punch, and kick his father; if he gets told not to touch something or not to do something he will grab the nearest object and throw it as hard as he can; he throws screaming, falling-in-the-floor, full body convulsion style tantrums at least two times a day, sometimes more, and in response to it he usually gets what he wants because my boyfriend is trying to make him stop screaming. I am often embarrassed in public when I am with the two of them together because of the child's behavior and my boyfriend either giving in to it or shouting something like "shut up right damn now!" And hauling his son to the car.
I feel that my boyfriend has issues with a lack of discipline and that is why his son behaves this way. It's worked every time, why should he stop? My boyfriend will also often get frustrated and yell at his son, which I do not like at all.
I had a verbally and sometimes physically abusive father. (And an amazing mother) and my boyfriend had a verbally abusive, always yelling father. I feel that with that similarity in our backgrounds he should understand why I can't stand it. He will say that he gets frustrated and doesn't "know what else to do" but refuse to accept any suggestions or help offered by me or his friends and relatives.
So far we've kind of each let the other handle discipline for our own kids, but now that my little one is getting older I've noticed him copying the behavior of my boyfriend's son, which I find VERY worrisome. Not only do I not want him picking up bad habits, but I also worry about the conflict that may arise when they kids see that they are disciplined differently and have different rules to follow. I don't want either me nor my boyfriend to be put in the position of being the "bad guy" all the time, and I don't want the kids to feel like they are being treated unfairly and resent that or us.
My boyfriend has also said things like "if/when we have kids..." And I love my boyfriend, and I would be more than fine with having children, I often feel like it would be impossible for us to reach some kind of workable middle ground as parents. Also that might mutate into a THIRD parenting style that the kids (his, mine and ours) might have issues with.
I also feel that by being excluded from the disciplinary side of things with his child I'm sort of just supposed to let stuff I don't like or agree with just happen in my own home. I want to be a proper step-parent for this child, but I'm not allowed any authority or "adult" status, and I think he views me as some other big kid that his dad is probably in charge of.
Has anyone else experienced a situation like this? How did (or didn't) you blend your parenting styles? How did it work? What about if there was a new baby in the mix? Any advice/suggestions/constructive criticism would be very much appreciated.
My boyfriend and I have been able to settle every relationship issue we've ever had, except this one about parenting style/tactics.
I finally got him to accept that my kids do count as parenting experience even though they aren't biologically mine, but other than that we've made no progress.
He feels that I am "too strict" with my kids and I "expect too much of them".
I feel he alternates between being loud and terrifying and being a pushover.
I do things like, when I know the baby is tired and not hungry, thirsty, wet, scared, etc and they are fighting sleep I will let them fuss until they go to sleep on their own; my boyfriend will go and talk to his son and get him out of bed and let him stay up longer until it gets to the point where he will also be tired and frustrated and then he will yell.
I have been teaching the baby what "No" means since he was old enough to get into things by saying "no" and taking him away from whatever he's into (like the cats water bowl).
My boyfriend says that is "stupid" because "he's a baby" and I can't teach him these things until he's older.
I've told the thirteen year old that although his hair is his own, he needs to wash it and brush it or we're getting it cut so he doesn't look greasy.
My boyfriend thinks that I should let him do whatever he wants because he's a teenage boy.
I started reading to both my kids when they were about 6 months old and I feel that the "cuddle time" and language skills they get out of it are very important. I'm not a strict scheduler but I always make time for this activity once a day.
My boyfriend feels that this is uneccesary because the baby is too young to "get anything out of it" and has never read to his son.
I play with the baby and I also let him bop around and play on his own. Probably about a 50/50 split for him between playing by himself and playing with me.
I also don't use "baby talk".
My boyfriend speaks constant baby talk to his son, he says because kids like it. And he does not play one-on-one with his son. He will pick him and make woosh noises sometimes, but he doesn't read with him or play games with him.
I agree that I do expect a certain standard of behavior from my kids, by they are both happy and they live up to that standard. I don't yell or hit. I even asked my 13 year old if he ever felt, as far back as he cared to remember, if he ever thought I was "too strict" with him and he thought about it and said "No. I mostly remember having fun and making bread and stuff with you. And playing monster." (That's when I would chase him around the house and then tickle him when I caught him.)
My boyfriend's son, the two year old, is in my honest opinion, pretty bratty. I love him and I play with him and spend time with him like I do my own kids, but he is very difficult.
If you take him into any store, he will scream and cry and throw himself on the floor if you don't buy him anything; his dad allows him to pull things off of the store shelves and sit on toilet paper packages and things I wouldn't let my kids do; he barely speaks, and I feel like this is partially because both his parents speak for him; he will bite, punch, and kick his father; if he gets told not to touch something or not to do something he will grab the nearest object and throw it as hard as he can; he throws screaming, falling-in-the-floor, full body convulsion style tantrums at least two times a day, sometimes more, and in response to it he usually gets what he wants because my boyfriend is trying to make him stop screaming. I am often embarrassed in public when I am with the two of them together because of the child's behavior and my boyfriend either giving in to it or shouting something like "shut up right damn now!" And hauling his son to the car.
I feel that my boyfriend has issues with a lack of discipline and that is why his son behaves this way. It's worked every time, why should he stop? My boyfriend will also often get frustrated and yell at his son, which I do not like at all.
I had a verbally and sometimes physically abusive father. (And an amazing mother) and my boyfriend had a verbally abusive, always yelling father. I feel that with that similarity in our backgrounds he should understand why I can't stand it. He will say that he gets frustrated and doesn't "know what else to do" but refuse to accept any suggestions or help offered by me or his friends and relatives.
So far we've kind of each let the other handle discipline for our own kids, but now that my little one is getting older I've noticed him copying the behavior of my boyfriend's son, which I find VERY worrisome. Not only do I not want him picking up bad habits, but I also worry about the conflict that may arise when they kids see that they are disciplined differently and have different rules to follow. I don't want either me nor my boyfriend to be put in the position of being the "bad guy" all the time, and I don't want the kids to feel like they are being treated unfairly and resent that or us.
My boyfriend has also said things like "if/when we have kids..." And I love my boyfriend, and I would be more than fine with having children, I often feel like it would be impossible for us to reach some kind of workable middle ground as parents. Also that might mutate into a THIRD parenting style that the kids (his, mine and ours) might have issues with.
I also feel that by being excluded from the disciplinary side of things with his child I'm sort of just supposed to let stuff I don't like or agree with just happen in my own home. I want to be a proper step-parent for this child, but I'm not allowed any authority or "adult" status, and I think he views me as some other big kid that his dad is probably in charge of.
Has anyone else experienced a situation like this? How did (or didn't) you blend your parenting styles? How did it work? What about if there was a new baby in the mix? Any advice/suggestions/constructive criticism would be very much appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can we work this out?
Do his parents agree with your style? Sometimes coming from someone else he loves and trust he might not think so negatively of it. Even if they didn't have the same style as you if they don't see anything wrong with it they may be able to help him come around. Maybe yall could both read a few parenting books and come up with your own way together to do things. Good luck!