New to the Blended Family Thing - wait, am I even family?

MeLove15

How much interaction from your partners ex's is acceptable to your family? My partner's kids mothers (4 of them) are very active in his life, while I, for the most part, feel left out of the "family". He runs to their assistance at every request, even though they all have boyfriends and fiancés. They are ALWAYS around. If the kids have activities, and the mothers need a lift, they can call him - while I must be displaced in my own car because there is no space for me in the vehicle (if I'm even invited at all).  Recently we started discussing moving in together, and an issue for him is my discontent with having them drop by the house (and hang around) whenever they please.

I am all for having a good relationship for the children's sake. I myself have a fairly decent relationship with his kids mothers. But I do get antsy when I feel they are more important to him than I am. Is this something I should get over and embrace? What is acceptable?

WLJ2

This is not a situation I would want myself in. I'm all for having a open relationship with my sons dad however I do not call him when I am in distress.I do not expect him to do things for me. And I would not be okay with my significant other doing the things it sounds like yours is.but that's just my opinion.

FinallyHappy84

Hello!
First, I just want to make sure that I'm understanding correctly that your SO has 4 different BMs? If so, then how many children does he have?
Secondly, no this is not something you get over and embrace if you're not comfortable with living like this long term. If it's not acceptable to you now it won't be later either. Some might find it okay but IMO none of these situations that you're describing would be anywhere close to okay with me.
I would sit down with your SO and ask why at every whim and whistle he's at all 4 of BMs calls, especially since they all have relationships of their own. Also be honest of how your feeling, if you no longer want to move in together,serious boundaries you want set about BMs, etc.
One last thing, don't get displaced from your own vehicle. If SO needs it but you're not invited, so be it but, BMs aren't going to take your place. Remember just because you're a blended family means you're as polite as can be especially in front of the children but you are no one's doormat so stand up for yourself as well. Good luck!

Mkherren12

I'm so glad I reread your post. I had completely misread it. This is a tough one. It sounds like he is really too busy for you atm. Imo if a man cares for.you he shows it period. Sometimes they get preoccupied and need a reminder but that's about it. It should be like you have to remind him every day or week.

If I were you I'd have a serious talk with him and let him know that this as a major issue. He needs to grasp the seriousness of the situation. If he truly cares he will listen and try to find a solution. If not it may be time to move on. This isn't going to change an if he can't help make it better then your waiting your time with him.

MeLove15

Thanks for your responses. I really just needed to know if I was being irrational in not wanting this to be an ongoing part of my life. The past three months have been horrible for my relationship as I have battled dealing with these situations every time they arrived. I am 8 months preggers and have decided to take a back seat. I cannot stress myself anymore and need to process the possibility that I may not be in this relationship forever.

That said, I do believe we can make it through this. The less I stress, the less bad it all seems to be. I think I need to give him his space to adjust, and all the while I need to keep my distance from events that are going to cause me to have an attitude. One day he'll realize that I should be the queen to his hiearchy. And until then, I won't purport to be the last in the ranks. I know he cares, hes just used to living his life this way. When he realizes he can not maintain a successful relationship involving so many other women, he would be able to place appropriate boundaries. Hopefully its with me, but i have come to terms that it may not. He has to change because something within him urges him to, not because i cant accept the way he lives his life.

+just+j+

Run.

twister22

MUD

CurlyQ284

Something tells me he isn't capable of maintaining successful relationships. I would have nothing to do with this. Like I would never have gotten together with this guy in the first place but I guess it's too late for that.

MeLove15

CurlyQ284 said:

Something tells me he isn't capable of maintaining successful relationships. I would have nothing to do with this. Like I would never have gotten together with this guy in the first place but I guess it's too late for that.

In hindsight I do agree. Now I have to live with the decision I made.

Sigir

MeLove15 said:

Something tells me he isn't capable of maintaining successful relationships. I would have nothing to do with this. Like I would never have gotten together with this guy in the first place but I guess it's too late for that.

In hindsight I do agree. Now I have to live with the decision I made.

Not really.  Being a single mom is not that bad.  It's better than being disrespected and not valued.  Do you want your child to grow up thinking that the situation you are in is normal, and modelling his or her future relationships after this?  Unless things change dramatically (and there is no reason to think that they will), your child will learn that it's ok to have children with 4+ different women without committing to any one of them, and that it's ok to live life without any consequences.  

You do have the power to break this cycle and set up the best possible chance for success for your child by ending the relationship.  Honestly, ending the relationship is your best bet for saving it, because this d-bag has no reason to change his ways unless he loses you.  There is a slight chance if you break up with him that he might come to his senses and change his ways to get you back.  

Choose your child and dump this loser.

MeLove15

Sigir said:

MeLove15 said:

CurlyQ284 said:

Something tells me he isn't capable of maintaining successful relationships. I would have nothing to do with this. Like I would never have gotten together with this guy in the first place but I guess it's too late for that.

In hindsight I do agree. Now I have to live with the decision I made.

Not really.  Being a single mom is not that bad.  It's better than being disrespected and not valued.  Do you want your child to grow up thinking that the situation you are in is normal, and modelling his or her future relationships after this?  Unless things change dramatically (and there is no reason to think that they will), your child will learn that it's ok to have children with 4+ different women without committing to any one of them, and that it's ok to live life without any consequences.  

You do have the power to break this cycle and set up the best possible chance for success for your child by ending the relationship.  Honestly, ending the relationship is your best bet for saving it, because this d-bag has no reason to change his ways unless he loses you.  There is a slight chance if you break up with him that he might come to his senses and change his ways to get you back.  

Choose your child and dump this loser.

Thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by saying that I have to live with the decision that I made. That I may have to bring this child into a single parent family (although he will always play an active role in her life - he's great at being a parent)

+just+j+

Honestly....I am trying to figure out hiw he can effectively parent and be a good dad to all five kids eith five different mothers.

He can't. How do I know this? I married and divorced a guy with four kids and 3 different mothers. I also had a child with him. I did not have to deal with all of the BMs because all but one of his kids were all adults when we married, but I can only imagine what he is juggling.

Don't be so sure on that count. Being a good dad also means having the sense to stop having children when your record on wives/mothers is bad.


I learned the hard way. Cut uour loses now and fast. I am a single mom and am very happily and successfully raising my child without much assistance from her EOWE father. Set your expectstions low.

dmndsr4eva

I think your first problem is dating a man who has had kids with 4 different women and not maintained a marriage/commitment to any of them.  What hope is there for you?  Are you planning a future with him?  The best way to predict a person's future behavior is by their past behavior.  If you have a kid with him odds are it will not work out in your favor. 

And the relationship you describe is not acceptable for a man in a relationship.  He should not drop everything to go help these other women.  They are adults and should be able to function and take care of the child during their time without his assistance.  He should be spending time with his kids and attending their school functions and sports, etc but you as his gf you should be at his side for most of these times.  Not him at the side of the various baby mamas.

If I were you I would move on.  This situation seems like more than anyone should have to  put up with.

MeLove15

+just+j+ said:

Honestly....I am trying to figure out hiw he can effectively parent and be a good dad to all five kids eith five different mothers.

He can't. How do I know this? I married and divorced a guy with four kids and 3 different mothers. I also had a child with him. I did not have to deal with all of the BMs because all but one of his kids were all adults when we married, but I can only imagine what he is juggling.

Don't be so sure on that count. Being a good dad also means having the sense to stop having children when your record on wives/mothers is bad.


I learned the hard way. Cut uour loses now and fast. I am a single mom and am very happily and successfully raising my child without much assistance from her EOWE father. Set your expectstions low.

He is an AWESOME father, this I know as FACT. He has custody of four of the six - the remaining two are grown - and he had them as kids too.

MeLove15

dmndsr4eva said:

I think your first problem is dating a man who has had kids with 4 different women and not maintained a marriage/commitment to any of them.  What hope is there for you?  Are you planning a future with him?  The best way to predict a person's future behavior is by their past behavior.  If you have a kid with him odds are it will not work out in your favor. 

And the relationship you describe is not acceptable for a man in a relationship.  He should not drop everything to go help these other women.  They are adults and should be able to function and take care of the child during their time without his assistance.  He should be spending time with his kids and attending their school functions and sports, etc but you as his gf you should be at his side for most of these times.  Not him at the side of the various baby mamas.

If I were you I would move on.  This situation seems like more than anyone should have to  put up with.

Thank you. I value your response.

twister22

MeLove15 said:

Honestly....I am trying to figure out hiw he can effectively parent and be a good dad to all five kids eith five different mothers. He can't. How do I know this? I married and divorced a guy with four kids and 3 different mothers. I also had a child with him. I did not have to deal with all of the BMs because all but one of his kids were all adults when we married, but I can only imagine what he is juggling. Don't be so sure on that count. Being a good dad also means having the sense to stop having children when your record on wives/mothers is bad. I learned the hard way. Cut uour loses now and fast. I am a single mom and am very happily and successfully raising my child without much assistance from her EOWE father. Set your expectstions low.

He is an AWESOME father, this I know as FACT. He has custody of four of the six - the remaining two are grown - and he had them as kids too.

He is the custodial parent of 4 kids? As in, they live with him on a near full time basis? Why does he run to the BM's assistance if he has the kids? I'm confused.

MeLove15

twister22 said:

MeLove15 said:

Honestly....I am trying to figure out hiw he can effectively parent and be a good dad to all five kids eith five different mothers.

He can't. How do I know this? I married and divorced a guy with four kids and 3 different mothers. I also had a child with him. I did not have to deal with all of the BMs because all but one of his kids were all adults when we married, but I can only imagine what he is juggling.

Don't be so sure on that count. Being a good dad also means having the sense to stop having children when your record on wives/mothers is bad.


I learned the hard way. Cut uour loses now and fast. I am a single mom and am very happily and successfully raising my child without much assistance from her EOWE father. Set your expectstions low.

He is an AWESOME father, this I know as FACT. He has custody of four of the six - the remaining two are grown - and he had them as kids too.

He is the custodial parent of 4 kids? As in, they live with him on a near full time basis? Why does he run to the BM's assistance if he has the kids? I'm confused.

He assists them in supporting their own kids. As in they don't have transportation to attend an event for the kids so he goes and gets them. Or they end up spending a whole day with him because they don't have transportation to get back home. Or there's no water at their house so they can't wash clothes. Etc. Etc. He says whatever benefits the kids. Which I completely get. But when it amounts to the mothers not taking any real responsibility it bothers me.

dmndsr4eva

This situation just continues to baffle me.  Typically when a man has children all over the place like this he is not the primary/custodial parent for any of them.  I just can't wrap my head around this.  Really I could NOT handle this situation.  Kudos to you if you stick it out.  How does the man hold down a job and take care of 4 children and chauffer all of his exes around?  And has a GF who is pregnant.   Just wow! 

MeLove15

dmndsr4eva said:

This situation just continues to baffle me.  Typically when a man has children all over the place like this he is not the primary/custodial parent for any of them.  I just can't wrap my head around this.  Really I could NOT handle this situation.  Kudos to you if you stick it out.  How does the man hold down a job and take care of 4 children and chauffer all of his exes around?  And has a GF who is pregnant.   Just wow! 

I get you. Its strange. But my relationship prior to him was also with a custodial father. I love kids and think I'm an awesome mother! I guess Im attracted to guys that are the same way! He definitely deserves father of the year EVERY year. He works for himself, so that is how he has the time.

We seem to be working through this. I have altered my attitude (but not what i expect and accept) and he is being more inclusive of me in his "family" activities. He is actively pursuing our living together in the near future. I'm not eagerly awaiting the day though. Just taking it slow and letting things unfold naturally, while holding MYSELF to the standards i desire from a relationship.

twister22

MeLove15 said:

MeLove15 said:

Honestly....I am trying to figure out hiw he can effectively parent and be a good dad to all five kids eith five different mothers. He can't. How do I know this? I married and divorced a guy with four kids and 3 different mothers. I also had a child with him. I did not have to deal with all of the BMs because all but one of his kids were all adults when we married, but I can only imagine what he is juggling. Don't be so sure on that count. Being a good dad also means having the sense to stop having children when your record on wives/mothers is bad. I learned the hard way. Cut uour loses now and fast. I am a single mom and am very happily and successfully raising my child without much assistance from her EOWE father. Set your expectstions low.

He is an AWESOME father, this I know as FACT. He has custody of four of the six - the remaining two are grown - and he had them as kids too.

He is the custodial parent of 4 kids? As in, they live with him on a near full time basis? Why does he run to the BM's assistance if he has the kids? I'm confused.

He assists them in supporting their own kids. As in they don't have transportation to attend an event for the kids so he goes and gets them. Or they end up spending a whole day with him because they don't have transportation to get back home. Or there's no water at their house so they can't wash clothes. Etc. Etc. He says whatever benefits the kids. Which I completely get. But when it amounts to the mothers not taking any real responsibility it bothers me.

Not having running water is neglect. Not having any form of transportation is extremely irresponsible. Honestly, if I were your SO I would file to have the BMs have their time reduced even more, especially if they are incapable of taking care of their children without your SO physically there.

foxalicia

All I can say is I would leave and never turn back. Not even poor him on the birth certificate. If he has custody of all his kids he will probably end up with yours when you so split. I could not be with someone who spends time with his ex's all the time. I must be his priority at all times. His ex's come last always. They have kids with other people that's there problem. If I needed my ex to help me with my other kids that are not his it works be a paid service.as in I would hire him to assist me. And only if that was my only option. Good luck with your relationship! I hope you figure things out

mic411

This situation sounds very unhealthy and unstable to be a part of. I agree with a lot of the things some of the other posters have said....and in addition, by staying with him, what example are you setting for your unborn child? The fact that he has 6 kids and another on the way by many different women is a huge red flag.

I wouldn't really say you guys are a blended family per say, he doesn't put you first he is running backand forth to his BM's its just unhealthy unhealthy unhealthy. 

As a woman, you should require higher standards for yourself and your baby.

Suiiening

This is a really tough one. In reality, yes, his kids come first. But since they are all old enough and have husbands and fiances then I do understand that they seem to "need" him more than normal. It almost looks like they are taking advantage of their dad. I think if this was balanced out, like special time allotted for them and emergencies and then the rest of the time is home with you may work. Try to communicate with him about this and see if you two can come to terms on what is acceptable attention from dad and when it is not.

Buninthe0ven815

I really struggled with this when DH and I first started dating. He has two children (then ages 4 & 6) who have different moms. The 6yo's mom had it together then - was married and had two other children with her husband. The 4yo's mom was (and still is) a train wreck - she's a drug user and manipulates the hell out of every situation. 

DH (then just my bf) was running to her aid at every opportunity because he felt she was a "good person" who had just made some bad decisions. He didn't get that she didn't have any other support because she had burned bridges due to her drug use and manipulation. He'd pick her up and take her places that didn't have anything to do with their child and sometimes, would break plans with me to help her out. He "loaned" her a ton of money, which also impacted us because of course, we never got anything back. 

Finally, about a year in, I got fed up and told him how I felt about it. He agreed to only provide her transportation when the child was involved (i.e.: he would pick her up when the kiddo was with her) and we would buy a bag of groceries when she needed food in the house (also, only when the child was there), but we wouldn't give her money or a gift card so that she could use/trade it for drugs. We also had to stop giving her receipts when we bought clothing for the child because mom would take them back to the store for the cash. FWIW, we've had custody of the younger child for the past 3 years and things are significantly better.  

I see a lot of comments from others advising you to leave him because he has 4BM, etc. but I don't think that alone is a deal breaker. Have a conversation with him and see if you guys can come to some compromises. Best wishes to you.