"That Bond"

KevinandJesse

I was with some of my parent friends and they were talking about "that bond" they have with their child... the one where they can tell when the baby is crying for attention, when they need something, how they can tell what their baby needs when they cry... on and on. They were talking about how they believe it is a genetic bond... I don't think they were intentionally trying to say something hurtful, but as a soon to be adoptive father it got me wondering... Will I have that bond with my baby? Can I develop it or is it genetic? Was hoping to hear from some adoptive parents on your feelings.

JWinCT

I have 2 biological children and I honestly don't think it's genetic at all. You develop that bond as you spend time with and get to know your child; it is not instantaneous. At least, it wasn't for me. I felt guilty for not feeling that bond you always hear about right away, and then when I talked to other parents, it made me feel better to know it's normal.

I 100% believe you you will develop that bond with your baby. It's developed by love and time, not genetics.

alishakay

I myself wouldn't consider knowing if my baby is crying because he is hungry or because he is tired or because he is teething an actual "bond". I feel as if a bond is maybe when you're getting to know this child and actually being able to get them to stop crying. I don't see where genetics would play a part in this. Do you have a bond with everyone you are genetically tied to? Do they know you're adopting? I don't know why they would say this to you if they do! My adopted son is 5 1/2 months old and I've never once not felt as if he is my own flesh and blood. I know that not everyone has that initial feeling, but there's nothing wrong if you don't, it may come in time. You'll bond, maybe you'll feel it that first time you hold your child, maybe over a late night feeding at 2 months, maybe one day while lying on the couch taking a nap at 4 months, bottom line it'll happen.

Dr.Loretta

I think there are some biological connections that SOME parents have. I hear of some moms who described hearing "phantom" baby cries while they were in the shower. But I don't consider that a "bond". I will say my H was concerned about bonding, and it happened as soon as he held DD. It took me a little longer. But I also know moms who thought of their bio kids almost as cute strangers at first. So yeah, I think your friends are overstating the power of genetics in tho respect

JWinCT

Dr.Loretta said:

I think there are some biological connections that SOME parents have. I hear of some moms who described hearing "phantom" baby cries while they were in the shower. But I don't consider that a "bond". I will say my H was concerned about bonding, and it happened as soon as he held DD. It took me a little longer. But I also know moms who thought of their bio kids almost as cute strangers at first. So yeah, I think your friends are overstating the power of genetics in tho respect

I agree. I don't think that's a bond, either. It's just something you get used to. I sometimes think I hear my phone getting text messages in the other room when it's not, and I'm certainly not bonded to that. LOL

And I'm one of those moms who felt like my daughters were cute strangers when they were born because they essentially are strangers. It takes time to get to know your kids, whether they are biological or not. It's the same process, in my opinion. It's not instantaneous and it takes some time, but boy is it powerful!

lorifromwi

I think bonding with babies is just like bonding with adults...some people you are just more simpatico with.  That said, I think a lot of what your parents friends refer to as bonding is a learned response.  I've heard my little E giggle, cry and grunt for seven months now...a lot.  You start to hear different patterns or subconciously you know it's been awhile since a bottle or a nap.  Believe me, there are certainly times I have NO IDEA why she's in a mood that she's in, but I'm better at it than I was.  We are fostering E and she's the first child we've had in our house.   I adore her.  I'm pregnant and due in three weeks.  I have questions on how I'm going to "bond" with this baby and he's biologically ours.  As Pinkie said, longer bonding could be impacted by the babies temprament and how little sleep you are getting, what other stresses are going on in your life.  I'm sorry your parents friends are so clueless and you had to be part of that conversation. You will be great!

Wish Upon A Star

I can say this... I have only had my little guy for 19 days and we are already bonding. 
He never heard my voice when he was in the womb, but he knows it now. He stops crying when we walk into the room, and it's not because we share DNA. It's because we are the ones who feed him, clean him, bathe him, hold him, rock him and most importantly LOVE him.  

I dont have any doubt that you can bond with your future child.

CaptainSerious

I think bonding with their child is a fear every prospective adoptive parent has.  And, after having lived through it twice, I can honestly say that is is unfounded.  Do you feel bonded to your spouse?  Do you love one another more than life.  The same will be true for your child.

Love is not an emotion, it's a decision and the actions that follow.  Bonding is a process, especially with older children, but can definately be achieved in any loving relationship.  If you are adopting an older child, I highly recommend reading Parenting the Hurt Child and a few other books that will assist in the attachment process, but as someone who didn't feel attached to either of her children right away (adopted at 7 and 5 years old), I can assure you that it does happen if you stay the course, parent them softly, and love with abandon.

dancingmatilda

Jenn is Silly

I can only speak as an adoptive mother, but here it goes.

I could not imagine being MORE connected to my adopted daughter.  From the day she was born, the moment they placed her in my arms, I have loved that little girl more then life itself.

I worked to enable our bonding process.  She was bottle/formula fed, but we made eye contact the entire time through feedings, we did skin to skin (shoot, we still do at 4 years old), I wore her in a wrap/soft structured carrier, I sang to her, I read to her, I stroked her hair as she slept on my chest as an infant.  All of these things enabled the bond and connection we have now.  

Part of her story is that she is adopted, and I honor that, but I also do not discount the idea that only a biological parent and biological child can bond maternally.  

lilmac2929

****Lurker Alert*****

Hi, I am sneaking in from the secondary infertility board, but I just have to agree with what other posters mentioned.  I have one biological child and at first I didn't have the foggiest idea what he needed.  I was baffled and totally convinced that either 1) people were making it up when they said they knew their babies cries or 2) I was bad at this.  Overtime, we learned each other. I know it wasn't a biological bond since it definitely took time to develop. Love, time and patience make the bond.  

Knottie1442268460

It took me some time to bond with one foster infant. But I knew the needs right away and cared for baby very well for the first months despite not bonding immediately.

A different one I bonded with instantly.

daystardreams

I have no children yet and am just starting the process toward foster care but I am a daycare teacher for infants. We have 8 babies most of the time and I think after a month or so of being around them even though it's only 40 hours a week that I learn their cries and their personality. It is harder for some babies but it always comes eventually and I'm just their daycare teacher.