January 2015 Moms

Rant About SO

I'm a first time mom at 16 and very overwhelmed and my fiancé is 21 jobless (got layed off after Christmas) and barely helps. I'm up all night with our little guy almost every night and up all day with him while he sleeps all night waking up maybe twice if I'm lucky to ask if I want help (I normally ask for him to make a bottle or change a diaper) but instead of doing it when I ask he falls back asleep and I try to wake him up until I get frustrated and do it myself. Durring the day his mom helps me a lot because he is out with a friend almost everyday "finding a job" but they always come home with stupid stuff they bought. When he is home the only time he wants to hold him is when the lil one is sleeping and he wakes him up then when he gets bored puts him back in the swing. I feel bad complaining because he is helping a tiny bit but I'm very young and need help. Because on top of him rarely helping him and his friend come over and trash our bedroom. That at 12 days pp I cleaned. And when I asked for him to clean his mess up he just flipped me off... Am I a bad for complaining or how can I get him to help more.?
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Re: Rant About SO

  • Also on top of all the stress I'm going through the baby blues bad and always feel worthless and like a bad mom.
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  • The advice from PPs has been good. I would break up with him because he sounds lazy, disrespectful to you, immature, and not like the kind of partner I'd want.
  • I can't leave him because his parents bought everything for our lil guy and my parents don't have money to buy anything. I talked to him about making him a chore chart to see if he will do that.
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  • Please see if there are other resources or places that could help you. I know it might be difficult to leave him after his parents bought things for your baby, but that is not a reason to stay with someone. A chore chart is like something you would make for a child. I guess if it gets him to help, that's something, but he still sounds like not a good partner. I would have a serious talk with him and put a timeline on it and a specific list, like these are the things I expect of you as a fiancé and partner in this whole parenting thing. If he can't meet that list, definitely don't marry him, and consider ending the relationship, as awkward as that might be with his parents.
  • I remember the boyfriend I had when I was sixteen. He was my first serious boyfriend. We dated for a couple years. Thank god I didn't get pregnant by him. He was a little older than me, not as drastic a difference as you too but he was babied by his parents. I ended up dropping out of college for him, coming home to be with him, and getting in a lot of debt for him. I completely regret it. I should have moved on way sooner but at that age I couldn't imagine anything else. Ended up that he had been cheating on me. That finally pushed me out the door. I shortly after met my now husband and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has supported me in going back to school and is the best father to my DSS and I know he will be to my soon to be DS. Okay enough about me. Basically this rant of mine was to say I know it is hard to look into the future and imagine what life would be like without him right now, especially in the fragile state of feeling stuck with a newborn. But you deserve a loving man who has the best intentions for you and your LO and will put you two first! Hang in there little mamma! You are strong!
  • I can't leave him because his parents bought everything for our lil guy and my parents don't have money to buy anything. I talked to him about making him a chore chart to see if he will do that.
    If you leave him, his parents are still your son's grandparents. Leaving him doesn't change that; they may still want to be involved if they are helping you now.
    PPs have all given great advice.
    DD#1 (6), DD#2 (4), DD#3 (0)
  • Awe, you are doing your best for your baby. Do not feel so bad. As long as baby is fed, clean and has a place to sleep, you are doing AWESOME! :) 

    As far as your partner, I hate to say it but, you will not be able to do anything to change his behavior. He is an adult and a parent. If that is not enough motivation to step up, then nothing you say will help. I do not agree that a 21 year old needs to "grow up". I met my husband at 18 and he had incredible hustle. He worked full time and went to Community College with me. We moved out together at 20 and have never looked back. Some guys get it. Others want to linger at mommy's house in her nest. I know a lot of people who took this route after high school. Some are now approaching 30 with no signs of taking responsibility for themselves. It is great your in-laws are so supportive towards you and baby! 

    I am so sorry for your stress but, the only thing you can do is hope he decides to change on his own. Until that time, expect that none of your needs will be met. If you learn to expect nothing, it will feel really good whenever he does contribute. I know this sounds a bit depressing yet, it may lower a bit of your anxiety to know each day he may just surprise you by helping in a small way. Take the little wins!
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