Etiquette question (cross post from the other place)

girlymama79

My SIL(brothers wife) is pregnant and due in July. I'm pregnant and due in June. I always thought I would throw then a baby shower when the time came. But she lives 1000 miles away. I offered to throw one for them but it would of had to of been in march when she was only 22 weeks. They declined because of a previous loss they were not comfortable with it. I get that and I'm cool with it.

However, they don't really have anyone else that would do it for them bc of the community they live in. My mom and I were talking about it and we are wondering what if I was the host and she put it on. I would send invites and buy all the decor and send it to my mom and she would do the leg work.

Is this wrong? Is there something else I would need to do as 'host' to make this ok?

neverblushed

I think the best bet here is to put your effort and energy into buying a lovely and generous baby gift and shipping it to your SIL's home.  You offered the shower you could reasonably manage, and she had an excellent reason for declining it.

It's one thing to have the shower at the MTB's home if there's a compelling reason to do so, such as the MTB or grandmother-to-be having an illness or injury, etc.

But what you're talking about is basically being the nominal hostess while your SIL plans her own shower so that she gets a shower.  Your eagerness for her to have a shower is nice, but don't let that enthusiasm put her in a situation where the guests suspect she's throwing herself a gift-grab.

True story:  I have a SIL who is pg with her first child. SIL's grew up on the west coast, but the rest of us and her own sister live on the east coast. I figured if her sister planned a shower, I'd offer to help, but I'm not close enough to make the offer myself.  For whatever reason, no shower was planned.  I kind of feel bad, and I want to do something really special for my SIL.  H and I thought about getting them the glider or stroller, or some other big item.  At Christmas, it was clear that they already had everything.  So, I'm putting the energy I'd normally put into a shower into making the baby a quilt, something that will hopefully show how excited I am for the new addition to the family, since I couldn't show that by co-hosting a shower.

dufferoo

I just don't think that's going to work. There's more to hosting than just buying the stuff... You have to actually be there to, well, host. That means setting up, greeting guests, maintaining the flow of the party, making sure everybody's happy and comfortable and has a drink in their hand, etc. Now if you're talking about your mom doing all those things, then it sounds like she'd be the one hosting. But if you're saying your sister-in-law would do it all, then I think that would be terribly awkward. All in all, it sounds like you were willing but just not able to host. That's a bummer, but you might just be surprised who else might step up to the plate for her, and even if no one does, I'm sure she will be just fine.

girlymama79

I was not meaning my SIL do anything more than show up but my mother do all of those things (set up, greet guests ect).

I hope you are right and someone does surprise me and steps up and does it.

Thanks for the insight ladies!

Amstreagle

You offered, she declined. You do not need to find other people to host her shower.
Showers are blown way out of proportion and not something every woman has.
Maybe she declined because she simply does not want a shower andplusalso it's never ok for MTB to be involved in her shower whatsoever as it is a gift.

girlymama79

I seemed to of worded it funky. Let me try again.

The MTB would not be involved in anything my mom would.

lexusolsen

How far along was she when they lost their first child? I think it might have to do with that. They might consider this their second baby and see it as a breach of etiquette.

girlymama79

She was 5 weeks.

divinemsbee

So, to get this straight: You would be paying for most things, but you do not live near your SIL. Your mom does live near your SIL (or has the time/money to get there and back enough to organize) and would be doing the legwork on the shower like finding a place/sending invitations/handling RSVPs/hosting at the party. You SIL would just be acting as guest of honor. Is all of that right? One question: Would you be flying in for the shower itself or would you not be able to attend at all?

In that case, it seems like you and your mom would mostly be co-hosts and I'm honestly fine with that as long as this is something your mom actually wants to do and is not guilted into. Is there a reason that your mom didn't offer before anyway? I know some people are weird about moms/MILs hosting, but it's one of the few things that I honestly don't think is as big of a deal for baby showers anymore.

The one thing I would ask is is it's that your SIL is uncomfortable just with a shower that early or if she is uncomfortable with a shower before the baby is born at all. And that's up to her personal comfort level. If she's really uncomfortable having one at all, perhaps see if she would like you to throw/host a 'meet the baby' party when she and your brother come back to your hometown (I'm assuming you live in your brother's hometown and there are friends/family there who want to meet the baby and your brother and SIL have reason to come back). That could be a great way around all of this.

girlymama79

I would be paying for all things but not going.  She does want a shower just not at 22 weeks. My mom and my SIL live in the same town and I'm the one that lives far away.

My mom feels weird about being the MIL and hosting, so therefore would not offer to host on her own. 

neverblushed

girlymama79 said:

I would be paying for all things but not going.  She does want a shower just not at 22 weeks. My mom and my SIL live in the same town and I'm the one that lives far away.

My mom feels weird about being the MIL and hosting, so therefore would not offer to host on her own. 

If that's your mom's only objection to hosting, I would talk it over with her and tell her that it's perfectly acceptable for the MTB's MIL to throw a shower.  But, keep in mind that you already offered a shower and the MTB declined it for a very good reason.  It's not the end of the world if she doesn't have a shower.

kmvisioli

I see no problem with co-hosting it with your mom, if she feels comfortable with that. If you were planning to visit them shortly after their baby's arrival, a "meet the baby" party might be a good way to shower her and celebrate if she hasn't already had a shower.

PrimRoseMama

I'd actually invest in a nice gift & maybe something like maid service after baby arrives.