Friend with micro preemies

emwaiting

Hello,
   I have a friend that I have gotten close with as we both battled with infertility issues.  We both had to go through IVF and I have a healthy 17 month old son and she did IVF this summer and got pregnant with twins which they were thrilled about.  She had an up and down pregnancy with some on and off bleeding but things seemed to be getting better around the 20 wk mark.  Well right under 24 weeks she went into labor and they had to take the babies via c-section.  I can't imagine what her and her husband are going through.  I know she feels cheated out of a full pregnancy and then also all of the stresses of having her precious babies in the NICU for who knows how long. 
    I'm asking advice on what I can do to help her.  I don't want to be that person that constantly asks how are things going but yet I want her to know I care.  The other hard thing is I'm currently 21 wks pregnant with #2 which she was very thrilled for us when that happened. I think now she has a hard time with anyone that is pregnant and wishes those little babies were still growing in her safely.  Any tips on things that you all appreciated from friends on how to handle this?  A friend and I went and visited them shortly after the birth and we would like to go again but she isn't having much communication with people.  I don't take it personally as I know she is busy with the babies, pumping and just dealing with life. 
Thanks in advance! 

Missi576

Can I just say that you are being so amazing understanding in so many ways what she is going through AND not being upset about the negative feelings that go with it?  Even if you have trouble getting through to her right now, just continue to be there for her as she walks through each step.  

She'll come back to you when she's able.  

The NICU time is survival time.  Time to celebrate each small tiny little victory.  Knowledgeable questions were the most comforting to me.  It meant that the person who was asking had taken the time to know what was going on.  

I think the biggest support needed (especially with twins) is when she gets to bring them home.  Throw a late baby shower if she's willing to let you.  Celebrate the heck out of it!  So many people were so worried while my two were in the NICU.  Most forgot to congratulate us on two amazing little girls, even once they came home.  I am so thankful for the prayers.. but I have always felt kinda.. sad... that so few celebrated them once they were home.  I didn't get any of the hospital visit gifts everyone walks out the door with when you have a newborn and people come to visit.  No "It's a Girl!" things. 

Twins are overwhelming.  If you can, once they come home, be there to let her get some rest.  Even if you just show up to hold a baby.  Make sure you are super healthy and use hand sanitizer liberally.  NICU for micro-preemies makes you SUPER paranoid.  

Hope this helps.    Keep being awesome!  We'll keep your friends tiny ones in our prayers.   

Missi576

Also, sorry for the ultra slow response time.  It is a tiny little quiet board with a bunch of silly crazy mommies  

emwaiting

Thanks for the advice!  It is such a touchy thing to deal with and just want to be supportive in any way that I possibly can.  I don't even know how I would handle it if I was in her situation.  The twins are currently at different hospitals due to one having to have a procedure but they hope to have them back together in the next couple weeks.  I think our next gift to them will be a gas card because I know they have been doing a lot of driving back and forth. 
Thanks again for the advice.

Missi576

How is your friend and her family doing?  

As to the gas card.. again, amazing   I actually included that in my original response.  That response took me a long time because the situation both of you are in is so hard and so individual.  One of my girls went to another hospital for a week and a half.  The cost of gas to just one hospital was hard as heck on the already murdered budget after hospital stay for me and everything else ><  Trying to pay to get to two hospitals every day, along with eating crappy fast food or hospital food.. ugh.  

emwaiting

They are doing ok but still haven't had any direct contact with her yet.  Luckily I'm friends with her mom so her mom keeps me in the loop.  Another friend and I are going to try to get back down in the next week or two to go visit.  I am right about where she was when she delivered in my pregnancy and it just reminds me that I can't really truly imagine what she is going through BUT I also want her to know how I want to be there for her and support her.  Hopefully she starts opening up a little more sooner then later. Thanks!

MrsMccoy1018

I'd also like to add with the gas cards possibly meal cards to restaurants near the hospital. Little goodie bags with snacks in them so they don't have to leave as much. Also, the older they get the more they can put clothes on them... So maybe some cute onesies or turbans. ( a lot of times baby turban will give free turbans to preemies)
And Trust me, even just a simple phone call goes a long way for these people going through this. Hope they are doing well!