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February 2015 Moms
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help reassuring my husband?

maryppantsermaryppantser member
in February 2015 Moms
My husband is the biggest pessimist, with very intense anxiety issues with depression muddled in. I've been with him for over 7 years now so that's nothing new. My problem is I'm scheduled to have this baby in 7 days unless I spontaneously (and kind of hopefully) go into labor before hand. My doc wants me to have a c section but my midwife is really hoping I'll have a vbac. After researching both extensively I decided that both kind of scared me equally, and that I would sign for a spontaneous vbac if I went into labor before the c section that my doctor had scheduled. That way I kind of leave it up to fate. Well last night I was trying to l have sexy alone time with my husband for the second time this week. The first time he couldn't really.....keep things going if you know what I mean? Well this time he couldn't even get things started! I had a private cry about it in the bathroom because I was convinced that it was because of how large I am from the pregnancy. But when I came back he sat me down to tell me how terrified he was over me giving birth.

My first pregnancy was a very difficult one especially since we were both 18 and ill prepared at the time. I had pre eclampsia starting about mid way through my second trimester and had to be induced 35.5 weeks in. Labored for 17 hours but stalled at 5 centimeters and my blood pressure started to rise and my son's heart rate started to drop. So they took me in for an emergency c section. The whole experience has absolutely traumatized him.

He told me that this whole pregnancy has been hard for him to watch because he knows at the end I have to give birth and he has nightmares every night of losing me durring either procedure. Now this pregnancy has been a bullion and a half times better than my first one the only bad thing I've had durring it really that isn't just straight up normal pregnancy problems is I have a constant migraine that has never disappeared. Big deal. I've tried telling him that the reason labor was so bad last time was because of pre e and because of being induced and it being so early but there is truly nothing I have been able to say that has been able to sway him into reassurance. I love him and I want him to be as excited about the day of our second child's arrival as I am instead of it being a horror day he's terrified of meeting. Have any of you had any problems like this and if so how were you able to help your husbands or were you able to?

BTW I did get him to take his anxiety medicine and we did get to have sexy alone time so atleast that part of the night had a happy ending. He was holding off on taking it til after alone time last night to make sure it wasn't the reason he couldn't keep it going the other night. So at least that part had a happy ending. Lol

Also I'm Mobile bumping so I'm sorry if there is gibberish in here I haven't caught yet.
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Re: help reassuring my husband?

  • jezica125jezica125 member
    Although I don't have the same problem as u it sounds like we are married to the same guy as far as pessimism...Swap the anxiety for ADD and you've got my husband!
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  • maryppantsermaryppantser member
    He has ADD as well! His doc had him prescribed 100 MG of Vyvanse when we were in high school. Which Is ALOT. Lol he's had it reduced to 30 MG since we've grown and learned to manage with it though. Lol
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  • Beth.1212Beth.1212 member
    I don't have direct experience with this, but it sounds like your DH might benefit from the help/advice of a counsellor. If he's already seeing one, maybe he could schedule in an extra session in the next couple of days to start to try and come to terms with his fears surrounding birth. If he's not seeing one, it sounds like it might be a good idea for him to start - I have family/friends with anxiety and depression and counseling has been vital for them. 

    My only other advice is to look up the risks involved (statistically) for VBAC and C-section, and then other "everyday" risks, such as the risk of getting hit by lightening, injured during a car crash, hurt falling down the stairs, etc. I'm guessing that many everyday risks are higher than the risk of serious injury or worse during VBAC or C-section. Maybe seeing that they're not actually as risky as he thinks would help? You can judge best whether this might be helpful. 
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  • maryppantsermaryppantser member
    Beth.1212 said:

    I don't have direct experience with this, but it sounds like your DH might benefit from the help/advice of a counsellor. If he's already seeing one, maybe he could schedule in an extra session in the next couple of days to start to try and come to terms with his fears surrounding birth. If he's not seeing one, it sounds like it might be a good idea for him to start - I have family/friends with anxiety and depression and counseling has been vital for them. 


    My only other advice is to look up the risks involved (statistically) for VBAC and C-section, and then other "everyday" risks, such as the risk of getting hit by lightening, injured during a car crash, hurt falling down the stairs, etc. I'm guessing that many everyday risks are higher than the risk of serious injury or worse during VBAC or C-section. Maybe seeing that they're not actually as risky as he thinks would help? You can judge best whether this might be helpful. 
    I've tried getting him to go to a counselor or a therapist many times and long before this pregnancy. The problem is we just simply cannot afford the Co payments right now. He's about 3 months away from finishing his degree and he promised me when he got a job that he got with his degree and actually payed a liveable amount of money then he would begin getting counseling.

    The statistics suggestion is VERY helpful though that's a great idea I'll look some stuff up today!
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  • AlyllyraAlyllyra member
    I don't really have any experience or any real advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry your husband is dealing with this and I hope everything goes smoothly for your delivery. Maybe you can have another person there to help calm your H during it?
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  • winterbabe2015winterbabe2015 member
    There is a chance I will need to be taken to surgery immediately after birth because of a placental abruption and hemorrhage. We have to watch blood loss during delivery closely. My husband is entirely freaked out about this possibility. He cried the other day telling me that he is scared to death something will happen and he won't know what to do.

    I told him that I trust my OB completely and he is to have her do what she thinks needs to be done. Then I told him my biggest fear isn't that I will hemorrhage and need surgery, it's that I will be to far into labor to get the epidural.

    I think most men (huge generalization I know :-) ) are terrified of having something happen and not being able to fix it. I hope you guys find a happy medium before birth.
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  • Boehrig2Boehrig2 member
    Mm I'm also sorry for the anxiety and struggles, but y'all sound like you have a very open, honest relationship. I think that serves you well and will be a great tool to bind you through anything! Great job!
    Someone once suggested I simply ASK my husband what he would like throughout my labor so HE feels supported. And what he needs now to feel prepared for L&D and postpartum.
    This led us to concrete a doula because we don't have family around and he wanted someone who could help with food (she'll do that) or stay with me while he took a nap, got food, etc.
    I think the statistics and going with to Dr and midwife are great ideas too. Take it all for what it's worth to you. Thoughts for spontaneous labor when y'all are ready!
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