New here, short intro and hubby vent *loss and rainbow mentioned*

amandager99

Hi everyone!  I'm a new SAHM, well as of the last 6 months.  My rainbow Amelia was born last August, our angel Daniel, was born and passed May of 2013.  Things with my daughter are great, and I'm trying to figure out managing her and the house, sometimes I just want to focus on her.  Who needs clean clothes anyways, right?  My husband and I have been through a lot in our short time together, first with the loss of our son.  Shortly after my mother had a stroke and as soon as we moved into our new house, she came to live with us.  Needless to say they don't get a long and it has definitely brought tension into our relationship that has reached out into other things.

I know it's often said that the dads experience this loneliness as the baby consumes the mothers time, but has anyone experienced the opposite?  She is still my 25/7/365 job, but I just feel like he's never around. I should mention that he decided to try and start a business like coinciding with her birth, I know, terrible timing right? I feel like he isn't interested in me anymore, that I'm at the bottom of his list of priorities. I know that no situation is the same, but please tell me I'm not alone  

Guennie

First, I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry your relationship with your husband is bumpy. This is very common unfortunately. A lot of men don't really get into babies and they don't start showing a lot of interest until they get older.

Having said that, you say he doesn't get along with your mom so I think it's reasonable to ask if maybe he's just avoiding being home because he doesn't want to be around her? That kind of tension can definitely make a man keep some distance. You may feel like he is avoiding you but it might not have anything to do with you at all. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

amandager99

First of all, thank you for your reply @Guennie.  For awhile, there definitely was some avoiding being home because of her, but not so much anymore.  It's even when he's here I feel alone.  He thinks I'm wanting him to choose between the business and me, when all I'm asking for is his love and attention.  My issues with the loneliness are deeply rooted at this point, as it's been a long two years of increasing distance since I got pregnant with my angel.  That's a really long story though, haha.

I have tried to talk to him about it,and he just doesn't understand.  I swear he thinks that providing for his family just means financially.  He thinks I'm crazy, and instead of hearing what I'm saying, is convinced I want him to give up the business.  I don't know what to do anymore

Guennie

I understand your situation. My h is gone more than he's home and most of the time I feel like a single parent. He works a lot and when he's off he goes out and does things he wants to do. I have had to keep reminding him that it's really important to spend time together as a family. I know he really isn't good at keeping track of time and he doesn't realize how little time he spends with us. It's an ongoing struggle.

I wish I had some magic answers for you. I keep trying and I keep suggesting things we can do together. Sometimes he makes the effort, sometimes he doesn't. I guess my only advice is to try to keep communicating and let him know how important it is to you that you spend time together. Maybe it will eventually sink in. Sorry, I don't know if this helps. But you are definitely not alone, a lot of couples struggle with this.

sarahsairsair

Hmm my DH can be like this- he is a workaholic, and before we had kids that was ok, coz so was I. But since having our first I have struggled with his absence. The things that have helped are: he took off one weekday per week in exchange for working the weekend (which he probably would have done anyway- it's his business) to look after DS all day while I worked. And the other thing that worked to make all of us closer - an overseas holiday - with just us and no phones / laptops ... He seemed more connected to us after that.