DH doesn't help-how do you keep from getting resentful?

KelliRR

My DH is pretty great most of the time, but when he doesn't do his part, it always turns into a fight and I seem to be the only one who loses sleep over it. For example, we take shifts at night. First shift is from sleep-time (usually 8:00 pm or so) until 2 am, and scond shift is 2 am til wake up, usually 6:00 am. We've switched shifts twice because DH seems to think one is more work, then decides it's the other and we switched again. The last week, DH has had second shift, and just lets DS "fuss" for over an hour (which is actually wailing interrupted by 10-second intervals of the pacifier being in). All three of us are up, and ultimately, for the sake of my sanity, I get out of bed to rock DS back to sleep, or last night, feed him. The rule is that whatever DS needs during your shift, you do it, including feeding (I pump extra for these scenarios, but they are rare. Mostly, he needs diaper changes in MOTY).
We've had screaming matches each night (not proud of that) and attempts at calm discussions the last couple days that dissolve into DH accusing me of calling him a bad parent, and me just more pissed off and sleep deprived.
This is just one example, but basically the theme: we agree to a shared duty, then DH essentially flakes out, then gets hostile when I call him on it and try to resolve it.
I'm not so distraught that I want to leave him or anything that dramatic, but I'm tired of always being both the bad guy and the only one who is upset about it.
So, I imagine I'm not the only one who feels like DH isn't doing his part. How do you cope (assume I've ruled out stabbing him in his sleep and lots of day drinking)?

Emerald27

Hmm...I'm sorry you're struggling and that DH is not helpful.

I do all MOTN wakings with LO. DH helps with the big kid if he wakes up, and he does his part elsewhere. Usually he's the biggest help in the evenings by giving me a break to shower and playing with the kids while I get a brief moment to myself. He also brings home the bacon. His contribution to our family is enormous even though he doesn't wake up at night.

I guess all that is to say that if he can't handle night duty, find other ways for him to contribute and take night wakings yourself. How often is LO waking anyway?

KelliRR

Sage advice, no surprise, from @Emerald27. LO wakes about every 2 hours at night, so 4-5 times. Maybe that is a better idea to find other ways for him to help, and just do the night shift alone. What really gets my goat us the broken promise, not so much the being awake. Thanks for the insights!

themrs83

I feel ya. Everything is all me this time because of breast feeding, we're slowly getting him to take a bottle. It gets really frustrating and exhausting. But I just keep my mouth shut mostly because it's not worth the fight.

Someday LO will sleep through the night. I hope you find something that works for you. Maybe you could get a break on weekends in exchange for MOTN?

ss265

Nicb13 said:

DH and I fought a ton after our first baby was born because I was resentful and let it build up. The difference with us is that I never told DH what I needed from him then got mad when he couldn't read my mind. Go figure! You need to calmly talk to your DH about this and how you are feeling. With that being said, and I'm not saying dads should be let off the hook, BUT it's a fact that moms just end up doing more work. Once you accept that, maybe you won't be so resentful. Men don't always have the same instincts and they usually can't get the job done as well as moms can when it comes to kids. DH has never had MOTN duty with either baby. Never once. We both work but if something needs to be done with the baby at night, I'm on it. If something needs to be done with the toddler, he's on it. We split lots of other household tasks but I do 85% of the work with the kids when they are babies. I'm rambling now, hope this helps a little.

I don't agree with the bolded. Except for feeding LO (and only because I'm breastfeeding and my husband doesn't have boobs), I feel like my husband is completely capable of taking care of LO by himself. Sure, he will struggle the first time I ask him to do something but after doing something once, he learns his own way of doing it.

OP, are you sure your baby isn't hungry in the MOTN? And who puts him to sleep? It sounds to me that maybe your husband isn't used to putting him back to sleep when he wakes up and that maybe you both need to get on the same page on how to put baby to sleep initially and during MOTN.

Since I breastfeed, I handle all MOTN feedings in our house (even though DH and I both work) - baby sleeps right next to me in a PnP and I usually pop him on the boob and doze off while he feeds. DH is in charge of handling our toddler if he wakes up (which is rare). DH also lets me sleep in on the weekends and we try and share the household chores. In the event that I need extra help in the MOTN (if I can't get DS back to sleep), DH is on call to help me or take the baby so that I can sleep.

If your current arrangement isn't working, you might want to consider other ways of splitting the baby related chores. If you definitely want to split MOTN duties, maybe stay up to observe your husband one night and give him tips so that he's comfortable putting DS back to sleep when he wakes up.

It took DH and I a while to find a rhythm when we first had kids - the first few months are rough but you will get through them.

MrMrsandBaby

Aside from what was said above, assuming LO isn't hungry, if it is your DH's turn to get up with the baby then kick his ass out of bed when LO cries.  But if DS is waking every two hours still, that sounds like hunger (at least in my house it would be).

Just going on face value, if the arrangement isn't working you either need to make it work (hence the kicking out of bed) or make a new arrangement.

KelliRR

OP, are you sure your baby isn't hungry in the MOTN? And who puts him to sleep? It sounds to me that maybe your husband isn't used to putting him back to sleep when he wakes up and that maybe you both need to get on the same page on how to put baby to sleep initially and during MOTN.

Since I breastfeed, I handle all MOTN feedings in our house (even though DH and I both work) - baby sleeps right next to me in a PnP and I usually pop him on the boob and doze off while he feeds. DH is in charge of handling our toddler if he wakes up (which is rare). DH also lets me sleep in on the weekends and we try and share the household chores. In the event that I need extra help in the MOTN (if I can't get DS back to sleep), DH is on call to help me or take the baby so that I can sleep.

If your current arrangement isn't working, you might want to consider other ways of splitting the baby related chores. If you definitely want to split MOTN duties, maybe stay up to observe your husband one night and give him tips so that he's comfortable putting DS back to sleep when he wakes up.

I usually put LO to bed after the last feeding of the night, around 8. I put him back to bed after diaper changes at 11 and 1:00ish, and I don't believe he's hungry because he usually falls immediately back to sleep (5 minutes of rocking, tops). DH refuses to rock him at all ("he needs to learn to self-soothe"), and I think that is part of the problem. This last few days, i'm starting to think LO is going through a growth spurt because he's been eating like crazy during the day.
I appreciate the suggestions. I actually really like the idea of each of us taking one complete night on weekends. The tough thing is it's not just the nights, it's pretty much all the time that he's not as helpful as I feel like he should be, and probably the best solution to that is to talk to him and see what he'd rather do.
@MrMrsandBaby‌ i have literally kicked him out of bed, and he just accused me of spousal abuse. So instead, all 3 of us lie awake with the wailing baby. Good times. You are right, we need a new arrangement.

ss265

How old is LO? Is he EBF? If he's between 3-4 months old and EBF, 10 hours is a long time for him to go without feeding. You could try nursing him or offering him a bottle at his wake up to see if he will take it. Feeding him during the night could delay the interval between wake ups which would mean better rest for you and DH. Part of the reason that I'm ok with doing all the MOTN wake ups is because DS2 only wakes up 1-2 times at night and usually goes back to sleep after 15-20 minutes. 

I actually do the complete opposite of you in MOTN - when LO wakes up, I always offer him the boob and avoid diaper changes at all costs because it wakes him up completely and makes it harder to get him back to sleep.

And yeah, if your DH doesn't want to rock him and you do, it will definitely be harder for him to get LO to sleep. You should probably talk during the day when you are both calm and try and come to an arrangement that works for both of you.  

white714

That is nice your husband helps, mine won't wake up to anything!! He works all day 10-12 hours and has night school 2x/week so I'm stuck doing everything for now. When I do complain he says well you wanted another one. Then I want to punch him. But he does help when he can and he's also doing renovations on our house so I can't complain too much...

Eastie156

Late to the party. I agree with PP's-if your H can find other ways to be helpful, then let him. That said, I honestly believe if it's his night/shift,etc. he needs to follow through. H and I went through this when DD was first born until she was 6 weeks old. He kept flaking out and it was really frustrating. I have him way more space then because he was at work and I was on leave so he needed more sleep. I do agree that unfortunately as moms we just tend to do more. It's in our nature. As much as we want it to be 50/50, it's likely not going to be that way.

Mizuiro007

I'm definitely late to the game but wanted to respond anyway. It seemed to me like as much as we each have to adjust to parenting as individuals, there's also the adjustment to co-parenting. You need to find your rhythm as a parent, as does DH, and you both need to find your together rhythm (hope that made sense). DH and I went through a lot of fighting (mostly exhaustion on both our parts) and a lot of trial and error on how we did things. It's constantly evolving as well. First home from the hospital I was EBF and LO was frequently wanting to feed every hour. So it didn't allow me time to sleep besides dozing while feeding. After a few weeks I started pumping, both for engorgement and so hubby could give me a break during the day (he works nights and has evening classes). It worked better for us doing that, especially since hubby sleeps with a C-PAP and it's incredibly hard for him to wake up when he uses it. So I took nights and part of the day with about six hours that hubby had LO.

Our next problem came with disagreeing over parenting styles. Even when hubby had him so I could sleep, I was constantly waking up because LO was crying and I couldn't stand it. Hubby had all these ideas from when he was eleven and his older sister had her first baby and a lot of it I didn't agree with. What we finally figured out was to sit down and talk, looking at it as comparing notes. The main idea was that we needed to be consistent with how things were handled regardless of which of us had him. So there was a lot of "I find this works for me. What about you?" This has lead to some major breakthroughs for both of us on things we could each be doing different.

We most definitely still have our issues but it's a little more workable now. One of the biggest things seems to be wording things in a way that you aren't immediately causing each other to be defensive. I like to bring up articles. Like "I was reading this article and they were saying this...." and give the stats. Maybe mention that most experts currently say that sleep training and crying it out shouldn't be attempted until at least six months of age? Sometimes someone else saying it or doing it works. There's been a few times my mom came over and would be playing with LO and I'd see this lightbulb go of with hubby like "Wait...I could do that. That actually looks like fun." Or sitting down with the doctor and he's laying out a night routine we should try for and TONS of tips for achieving it.