Not sure I want my mom watching DD, need advice

jmichlik

Hi all,

I have a situation on my hands and was hoping for some advice. I will try to make this as short as possible.

My dad passed away suddenly this past September. When he was alive my parents were living about an hour and a half from me, but now that my mom is alone she has just moved to a house about 15 minutes from me. I am going back to work next week and DH is taking his leave until mid-March, then my mom wants to watch DD once we are both back to work. I do not want my mom raising my daughter, but I don't think there is any way I can tell her this. Partly I think it would upset her because of my dad and the fact that my 90-year-old grandmother (mom's mom) is not doing so well and we will likely lose her this year. There is also the problem that my mom lacks self-awareness and if I tried to explain to her why I did not want her raising my daughter she would not understand and I would likely destroy my relationship with her, which I do not want to do. DH and I are at a loss, but were recently thinking that perhaps a compromise would be to have her watch the baby until she is about a year old then say we want to put her in daycare to allow her to socialize with other children. Here are some of my reasons I do not want DD raised by my mom:

- My mom is obsessive about her body image as well as other people's, such as my sister's and mine. Now if she wants to be crazy herself (like skipping meals on days where she does not go to the gym) than that's not really my concern, but growing up my sister and I were made to feel like our bodies were never good enough. I was skinny as a stick but my stomach was not perfectly flat, so she would tell me to "suck in that gut." My sister was of average weight and was told she was a "piggy" if she went for second helpings at dinner.
- My mom is a very negative person. When I see her she is often either complaining about something with her life, telling me I am doing something wrong (or my sister is) or telling me about news stories she read about how terrible the world is. I am a more positive person and do not enjoy being around someone like that. No matter how happy she is with something in her life at first it later gets to the point where she is not happy with it and is convinced that she was never happy. Her new house for example, she loved at first... now the garage is too small, the laundry room is too small, she doesn't like that there is a wine rack over the fridge, you get the picture here.
- My mom is very high strung, to the point where things that I would consider minor issues become catastrophes to her. My sister, dad and I have all had the experience of being screamed at over something completely unimportant. Example: the first time I used my debit card (I think I was 17 at the time) I bought some gas, then checked online and noticed the pending transaction had not shown up yet. When I asked my mom why she started screaming that I was not supposed to use my card that way and I had stolen from the gas station.

I know you all do not know my mom and cannot really get a true sense of her from a post like this, and I don't expect you to be able to make my decision for me. I need to be fair also and say that my mom is not a horrible person. She was a SAHM and devoted a lot of time to playing with my sister and I, reading to us, helping us with homework when she could. I just don't want the negative aspects of her rubbing off on my daughter too much, and I know my dad did not want my mom raising DD either because he had told me so while I was pregnant. What I'm hoping you can do is tell me based on what I've told you here if you think it is reasonable for me to have my mom watch DD when she is little to give her the one-on-one attention, and then say I want her in daycare when she is a year old.

minibean16

Wow - that was long!

Whatever the reasons you don't want her watching your LO, it's your choice. You are a mom now, so put your child ahead of your mom (sorry, she's the adult). I would use the 'socializing with other children' reason. Or find a daycare really close to your work, and say you want your LO close so you can drop in at lunch.

CocoGelato

First I'd like to say that your mother would not be "raising" your daughter. She would be watching her while you work.

I think having her watch your DD until a year old is a good compromise. Perhaps even use her care one or two days a week after the year if things go well.

jmichlik

Thanks ladies, and sorry about the length, I didn't mean to make it that long. I don't ask for advice on here very often because it seems like other posters ask questions that answer mine, but this has been something I've been feeling stressed about lately.

Also @CocoGelato you are right, no one is raising LO but me and DH. I'm going back to work next week, which I absolutely want to do, but I think I've been feeling a little bit of guilt about that and "raising" was probably a slip of the tongue so to speak.

jac409

I can sympathize because your mom sounds a lot like mine, especially with the body image stuff. I have actually heard my four year old niece saying things about this food or that making her fat. The only person she could have gotten that from is my mom. Ridiculous. Anyway, I don't live anywhere near my mom, so it isn't an issue. But if I did, I wouldn't want her watching my kids. You could actually start the part time day care thing right away, not necessarily at one year. Give your mom two days and send her to day care three days right from the start.

Ineedmorecoffee

I think it's a good compromise to let her watch her for the first year and then put her in a daycare after that.

missnacholover

I don't even agree with having her watch LO for the first year.

Grow some lady balls.  "Mom, we are going another route for childcare.  If something changes we will let you know."  No need to give her a reason.  If she presses, just say it is what works best for your family.

krgriffin26

I think if you want to save some money and she has the ability to watch your daughter then maybe start small. Maybe talk to her about starting when DH goes back to work and re-evaluate at 6 months. If all is well maybe extend 2-3 months after that. But if your gut tells you that a year is the max then stick to your guns and let her know that daycare is the route you would like to go. Maybe instead suggest that she is welcome to watch LO during just sick says or Days that you are working but the daycare is closed. Parenting is up to you and you should not feel bad about the choices you feel are right.