family venting, would like advice - NBR

mattandlora

I've hinted at family problems in earlier posts. I don't want to go into detail too much. The bottom line is that we have 2 extra family members living with us (adult and teen), and they've been with us since July. I got my BFP one week after they moved in. They initially had a lot of medical and legal things to deal with and we were happy to support them through it while they waited for things to settle. Now everything is settling, and we see no motivation or forward progress for them to move out and become independent. Initially, both were severely depressed, plus other issues. The adult poured everything into getting the teen better, at the expense of their own health. Now the teen is better, ready to move out, and the adult is still depressed and lacking the motivation to even get better. We see no motivation to do anything. There is no searching for full-time work, no searching for a place to live, nothing. There's just sleeping and playing games on the phone, all day. It is bad enough that the adult's counselor wants to see DH and I get custody of the teen. It is too delicate of a situation for us to evict them before they're ready. We're just frustrated with the lack of motivation to move forward. They can't move out until the adult finds work. The adult can't find work until motivated to look. And the adult won't be motivated to look until the depression is treated. But the adult is too depressed to get out of bed and go to the doctor to say that the medication isn't working.

niknak1208

Oh boy. I feel badly for you because that is an extremely difficult situation.  My impression is that the adult does treat with a provider but is either inconsistent or is not communicating any difficulties with medications. is there someone the adult is close to.. feels safe with.. that might be able to approach the adult about following up with their provider?  Does the provider reach out to the adult? is it bad enough that the adult could be admitted? is there fear of self harm? 

That's a really hard spot for you and your husband to be in and I think it's extremely great of both of you to take them in and support them the way that you have and for as long as you have.  You don't want to be insensitive but at the same time you have a new addition to your family coming soon as well and I would be concerned about the baby and the possibility of an unstable situation.  

mattandlora

(edited for typo, because I'm OCD like that)

More drama..........

The big complication is that they're with us to escape domestic violence. They made a major relocation to live with us and didn't know anyone but us when they arrived. I see the adult taking no steps towards meeting people and building a support system. She is really good about seeing her counselor and going to appointments. She's very bad about speaking up for herself and her needs. She is afraid that standing up for herself will cause an explosive outburst and/or hurt the other person's feelings. I convinced her to speak with her doctor about the medicine not working. Now she's on something new and I see improvement in her mood. I see no improvement in her motivation.

DH and I are starting to wonder if the motivation issue is not depression, but something else entirely. Maybe it is her personality. Maybe it is the result of being a victim for most of her life - she has no idea how to work on self-improvement because self-protection is all she knows. This is also why we can't evict them before she's ready. She will go right back to the abuser because she can't support herself financially yet. We're just frustrated that we see no steps towards becoming independent.

Everything I've read about helping victims of domestic violence says that you should give them the freedom to make their own decisions, no matter how poor, because making decisions on their behalf feels no different to them than being with the abuser. Either way, someone else is controlling them. We're trying to respect that advice, as long as it does not put us or her teen child in danger. When her decisions affect others in a negative way, we step in.

My biggest fear with the baby is that the abuser will come looking for his victims. I won't go into the legal details, but DH and I are taking steps now to make sure that won't happen. (It is clear that the adult victim underestimates the danger of the situation and is unmotivated to take action).

In the meantime, we have a teenager and a very unmotivated adult living with us, not helping with anything, not taking steps towards moving out, and in horrible danger if we kick them out. I'm reaching a breaking point. Yes, I see a counselor. I think this is nesting / hormones telling me that I need to get the house ready for a baby. As much as I love these people, ergh!

NeonNoon

Sorry about your stressful situation.  I have to deal with needy in-laws and parents for a few weeks around delivery and feel like I can't cope.  

I think you have a good understanding of this relative's problem.  It's not an easy one to fix.

It seems to me that your adult relative has had several soul crushing traumas and is afraid to want anything for herself.  Taking care of the teen was an external expectation that she was happy to deal with.  But the teen seems to be OK, so there's no motivation to do anything.

Is she getting therapy for affect regulation?  It seems to me she could make rapid progress with that.  The 'playing games all day, staying in the house' thing sounds like an unrelenting flight response.  Affect regulation skills could stabilize her enough to work on her other problems, which to me seem will take a year or two - but that doesn't mean that she has to stay with you for the duration.

Once she has a good handle on the affect regulation, she seems to need to work on her phobia of wanting things.  She has been punished too many times for wanting things for herself, by them not working out in major ways as in this last situation.

The depression seems tertiary.  She needs to resolve the other aspects to really get back on her feet.

Have you considered speaking to her counselor about her 'playing games all day in the house'?  Maybe it's time for a new therapist?

As for you, please remember that your house/household doesn't have to be perfect, that this situation is temporary, and you'll very likely be just fine!

mattandlora

@Neonnoon - going to PM you

niknak1208

That is so so sad.   I'm very sorry to hear that she and her child have had to go through that and that you and your husband are indirectly going through it now. 

Domestic violence is so hard.  I only have a short lived experience with that.  Not directly myself but my mom was married to a not so nice man when I was in high school.  He was after my dad and he was very verbally abusive and physically sometimes too. It just wrecked my moms self-esteem. She acted like someone I never knew.  She was passive and nervous and shy.  She was so defeated by him and scared of him that she just let him keep doing it. It wasn't until I actually took steps to intervene.. at 16 years old.. that she finally did something about it.  It's hard.  They have a way of making the victim feel like it's their fault.  Depression will only make that worse.  

Are there any support groups she could attend in the area? Sometimes it's really hard to take that first step and actually get up and go to a group.. but I think sometimes it helps to hear from people who have gone through what you've gone through.  Just to know that there are other people out there experiencing the same thing.  I wish I would have gone after we lost our baby in 2011.  Trauma just does things to you that you don't always expect and sometimes we think we can handle it by ourselves but we can't and asking for help is hard.  I ended up taking a cousin of mine who lost a baby.. 3 years after we lost ours and it was STILL hard for me to do.  But afterwards I was glad I did it.  It just gives you a safe place to vent and talk and be real about what you're going through and connect with others who really understand. Maybe she won't even have the strength to go alone.. maybe she'll need you or your husband or her child to go with her.  My cousin couldn't go alone.  I said hey this group is meeting on this day at this time.. I'll meet you there ok?  And I wasn't sure that she would show up but she did.  

mattandlora

@niknak1208 - I've found support groups for her. She won't go. Don't know why. Maybe I have to go with her.

Like I said on my PM to NeonNoon - I don't expect to solve this on the internet. But I appreciate listening ears, a place to vent, different perspectives, and ideas for things we haven't tried yet.