ready for baby number 2?

kyethra

So my little boy is about to turn 3.  He has autism.  He gets it from me, I have asperger's.  He also has a speech delay, and we have been quite proactive in treatments and services.  So i work too many hours, and my little boy has special needs, and our house is a constant mess, but I feel mostly ok.  It is my first year teaching and I still put in too many hours but I am starting to feel ok about it despite being at a difficult school.  I have told my husband we should embrace dog hair as a life style accessary, and again ok with this.  Yeah, sometimes the house is a terrible mess, but we are working on it.  And it isn't like we can't see the floor. Though I might get a dog treadmill since this winter seems to be cold so far and they need more exercise.  DH and I have been discussing the next one.  We would do ivf with pdg for gender selection.  Right now we don't how our son will do in terms of functioning or academics or any of it.  And that is ok.  he is going to need supports and we are providing them.  He gets weekly speech, and play group, and is about to start preschool which should be great for him.  We also take him to additional activities like swim class and little gym and another play group.  I do one, my husband does one, my mom does one.  I work on embedding applied behavior analysis into our routines (this was what I did before this job, so I don't do formal programs and data for him as it would feel too weird to do that with my son, but definitely have my own little programs and goals).  I mentioned this to someone the other day and they were wondering if we were on top of things enough.  I said sure there is always a pile of clothes on the bedroom floor, my dresser and desk are pretty covered, and I'm always behind on something or other.  But I know what is in the pile of clothes and and dig out the dresser and desk when it gets too bad.  We cook balanced meals at least half the time (delivery, frozen, drive through or carry out the rest of the time), our dogs get regular baths and bushings and are well cared for, and we are doing pretty awesome at the parenting thing.  And we might well hire someone to help clean with number 2. And if that child has special needs then we will support that child.  How did you know when you were ready for a second one?   Did you have things "under control" more first? 

kcisthebombdotcom

We decided long before conceiving that we wanted at least two kids with the first pair close in age. I wasn't anywhere near a decent routine and our house was in pretty chaotic condition when #2 came along. We all survived and thrived. As the kids got older and could help clean up after themselves/simple chores things got easier (and more organized). A messy house wouldn't be a deal breaker for me assuming you're financially/emotionally up to the challenge of having another person in the house.

kyethra

music, we would use it for gender selection.  Since boys are much more likely to have autism and speech delays and such...  we would select for a girl.   Anyway, yeah we do need to work on routines in terms of clean up times, but find we are ready emotionally and financially.  Our house was actually messier before this one came along and that was too messy for me so we have worked on it and gotten rid of a lot of stuff, are using more systems now.  But I feel like my son is going to be (he already is) a great person with something to contribute to society, even if he does need support to do so.  And we are giving him the love and supports and we'll see what others are needed.  So if we had another child with disabilities I suspect we would also have another great person with something to contribute to society.  Now I would take away his disability in a moment if I could because it makes his life harder in a way that just seems unfair to me, but is it still a life worth living? Very much so.  So gender selection makes sense to us.  As I mentioned I do have my challenges and have had supports of my own over the years but I'm working professionally full time, doing well at being married and mommy, and suspect getting a younger person more supports and such at a younger age could help build those skills that I needed help with even better. 

kyethra

Auntie, in my family it is the reverse.  I am the younger sibling and much more mild than my older sibling.  We are working with a professional organizer and that has helped a lot-- I certainly wouldn't worry about CPS standards. As someone with AS my xf skills are things i constantly work on-- I heard Sarah Ward speak on strategies a couple of years ago and I now use a bunch of things with my students and myself as well.   We have also seen a geneticist and will do a screening, but chances of actually getting a hit on the micro array at this point are low.  We are in the midwest and already have an IEP for the public preschool.  He will receive services and start on his birthday.  We took advantage of early intervention as soon as I thought DS would qualify and have utilized a combination of private and public supports. My marriage is doing well-- we hit out 5th anniversary before DS came along and I think that helped us build a solid base. After I started the new job DH has been great, he cooks dinner now more than I do, took DS to services and appointments if needed and has already planned on being there every day at the start of his preschool day to help DS transition into the classroom.  Of course it helps that DH has a much more flexible job than mine.  But I do get summers to spend extra time with my kids and work on targeted skills. 

hopanka

-auntie- said:

https://sfari.org/news-and-opinion/news/2014/autism-characteristics-differ-by-gender-studies-find

Thank you for posting this, auntie.

I always read the responses below the articles, even though they make me feel funny because so many times they are describing ME. I've had my suspicions for a long time, but for whatever reason continue to stick my head in the sand. However - the exhaustion from performing well in social situations resonates with me the most. Like the posters are describing: we do well enough for others to think "it's all in our heads", but at a high cost. It is tiring to be me, to put it mildly.

Just yesterday I made an ass of myself in front of a group of my friends. I let my analytical guard down, failed to check facial expressions, and totally missed the mark. If I'm not 100% concentrated on being spontaneously typical, I screw up.

kyethra

I did originally want to use egg or embryo donation, but DH was hesitant. Gender selection was our compromise. The first time around we did microsort for five IUIs. They did not work, and we tried then on our own for more months, and again nothing. So we had unexplained infertility. We were ready to do IVF with pgd when I got pregnant, and the cycle was all weird timing wise. Apparently my son really wanted to be a boy. So again I have brought up embryo and egg donation, but DH is again hesitant. He likes me and my genetic material. He doesn't really understand autism as well as I do either, despite reading studies. I will always be Autistic, but I do find it can be less of a barrier for me as I learn and practice all those missing skills. I currently have a dream job, and a great family.

Adoption is very tricky.... I would rather avoid that headache now. Maybe in the future foster or adoption would be right.