Do we ever get "over" IF?

MAbride0808

I took Olivia to see Sesame Street Live this morning with my mother.  As the show started and Olivia was so excited, I started to tear up.  There was a time period when I didn't think I would ever have a child to do this with.  Damn IF still hurts.

Ruthie04

It never goes away. I cry at similar things all the time! I cried at a museum last week because they were walking around saying "Wow!" over and over again. And, so many of my friends are TTC or newly pregnant. I'm still jealous!

kmc84

I also find myself crying over stuff like that. When I see her make a new discovery, Christmas morning, the first time she really hugged me back....yup, lots of tears!

Mrs.AmyDylan

I hear you! DH had J this morning and I was waiting at home for my meds to arrive (yay Saturday morning fun). I was cleaning out J's closet and tearing up putting away all her 12-18mo clothes from the summer. I always though we would have three kids. I'm dying to have another girl because all the clothes are so freaking cute. However, I don't know if I have more than one more IVF cycle in me (I have no idea what this cycle could bring). I opened my meds box today and just wanted to sob hysterically. There are also some books I still can't get through reading to J because they make me cry. Hugs to my peeps.

Grateful&Thankful

It will always be a part of me and I don't know if I will ever 100% get over it. It has definitely changed me for life. I am so grateful to have my son. I cried a lot during my pregnancy and afterwards as well. I just could not believe I had finally achieved a healthy pregnancy. Infertility stole a lot of my pregnancy joy.

My DH and I were talking about our plans for this year and we had a crazy moment where we realized that since 2011, this will be the first year where we do not have to make any infertility plans. We were like, "wow, we don't have to cycle if we don't want to and we probably won't!" It felt strange but good. We have spent so many years living and planning our lives around cycling. We know we would like at least one more but since it took us 5 IVF cycles to get our son, I am not sure what direction I want to go in. I know I don't have 5 more cycles in me emotionally, mentally, and especially not financially.

kmc84

Happy_Yahoo_Personaler said:

Haha!  I'm definitely not "over" IF.  I almost cried the other day watching a commercial for Disney World, thinking how I once wasn't sure I'd ever get to take a child there, and now I have twin daughters who I want to take there in another 2-3 years.

I used to get so upset at the Disney commercials! The ones with the pricing for a family of four? I always got angry wondering why they couldn't put pricing for a family of three!

HeatherHam10

I'm with you ladies. Ds is 5.5 months and I still get teary eyed about all of the things I never thought we'd get to do. And a little jealous of those who get pregnant easily

luvboston

"And no matter what anyone says about grief and time healing all wounds, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken"

This is how I feel, perhaps if I hadn't had m/c's it would be easier to move on but six times a year I will never forget what happened or how infertility made events happen in my family that have ruined relationships forever.

Everyday there are toys and stuffed animals lying around my house I can't believe it!

lincoln79

I don't think so.

I will always be sad around pregnant women (I needed to use a surrogate, so never got to be past 8 weeks pregnant). 

I think of it like a death, and most have to grieve many times over for their loss.

Gregermis

I don't think the emotional scarring will ever fully heal, but I'm definitely in a better place

Jenny935

In general I feel better, but I do still feel a sting when people say things to me like "We are going to have our next baby in XX month because of XX." And they do, because they BD on day 14 of their cycle and get KU.

Mrs.AmyDylan

richzep said:

Like when my sister asked me to pick up a pregnancy test to see if she's accidentally pregnant with a baby she doesn't want...left me bitter for days. 

I don't know that I would have taken this very well. Does your sister know about your struggles, @richzep ?  I only have brothers (neither are dating), so this situation doesn't apply. I think I would have been a bit...uncharitable. 

kellyrn9956

I feel good most days. But still have major pangs of jealousy when a pregnancy is announced. I wish that would just go away!!!

mommytobe062015

Great topic . I think it will stay with me all my life, it changed who I am. I have definitely learned to try and appreciate everything in life and never take anything for granted. I still have a very hard time at baby showers and being around other pregnant women but I try to stay strong As the saying goes "what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger". I also really admire other couples/women who have gone through the same thing and survived, it has inspired me never to give up and remain hopeful (my first baby conceived through ivf due in June 2015!!).

mdiblasi10

I won't ever forget the pain and struggle. Infertility will be a part of me always and has changed me as a person, and not necessarily in a bad way. I have met a lot of wonderful people on this journey and I've been able to support friends who find themselves in the IF world. Or friends who ask me about it because they have friends or family who are and they want to know how best to support them, etc. It feels good to be able to help in any way I can. 

girlgamer07

I don't think any of us actually get over it, we bear the scars forever and I think it makes us all the more appreciative for every moment we have with our little one. 

Ruthie04

lincoln79 said:

I think of it like a death, and most have to grieve many times over for their loss.

When I was teaching foster/adopt classes, we spoke at length about grief and loss. The module listed infertility as an "unexpected loss," much like the loss of a child or spouse, job layoff, cancer diagnosis, significant financial strife... (as opposed to an expected loss- loss of a parent in old age, children moving out of the house, death of a pet). People have a certain comfort level in helping others through expected losses since they are often relatable and widely discussed. The unexpected losses are often met with awkward silences and discomfort because people just don't know how to support someone going through the unimaginable.

IF changed me and the way I look at others. While some of those changes are positive (more empathy, I'm much more patient with myself as a mother, I complain less about parenting difficulties), the vast majority of the changes are negative. My eternal optimism is gone and my family, who was pretty much the example of Resolve's "What not to say" list, really hurt me. I don't even speak to one of my siblings anymore because she was so cruel and unapologetic- she won't even acknowledge my sons' birthday and will not make plans to meet them. We isolated ourselves from people our own age and I put my career on hold through those 11 failed treatment cycles. If I had a time machine and the cure for IF, I would have wished to have had DS1 in 2010 and DS2 in 2012. Same children, just different circumstances. I don't spend my days thinking about IF or continuously grieving, but I do allow myself to feel sad and angry that we had to go through that struggle. It was an awful time in my life and, while I'm glad I survived, I don't ever want to feel that way again.

Mrs.McIrish

I'm actually way more "cured" than I ever expected. Maybe it's because we had twins and we never wanted more than 2 kids?? I'm forever done with IF treatment and it's so amazing to say that. Of course I will forever be infertile (I used DE so my ovaries never worked even once) but I can't imagine having any other babies than K&K. They would not be here if any of the embryos before them had stuck. So I guess it worked out the way it was meant to for me to get K&K. I'll always feel a connection to my IF sisters and roll my eyes at "easy to come by" pregnancies, people taking pregnancy for granted etc. I have a necklace that DH got me for Christmas that has 16 silver circles-- one for each embryo we transferred. K&K are 15&16. I always remember anniversaries-- when we cycle, when I had the m/c. It was 4 years of tears which I will always remember and I'll hug the girls a lot on those days. I never thought I'd get to this side and my bitterness is definitely subsiding.

Julie21613

Gregermis said:

I don't think the emotional scarring will ever fully heal, but I'm definitely in a better place

This.....When I had Maggie I thought I was cured.  Then a younger cousin (19) got pregnant....I was surprised by how much the news stung.  Two more "whoops" pregnancy's occurred and the sting was still pretty bad but not as bad as the first "accident".   So, the wound heals, but still leaves quite a scar...