Today I Vent (Warning: LC mentioned)

mcodea88

It has been 26 days since my MC / D&E.  I just want AF to come.  I have become extraordinarily impatient and frustrated.  I'm temping... why, I don't know.  B/c the DR benched me for 2 cycles so why temp.  I wake up every day, temp, don't get AF, and feel sorry for myself.  I know it could be a while/ before AF comes... or not.  Not knowing makes me crazy.  My sister (AMA - 40 years old) had her first baby Sunday.  So - after the initial heart break of hearing that this child was coming whether I was mentally ready or not, ended up being immensely therapeutic for me.  He went right to the NICU due to some minor complications but is totally fine.  So since the hospital is right around the corner from me, I pretty much spent the whole week in NICU with him!  My sister stayed at my house b/c I'm so close to the hospital.  Well, the baby went home yesterday and I want to cry.  Not b/c the baby is now healthy enough to leave, but because he's gone. She lives maybe 30 minutes away, but somehow I feel like he's just not as accessible to me anymore.  And he was good for my heart.  I put all my own sadness aside and focused on him, 100%.  And now he's home living his own life with his parents and I'm home, alone, feeling sorry for myself, wondering if AF will come today (which it won't), and wondering how I'm going to get through 2 cycles without wanting to take a hostage!  I'm trying to study for my real estate license, but I can't focus.  I can't really do anything except sit here and be sad.  I was sad yesterday but lord have mercy some s*&t went down on TB that I was unaware of, and all of you peaced out for a bit.    Anyway... I guess that's all.  I have no questions, just frustration, sadness, impatience, worry, emptiness.  

Rachaeleigh

I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time
You do seem to understand that 26 days post mc isn't that long at all to wait for AF.
Also, 2 months of being benched is probably just what your body needs to heal...and also isn't long at all
I dont think that it's a bad idea to temp, too at least know what's going on with your body

mcodea88

I know it hasn't been a long time.  26 days is nothing, I do get that.  It has felt like 26 years.  Dramatic, I know.  I think part of it is that since this all happened, the monday before Christmas, I've been on the go... holidays, family, parties, then my sister having her baby.  Now, I'm just here.  Nothing but time to wait.  And it is making me feel sorry for myself.  I have a bunch of testing that my Dr is doing that I can't start until I get AF too, so it's like I'm just in my head all day going "when is it coming, when can I start my testing, when is the 2 cycles over, when when when??".  

Dear Me, BE PATIENT.  Love Me!  

UGH.

Nikolie93

@mcodea88 waiting for AF after an MC is difficult and each day seems like a week. We all want to begin moving on and the first AF is a part of that. 

26 days is not a long time after a loss. I am not referring just waiting for AF, but for the mental healing as well. All of your emotions are normal, especially with your sister's baby situation. 

So many *hugs* to you. 

MrsPhD83

I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time. I decided not to temp after my MC because I needed the mental break from TTC. I just waited for AF to come, and of course the length of time for this to happen really varies from person to person. For me it was 30 days. Be kind to yourself and all the time to grieve. Maybe also schedule some activities for yourself to stay active like you were during the holidays? ((hugs))

rmpar29

I'm sorry that you are struggling.  Waiting for AF after a MC really sucks and I hope it comes soon for you.  ((((HUGS))))

rubysi

So many hugs. I am glad you found comfort with your nephew. The two cycles will come and go but they will feel like forever today. Your sister's story gives me hope. I worry about my every cd1. I hope you feel better soon. If temping is too stressful for you right now you might want to take a break. I know thus can be an unpopular opinion but I tempted for several months and was able to find a pattern in my cycle but I also sacrificed some sanity along with sleep. 

lycih

I'm sorry for your loss, the waiting is really tough... just feels like salt in the wound most of the time.  ((hugs))

mrswheelo

Sorry for your loss. I went to a dark placw in my mind focusing on every little thing that i had no control over. So, for me, focusing on what I CAN control has really helped. Like, making myself clean the house. Making myself go for a walk. Going to work is actually therapeutic in it's own way bc I am focused on doing something else. I don't temp bc im worried I will become OCD about another thing that is out of my control. I could be wrong, but I think stress can play a role in when AFTER arrives. Go slow. Take time to heal mentally and physically. Enjoy some time with your sister and nephew if you can, since it sounds like that brought you some peace from the craziness. ((Hugs))

lcwed

So many hugs to you.  I had a D&C and AF came about 5 weeks later, and I had O pains 3 weeks after surgery.  Maybe this will ease your mind about the bench and why charting while TTA may help.  I was told that we could try as soon as we were ready because I was AMA and the loss was probably from bad eggs.  I began temping after AF came.  It took 4 cycles to get another BFP.  What I noticed by charting is with the VIP membership, when I did a chart overlay of my first BFP cycle and my cycles after my MC, my post O temps were significantly lower than the cycles before my loss.  They did not go back up until the 4th cycle and my LP phase was shorter for the first few cycles.  If I hadn't temp/charted I wouldn't have seen this.  That tells me my body was probably not ready until the 4th cycle post D&C, so waiting a few months will probably not make you miss a potential BFP.  HTH.

This time I was able to use meds, so I am temping to see if my body recovers sooner than with the D&C.  After my appt with the high risk doctor next week, we will decide if we will NTNP until AF or TTA with an RE referral.

MellyMel15

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I'm glad your nephew is out of the NICU, though. My nephew is 7 now, but he was in the NICU for about a month and it was a very scary time. 

As for the waiting game, I had my D&C Sept. 30 and AF came back Nov. 3. I'm sure yours will come back soon. Everything after my D&C felt like an eternity (I was benched for two cycles too), but the time will pass, I promise you. Just hang in there.

Sending you lots of hugs. 

Elliecat17

So many many ((hugs)) to you today!

Let yourself feel the emotions. I know just what you mean about focusing on other things. FX that AF comes soon!

Temping also isn't a bad idea, because as it has already been mentioned it lets you keep track of what your body is doing.

hgalli

Lots of hugs! I am in the same boat waiting for AF. It has been 15 days since my loss and I've also been benched for two months. The frustration and emotional stress is so draining. I hope you are able to find something to help ease your mind. Reading and reorganizing my entire house has bee working for me. DH doesn't mind the reading but moving everything has proven to frustrate him a bit

TashaCN

Hello, I am sorry you are going through this. Waiting for AF is an absolute bitch. 

I am glad your sister's baby is doing well and that you found time spent with him to be healing. I can understand your feelings of sadness about him being less accessible to you. 

I hope you are able to heal and make it through the next few cycles without taking a hostage. Be kind to yourself and give yourself breaks when you need them! Hang in there!

meredithcarole

Thinking of you. I am sorry you're feeling so sad right now. (((Hugs)))